[StandandDeliver]

Hi E,

I think what you are writing is interesting because in essence I agree with you. Standing or otherwise I do not want to take anger, bitterness, blame, hurt and other negative feelings (that if we are honest most of us feel after betrayal, infidelity and abandonment) into my future. Even if my H and I never reunite, I don't want to be that woman in your office either, feeling that my life is ruined. That is one of the reasons that I need to keep working on myself in terms of being honest about my own failings in the marriage (of course leaving me and making no effort to save the marriage is on him, but I do want to analyse my dynamic in the relationship to see where I need to develop healthier reactions and ways of being) It is also the reason that I spend as much time as I can focusing on the things that I am learnign about myself in a positive way - my independance, my competence, my sense of humour, my amazing friends, how fortunate I am despite everything that happened with H (I have a nice home, with careful budgeting I can still manage to eat well and buy my kids the things they need, and even manage to save for holidays if I choose to do things that are not to expensive). My life is not ruined, I have an opportunity to build a life that is more satisfying than the lifestyle I had with H (although I would have preferred to do this with his support and encouragement, but now I wonder - would that ever have even been possible? Maybe that is what I needed to learn as well, that waiting to change my life until H was "ready" to support me the way I had supported his career over the years would have meant waiting forever and doing nothing." I think standing, learning about MLC and this site has given me the chance that your colleague seems to have failed to use: the chance for space to analyse and grow. This is something I want to continue for the rest of my life and if H ever wants a relationship with me (friendship, romantic or otherwise) he is going to have a lot of serious catching up to do before he is able to meet me where I am going. I still get angry from time to time (usually when I have an interaction with him where his MLC selfish does something with NO consideration for the kids or for me) but I don't want to be an "angry person" like the lady you work with.

So, although I am not able to be quite as forgiving as you are, I do feel that your reasoning is in the same direction as mine. Personally, trust for my H (and for others) has been diminished. I wonder if ciricumstances may affect that though. My H (like Stayed's) basically left me stranded in a foreign country (must be the water down there or something eh, Stayed?) with no job, no income, no family and two small children and at one point even threatened to cut me off financially in that circumstance. Aside from the infidelity and the fact that this was previously a "best friend" behaving like this, those threats seriously undermined my ability to "trust" his intentions, his motives and basically him. If I had been in my own country, with a good job, a house that we owned, and with my family and friends closer (and this was just a case of H sleeping with someone else and being undecided about his life in the midst of the confusion) the trust element may have been less damaged. Now, crisis or otherwise, I have seen a good man behave in a manner I would never have believed possible. It has affected trust for me, in that I now truly believe that anyone is capable of being much more horrible than you might have thought - my innocence and naivity is definitely gone, which is maybe as it should be but I do miss the safety of having faith in the intentions of another person!

[stayed]

  You might be right about the water S&D, I drink ONLY bottled "fizzy" water now, hehehe! I also think being left in a foreign country albeit without 2 youngsters like yourself S&D (omg, how did you get through that), just does something to our WHOLE BEING, that can never be undone.  I am not making our situation worse then anybody elses, it's just the FEAR at that moment.... oh man, even now, just makes my heart feel tight in my chest.

Oh yea S&D, I get u honey.  I too refuse to be bitter and angry but "cautious", yep, that's my new middle name.

hugs you sound great girlie, any word on when we are going to be able to meet up in Brussels.  I leave for Canada on Dec. 10th. would love to meet up before Xmas if possible.

hugs Stayed

[crazyforhim]

Stayed- where are you going in Canada?

[eternity]

S&D,

I can understand that your H's capability of  leaving  you in those circumstances are undermining your trust. My H never threathened me with anything. He still has the key of our house, we have each other's paswords for internet, online bankaccount access, did not change his address, mail is sentot our home address. The only thing I did after he left the second time was opening a bank and savingsaccount on my own name. Even this would not have been necessary as he gave me his bankcard to our joint account.
I know at the start everyone in the real world tells you to change your locks blablabla and my intuition told me not to... I took it from there and he has not broken the trust.
E

[StandandDeliver]

Hey E,

My H did go total monster on me. I quickly figured out that I needed to deal with him differently than the way I had been - partly thanks to finding this site and partly because I was literally losing it. But the shock of finding myself betrayed and stranded in a country that I would never have found myself in had it not been for H's job, did result in some panic behaviour from me (I never banned him from the house or changed the locks, but I did lay down a boundary that if he was living with OW he could not just walk in and out of the house).

I don't blame H. I wonder if I was just stupid to lay all my eggs in one basket (when I was younger I swore I would never do this, but over the years I gave up a lot of what I believed for a variety of reasons - not least that H's parents had undue influence over us (maybe because they were young, and EVERY time we tried to develop our own ways of doing things, they would step in, disagree, and send H the message that he should always come first - that I should be flexible) . I did not have a job, I was a SAHM. I trusted that it was a partnership - that I was at home raising children and remaining flexible so that he could have his international career AND a family, and in exchange he would provide the income. I wanted to return to work, but then got pregnant with D and decided to wait another year or two with her (it took us a long time to get pg and she was a long awaited blessing - for me anyway) before trying to find something (he said he agreed with that, I now have no idea whether he felt it was a burden or not, but he didn't have a problem with me not working when it meant he was able to pick up our lives and relocate without considering anyone else's career).

One thing i have learned is that I must never allow myself to become so utterly dependant on someone (not just emotionally, but financially). I also have learned that H is right about 1 thing in this MLC - he has to learn to cut the apron strings from his parents. He told them they were over involved in our lives. I think it is too bad he waited until we had separated to do it (it was something we had argued over in the past). Nonetheless he remains hypocritical - he accepts large sums of money from them to bail him out of financial problems and has even "told on me" to them since this all started, yet he maintains that his life is his business  .

[eternity]

S&D,
You know what? My S told me a couple of months ago "you see that's why you should always have your own life, if you had done this before , you would not be feeling sad having to do things on your own" He was not even 18 and figured this out already. Well I am 44 and I know now, better later than never I suppose
E

[summer progress]

S&D,
You know what? My S told me a couple of months ago "you see that's why you should always have your own life, if you had done this before , you would not be feeling sad having to do things on your own" He was not even 18 and figured this out already. Well I am 44 and I know now, better later than never I suppose
E

Weird.. my S19 said almost the same thing (he was 18 at the time). He started creating boundaries in his R with his GF (her dad is in MLC land too). He said that they need to do things independently of each other. He said she was too dependent on him to make her happy. He said he needed time for himself and time with his own friends. He said she needed the same. He said he will NOT allow them to go down the path of their parents.

Out of the mouths of babes...
Summer

[beyondblessed]

I've read a lot of threads here, but hone stay try to stay away because I feel many threads focus so heavily on where the MLC'er is in the journey, whether or not MLC'er will ever "wake up" and come home, etc, etc.

In light of the dawning of another new year, I would rather see stories of personal strength and growth of the LBS.  You can include a general background of where you started and where you are at in this journey.  The point of this is to show how we've not just plodded thru this and let these wayward spouses steal our joy and zest for life.  Share your mindset that got you moving, your successes, and your feelings of how you've grown since being on your own again.

I'll go first.  I was married a little over 16 years at BD, which my 1 year anniversary is fast approaching, January 17.  I spent the 6 weeks trying to figure out what the heck was happening.  My xh seemed to follow the script that is mentioned here so much, but even almost a year later, I am still skeptical about MLC in general.

At the 6 week point, my xh seemed to further lose his mind and begged me for a D.  At that point, I really just was done.  It was clear he wasn't the man I had married, so I just saw no reason to keep a man like that in a place he seemed to want to escape so desperately.  I certainly had no use for a relationship like that.

I started taking my life back, reconnectin with the spunky, go-getter, take-no-$h!te woman my xh fell for.  Somewhere in those years, my own esteem, worth and respect took a hit and the best part for me has been falling in love with me.  I am in a new relationship with a truly loving and caring man, who treats me the way I now realize is how I should've always insisted on being treated.  Being with someone just for the sake of history,  sharing of children, or just to have a companion would never be enough for me.  The connection I've found with my new partner was just another blessing to come from what I thought  was the end of the world a year ago. 

I continue to read and expand my understanding of healthy  and strong relationships and the things and qualities that go into making a lasting and  true love.  I have contact with my xh at a bare minimum and honestly never want any further contact with him.  I feel he was never the person I mistook and idealized him to be, and his true personality finally revealed itself after many years of being hidden and exposed ever so slowly.

[KeepItTogether]

Beyond--you've given me and many others some good advice. Bottom line, we need to focus on our own journey which is what I plan on doing. I know for me, when I focus solely on my H, I am sad. So I am going to do my best.

Glad you are in such a good place. Gives me hope.

[Wahine]

Great new thread!  I too am taking back my life for myself.  I worked the last couple months of 2016 trying to figure out what was best for ME and with about 1 month to go in 2016 I put my plan in place and I am moving full speed ahead.  I am no longer trying to take care of things or make things work for others.  I was a loving supportive spouse that got lost in the chaos of what other people wanted me to be or do or worse what I thought was right for others.  No more - it is about me and what and who makes me feel good.  I have given my H a deadline that scared me at first, but now each day the date moves closer I find more peace in MY journey. 

I have taken the focus off of him and put it on ME where it needs to be to keep me happy.  This journey is now about my happiness and who knows what that looks like tomorrow, but today I like where I am in my journey and actually thank H for putting me here - yes thank him because without his meltdown I might have gone through the rest of my life trying to make others happy and never would truly find happiness that I now feel most days!