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Author Topic: Discussion Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

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Discussion Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#10: October 17, 2011, 01:37:24 PM
Quote from: AnneJ on October 17, 2011, 01:18:26 PM
I don't think my husband is a cheater by nature (even if we are all capalble of cheating). Never had any suspicious before. However, given the degree of lying, going behind ones back, of knowing how to do things and they can spend a lot of time not being cauth, that even if they are they live and nothing seems to happen to them, I'm not sure if they will not go for it again.

They have already done it, walked away with it. They know how to do it. Maybe the only way of them not doing it again is if they loose everything. Otherwise, if they are just allowed back to us, well, they are going to think, no consequences. Unless, of course, it was so terrible they want to forget it and never go back to it. But...


Hi Annej!


Good points! The lying and the sneaking around = poison to a relationship even if there is no other person.


"if they are just allowed back to us, well, they are going to think, no consequences." so true!
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Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#11: October 17, 2011, 01:43:30 PM
nd the skills they get and learn with the lying and sneaking around. Also, they learn to overcome they fear, to let everything behind. If we and the marriage were not that important nothing elese is going to be.

Of course it is possible that, once they hit rock botton they manage to see the damages, really feel ashamed of what they have done and will never go for it again.

But they need to see consequences. Though love is the only way. Gentle, but tough.
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#12: October 17, 2011, 01:55:43 PM
Quote from: AnneJ on October 17, 2011, 01:43:30 PM
nd the skills they get and learn with the lying and sneaking around. Also, they learn to overcome they fear, to let everything behind. If we and the marriage were not that important nothing elese is going to be.

Of course it is possible that, once they hit rock botton they manage to see the damages, really feel ashamed of what they have done and will never go for it again.

But they need to see consequences. Though love is the only way. Gentle, but tough.


Yes! My H was excellent at hiding and sneaking around and then if I would question, he would call me crazy. Looking back, I don't think my H is capable of feeling ashamed, really. I hope he can find it within in him to question why he was like that and change, but I don't know. Zebras don't change their stripes, so they say. I'm trying to believe otherwise.

 Edited to add   H, this is not about you!!!!!!!! This time is about ME!!!!!!!:)  Edit over

**I have to write out a list of everything ( I never found evidence of someone else before BD ) and put it in my thread. I think it will be helpful to me.
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« Last Edit: October 17, 2011, 02:03:13 PM by StarGazerGirl »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#13: October 17, 2011, 02:10:04 PM
I think this depends so much on the individual situation. My H cheated on me yes he sure did, now Im not making excuses for him, what he did was very wrong. But now I can understand ... he said that he felt that I no longer wanted him, so he felt free to meet someone else, emotionally free ... and I kind of understand where he's coming from.

To him, getting married was never essential for us, he did it for me, I know that. So when he felt that I didn't love him, the fact that we are married was inconsequential almost .... although he still did have a lot of guilt. Interestingly, whilst he was with OW we did not ML at all ... neither of us wanted to ... in his head he was being faithful to her. He said to me more than once 'I was faithful to you for 20 years' and I believed that. (didn't excuse his unfaithulness in yrs 21 and 22 though!)

To summarise, I think my H will be faithful to whoever he commits to, he really didn't see it as cheating ... but he sure does now!!! Many MLCers are not serial cheaters.
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#14: October 17, 2011, 02:10:26 PM
Quote from: AnneJ on October 17, 2011, 01:18:26 PM
They have already done it, walked away with it. They know how to do it. MAybe the only way of them not doing it again is if they loose everything. Otherwise, if they are just allowed back to us, well, they are going to think, no consequences.

There are all sorts of couples that recover from infidelity. It's not easy, and it requires commitment from the adulterer and patience and forgiveness from the betrayed spouse, but it happens all of the time.
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Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

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"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#15: October 17, 2011, 02:22:26 PM
Still, infidelity, normal one, is one thing. MLC one is very, very different. It causes all sort of other problems, starting with the MCLer not minding leaving, been seen in public with OP, doing nothing to recover the marriage. Not to mention the amount of money they spend. PLus the fact that, some, like mine, take the spoue to court saying the marriage was dead and it was all the spouse fault.

Mine has been lying to a court of law. Not once, but twice. So, it is not just infidelity. There will be many, many more things to work in this (not happening) marriage. He is forgived as well as both OW but I do not see much chances for an healthy relashionship with someone like him. Or the person he had become...More than 5 years had passed. He is still in the fog...not sure if he will ever come out...

lpxpe, my hsuabnd was the one who insisted on marruing and was always very commited. Was always talking about us growing old together. Think is problem was age related. Something about need to live a new life...and only could do it now (over five years ago).
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#16: October 17, 2011, 02:24:49 PM



"I think this depends so much on the individual situation. My H cheated on me yes he sure did, now Im not making excuses for him, what he did was very wrong. But now I can understand ... he said that he felt that I no longer wanted him, so he felt free to meet someone else, emotionally free ... and I kind of understand where he's coming from.

To him, getting married was never essential for us, he did it for me, I know that. So when he felt that I didn't love him, the fact that we are married was inconsequential almost .... although he still did have a lot of guilt. Interestingly, whilst he was with OW we did not ML at all ... neither of us wanted to ... in his head he was being faithful to her. He said to me more than once 'I was faithful to you for 20 years' and I believed that."


Several similarities to my story. Together 19 years, felt I didn't love him anymore, etc.


He was a conflict avoider so I guess bringing up the issue of breaking up was really hard for him. He did mention once, very early on, that we should go separate ways. I guess I didn't listen good enough. I'm as much to blame as he was. But then, he stayed with me another 9 years. ???
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Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#17: October 17, 2011, 02:55:46 PM
Quote from: StarGazerGirl on October 17, 2011, 01:55:43 PM
Zebras don't change their stripes, so they say. I'm trying to believe otherwise.

People are not zebras.

People change all of the time. You're not the same person you were when you were 15, or even a year ago.

To be fair, people have to want to change, and MLC is preventing that. And there's no way to know for sure what your spouse will be like if or when they come out of the tunnel.
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Me: 45, Her: 40. Married 16 1/2 years, together(-ish) 20.
Status: BD 8/25/09, she moved out 8/28/10. No talk of D.

Every day is another chance to get it right.
http://www.vachss.com/mission/behavior.html

"Counting days won't buy us years" —Wings by HAERTS
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past."  —Lily Tomlin
"When we commit to our lovers, we implicitly promise to forgive them. There is no other way we can live with someone for better or worse or until death do us part." —Dr. Frederic Luskin
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#18: October 17, 2011, 03:05:33 PM
Yep, Still, people want to be able to change. Not always for the better. OW1 wanted to change, to become a person that would want to be in a relashionship and husband wanted to change and have a new life.

Given that there are no way of knowing how our spouses will be when they come out of the crisis, in case they do, thenm, it makes no sense to stay married to them or hoping them to be back. They will not be the person we knew, we may not like them. So, why wait?

I'm only still married because my husband, who so much wants to be divroced, makes sure he drags divorce with all possible legal issues.
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Re: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
#19: October 17, 2011, 03:15:11 PM
Hi StarGG

Hmmm....I had a few things rummaging in my head.  Once you have cheated, you are always a cheater - you cannot then not be one, if that makes any sense?  I don't think my H cheated previously and I can only say at that time I trusted him - maybe overtrusted.  As to 'cheating' well, first you have to believe you have and I know my H vehemently denies he is an adulterous as he'd already separated.  However, one of the reason he seems to want a D may be because he cannot bear the 'cheating' (he so denies).  A bit long winded but somehow it makes sense to me!!!

Sil x
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