[Mitzpah]

S&D,

I agree with you and Stayed about childhood issues being a part but not the whole story - my father, in fact, pointed it out to me - comparing his own difficult childhood to husband's and saying that he didn't go into crisis because of the death of his sister and the disappearance of his father for a good part of the II WW, or because of debilitating asthma, which cost him a year at school. Ok, my husband does have issues with his parents divorce, his father's MLC and premature death, but I also think that what Stayed husband said comes in to play

he simply said, "I felt like I was growing old and that if I did not take advantage of what YOUTH I had left in me, the window of opportunity would prevent me from ever finding happiness." 

and the fact that we are

living longer, coupled with a materialistic, individualistic , youth obsessed and throw away culture in the context of relatively wealthy, time rich, educated societies has more to do with MLC than we willingly accept.

My father went through his own transition when I was 16-20 and he faced serious health issues at the time, coupled with a desire to become a minister of the church, when he was tested for it, it was found that he has an IQ of a genius level - the shock of finding this out rendered him speechless for a few days and my mother said all he could say was 'why me?' - he had a very underprivileged early life and loved school - he used to offer to do the dishes just so that he could use the only light in the house to read by. He rose from coffee clerk to assistant draftsman in an engineering firm in three weeks - nowadays he is a highly respected piping engineer with published articles all over the world. He put himself through nightschool, while working full time and still works full time at the age of 76. His transition was played out far from home because he was on a project, however he had a good mentor to help him through and my mother held the fort back at home with 6 teenagers! They are from the generation that Stayed mentions

There is also some speculation about the change in attitude about marriage.  Marriage at one time was security, responsibility based on the welfare and safety of the family unit.

and my h. seems to have bought into the 'soul mate' philosophy.

Like you S&D, this could have been about my h.

My H has a history of being a "people pleaser" an "accomodator", maybe some of that is environmental going back to the way he was raised, but how much of it is just his nature? Furthermore, it is do with perception too.
My H may feel that other people influenced where he is at in his life - things he "missed out" on or whatever.
But I was there with H from the time he was 18.
No one ever had a gun at his head.
He just was always less scared of the easy route. He is risk averse and did what was expected of him even when presented with viable alternatives.  I remember somethng that we did when we were younger that was exciting and adventurous but by no means "unusual", and he got physically sick from nerves ahead of time - he was vomiting in the toilet which I found very strange (I was doing it too and it did not wind me up like that).
He would consider a career change or something and then ultimately freak out and decide to do the safest thing. It WAS his CHOICE!!!

The person holding him back in life was HIM, not his mother, not EVEN his father, and definitely not me. It was HIM.

Especially the part of always wanting to be on the safe side! - I used to encourage him to be more adventurous, more spontaneous... He would always try to argue me down, referring to safety issues or that he was too old for some things.
At BD, he said that I didn't want to have fun any more
He also suffered terribly from anxiety, in fact the initial part of his MLC was diagnosed as Anxiety Disorder, a comorbidity from having ADHD! This by a psychiatrist who supposedly knew him. So mental health issues get a tick here too!

Of course, now there is nothing wrong with him, only me

The fact that OW is a psychologist doesn't help matters either...

[nesquick2]

as far as i know hubby had a great childhood. was very much loved. i think getting older suddenly hit him and he was overworked. might be wrong but thats my thinking. i did not have the best childhood. even now my mum did not see me for 4 months after BD. has still not to this day asked how im doing. i promised my self before i had kids i would be a good mum. i love my mum very much but was never treated as a daughter. i had counselling 10 years ago so i could become a foster carer. i dealt with all my issues and it was the best thing i ever done. i hope one day my family comes back complete again but if it does not im determined to still be a good person and mother and carry on enjoying life 

[LifeGoesOn]

I would like to throw a few things into this great discussion.

I believe that the notion of childhood issues causing/contributing to MLC is valid. Those issues That are NOT FACED and dealt with at the time, become MLC issues.
Seemingly positive aspects can have an impact as well.  For example.
"My grandfather worked hard, loved and was dedicated to his family and then he died."
"My neighbors lost everything. It drove my ambition to succeed."

Fears rooted in childhood seem pervasive to me, especially when you broaden the perspective past  dysfunctional families.

[stayed]

Here is an interesting article I found.  It is called

                                            The Evolution of Divorce

Prior to the late 1960s, Americans were more likely to look at marriage and family through the prisms of duty, obligation, and sacrifice. A successful, happy home was one in which intimacy was an important good, but by no means the only one in view. A decent job, a well-maintained home, mutual spousal aid, child-rearing, and shared religious faith were seen almost universally as the goods that marriage and family life were intended to advance.
 
But the psychological revolution's focus on individual fulfillment and personal growth changed all that. Increasingly, marriage was seen as a vehicle for a self-oriented ethic of romance, intimacy, and fulfillment. In this new psychological approach to married life, one's primary obligation was not to one's family but to one's self; hence, marital success was defined not by successfully meeting obligations to one's spouse and children but by a strong sense of subjective happiness in marriage — usually to be found in and through an intense, emotional relationship with one's spouse. The 1970s marked the period when, for many Americans, a more institutional model of marriage gave way to the "soul-mate model" of marriage.
 
Of course, the soul-mate model was much more likely to lead couples to divorce court than was the earlier institutional model of marriage. Now, those who felt they were in unfulfilled marriages also felt obligated to divorce in order to honor the newly widespread ethic of expressive individualism.

here is the link to the entire article
http://www.nationalaffairs.com/publications/detail/the-evolution-of-divorce

I'm not saying that our familial situations didn't help to predispose us to an MLC, I am simply saying it is not the only contributing factor.  I understand also that not everybody copes as well as others, but seriously we have become not only a society of prosperity, entitlement etc.  but we make EXCUSES for just about anything anybody does.  If somebody killed somebody senselessly and brutally, then we look at the murderers childhood.  Absolutely everything these days has a REASON for why they did this or that.  All I am wondering, WHERE DOES IT END?  When do we simply call a spade a spade and admit, we REALLY DON'T KNOW.  If all of these things really truly caused things like this to happen, then why doesn't EVERYBODY who had that type of life do exact same thing.

You see, the truth is... some do and some don't.  There is no absolute CAUSATION of anything.  There is no way of predicting who will do such and such a thing, or not. 

My goodness, these comments have opened up a floodgate of discussion... so cool.

Mitzpah, I simply have to respond to this:

Especially the part of always wanting to be on the safe side! - I used to encourage him to be more adventurous, more spontaneous... He would always try to argue me down, referring to safety issues or that he was too old for some things.
At BD, he said that I didn't want to have fun any more

This WAS totally my h.  He even used my words to blame me for why he did what he did.  He told me at one point that my comment about him being AFRAID TO TAKE A RISK... motivated him to continue on with OW.  He felt it was a sign that he was suppose to take more RISKS... I said to him months after we reconciled, WhyTH did you choose  CHEATING/BETRAYING/DISRESPECTING me, as your big RISK?  like what the h???
Loving this everybody, thanks for participating... hehehe

hugs Stayed

[stillhopeful]

Why do people always find their soulmate when they are already married? Soulmate is such bulls**t! Love is a choice.

[limitless]

Stillhopeful,

Because they can't say that they just left their longterm spouse, broke up the family and abandoned their kids for someone who is just a "hook up."  Part of the insistence on this new person being a "soul mate" is to legitimize it and convince the world that this is true love and, thus, worth throwing everything away for.

Hence....Soul Mate Schmoopies.

L

[stayed]

True dat!   

Stayed

[StandandDeliver]

soulmates

My H sent a goodbye letter saying we HAD been soulmates, best friends, lovers.

 (I guess our "souls" stopped "mating")    .

When I brought up the letter after he had left (I found it some weeks after his departure), his response was: "Oh, I wrote that letter before we went to MCing" WTF does that mean? I still have no idea what he was "trying" to say.
 

[growing every day]

I'm not saying that our familial situations didn't help to predispose us to an MLC, I am simply saying it is not the only contributing factor.  I understand also that not everybody copes as well as others, but seriously we have become not only a society of prosperity, entitlement etc.  but we make EXCUSES for just about anything anybody does.  If somebody killed somebody senselessly and brutally, then we look at the murderers childhood.  Absolutely everything these days has a REASON for why they did this or that.  All I am wondering, WHERE DOES IT END?  When do we simply call a spade a spade and admit, we REALLY DON'T KNOW.  If all of these things really truly caused things like this to happen, then why doesn't EVERYBODY who had that type of life do exact same thing.


Stayed I whole heartedly agree with you on this. It's kind of like when my kids played T-ball. It's what the younger ones play before they play real baseball. Nobody lost, everyone won, no score was kept. I often wonder if it is why we have a society of kids who now have such a sense of entiltlement.  Fast forward 20 or so years. Will these same kids think there are no rules, no losers, I am entitled to my happiness no matter how I get it.

[Dontgiveup]

From MLC Overview article
"Aging does not cause midlife crisis--it is inevitable; midlife crisis is not. Since midlife crisis seems to be isolated to technologically advanced Western cultures lacking in ritual rites of passage, ageism is often blamed, but it is also not a cause of midlife crisis; rather it is an incubator, providing ideal cultural conditions. Symptoms are outward manifestations, not the cause of the crisis."