[StillStanding]

I know. I wrote and walked a away for a bit but then I thought, to myself, that isn't really what I meant to say, exactly, ie. cheating = personality trait. It's true, it depends on so many experiences in life. What I meant by personality trait was..... actually, I was thinking about his personality... he's very open-minded to new experiences, meeting new people and he adjusts to situations and environments easily. He's a free spirit. Very carefree. I guess I picture him as someone who, deep down inside, doesn't want to be with one person ( me ) forever. He gets board easily. I guess, I'm confusing all of that with choosing to do something immoral ie. cheating. It's not the same thing. I hope that makes sense.

It does. And if what I wrote came across as an attack, I apologize.

I've seen an increase in tendencies to demonize the MLCer and their actions and behaviors, which I think will hinder reconciliation later. MLCers are in crisis, and their actions are hurting their spouses and their kids and everyone around them. But you don't protect your love for your spouse by thinking of them as evil or malicious. Comparing them to demons and serial killers(!) is irresponsible.

We need to take steps to protect ourselves and our kids from their outbursts and Replay behaviors; that's what detachment and setting boundaries is for. You protect your finances so that you and your kids can continue to eat and have a place to live -- in this economy, that is more important than ever.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

"It does. And if what I wrote came across as an attack, I apologize."


No, I didn't take anything you said as an attack. Not at all. Your comments have been very helpful to me, StillStanding.


About using cheating as a label, temporally or otherwise, I just wouldn't know what else to call it.

[StillStanding]

There's a difference between describing a behavior ("he cheated on me") and making a judgment about a person ("he's a cheater").

The tendency to treat them as the same thing the two probably contributes to a large number of unnecessary divorces.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

There's a difference between describing a behavior ("he cheated on me") and making a judgment about a person ("he's a cheater").

The tendency to treat them as the same thing the two probably contributes to a large number of unnecessary divorces.

I get this.   Labeling really doesn't do any good. I remember I used to call him a Liar when I found something new or felt suspicious. He hated that! I should have simply said "you lied to me" and then get to the bottom of why.

[Love being on higher grounds]

Hi all, I believe it was Annej who commented on people here only being at this for a couple of months, or years...

I am just speaking in general here, but most of us that have been around since RCR started this site, and we all came over from another forum, have been at this for quite some time ourselves...

this site has been a God send for most of us Standers because of how the other forums either dont recognize MLC or simply dont know the facts and turn it into a bashing session for cheating. I am feeling that right here on this thread, and I would hate to see it turn into that...

The more we are able to learn about MLC, the more we are able to understand. It is a process, a LONG one at that. If you can not come to a point where this can be accepted for just that, you will get NO WHERE.

STOP worrying about what your spouse is doing, who they are with, where they are at. You must learn to let it go.

Forget the other person...they are no one to waste your precious time on...

There are mountains of information here that can be read through...ask questions, hear what your mentors are trying to say...you may not always agree ( I didnt) but the further along you get, the easier it will become.

It took me some time to see the tree through the forest, let me tell you! But once it all clicked...BOY was it a difference.

I am now at a point of living through the chances and trials of reconciliation...it is not any easier...it takes hard work, dedication, forgiveness all of it rolled up into one again, and it is NOT so quick to come by.

I ask myself questions ALL OF THE TIME...but I know in my heart and in my mind that this is our shot at a new beginning...

[crazyforhim]

LBOHG...was looking at your profile and it is very similar to mine.
Great advice- I am going to follow it!

[StillStanding]

I am now at a point of living through the chances and trials of reconciliation...it is not any easier...it takes hard work, dedication, forgiveness all of it rolled up into one again, and it is NOT so quick to come by.

You bring up a really good point. If and when the day comes that your MLCer wants to work things out, that's when the REAL work begins. That's when you have to start putting back together the life that got broken at the bomb drop.

You don't necessarily get to overlook or ignore or push aside the problems any more; it's where you get to exercise all of the skills in detachment, communication and forgiveness that you hopefully have been developing in the meantime.

[Love being on higher grounds]

SS,

you are absolutely right!

there are still no guarantees either!

This is where ALL of the skills we have learned come into play more than ever...your patience is tried and tried again. with my h, he has begun to really be impacted by all the damage he has done.

for those who question that they will really fear losing you, I did also...until I saw it happen! I went out with my girlfriend, and from about 10pm on the texts and calls were OUT OF control!

I ended up coming home and going to bed, to get AWAY from him, I was livid and stunned by it all...this was the same man that had screamed divorce for over a year!

long story short...the next day turned into an apology session...hours worth, and what made him snap the night b4 was thinking of me having a life with someone else. Why did it happen like that who knows...those of you who have followed my story know what a horrible ride it has been, like so many of us here. I guess this was a breaking point for us.

Not much going on, but atleast I know we stand a chance, and that is all of my hard work, dedication and faith starting to show.

hugs!  sorry for the hijack!

[LeaveThePastBehind]

"for those who question that they will really fear losing you, I did also...until I saw it happen! I went out with my girlfriend, and from about 10pm on the texts and calls were OUT OF control!"

How soon after BD did that happen, Love? Sorry, I haven't read your thread ( too, many threads to read )

[Love being on higher grounds]

a bit over 2 years after BD...honestly, dont go by any timeline...everyones is different...it took my H a number of years b4 he actually left our home...


also, just being honest...if you go back and read my old threads, as well as many other old timers...you will gather soooo much more understanding and strength, read and re read them! You will also see that at a time, we were in the same spot you are. Im telling you this forum was my lifeline!

It will show you just what all we have gone through, and how we have made it to where we are today. most stories are not so pretty, but again they are VERY informative!

hugs,
L