[Dandy Lion]

so what COULD be considered the "middle" for them; brings you in at a time when you are called upon to begin the work within yourself; but the signs for some reason must be clear; and they don't come any clearer than during Replay

I am interested to know whether my H could be continuing replay where he left off off ten years ago.  He had an affair and when things went horribly wrong, he turned back to me (to safe ground) but I don't think he dealt with his issues.  He left them to fester under ground with the added issue of infidelity on top.  This all exploded into his MLC.  So sometimes I wonder whether this is a continuation of a development phase he did not continue at age 30..........leading to stagnation and ultimately into a crisis.  He himself understood that OW is just an escape, he never wanted to go down that road again.  It was like he had no choice, he had no control (okay I know we are all in control of our own destiny here!!!!) but can we control how we feel about our MLCers, it is very hard!  He told me he knows that this will never work and he just cant help himself.  I have started to see it as a continuation of replay until he learns what he needs to...........and thus leads to the next step of accepting who he is.  Am I crazy to think this way, am I pushing two different events together or are these two separate events.

Would like to have some feedback.........don't know of many on the forum that can help me with this one............perhaps some experienced LBS's???

Hope that made sense...........useless at writing sometimes so if you need clarification pleeeeeeeeeeeese let me know.

[OldPilot]

I am interested to know whether my H could be continuing replay where he left off off ten years ago.  He had an affair and when things went horribly wrong, he turned back to me (to safe ground) but I don't think he dealt with his issues.  He left them to fester under ground with the added issue of infidelity on top.  This all exploded into his MLC.  So sometimes I wonder whether this is a continuation of a development phase he did not continue at age 30..........leading to stagnation and ultimately into a crisis.  He himself understood that OW is just an escape, he never wanted to go down that road again.  It was like he had no choice, he had no control (okay I know we are all in control of our own destiny here!!!!) but can we control how we feel about our MLCers, it is very hard!  He told me he knows that this will never work and he just cant help himself.  I have started to see it as a continuation of replay until he learns what he needs to...........and thus leads to the next step of accepting who he is. 

Maybe HB will chime in but she has written that if the crisis is not completed and the MLC'er does not face their issues that they will cycle back at a later date to repeat the crisis, only this time it will be much worse.

Tiny Dancer is faced with that now.

So he may be repeating REPLAY or have a new crisis either way it will be much worse than the first one.

You rescued him from the first one and hopefully you learned a lesson that you should not do that again.

Detach, live your life "as if" he is never returning and let him finish up this crisis on his own.

At least that is my .02

[Dandy Lion]

Thanks OP, I very much appreciate your advice.  It is quite confusing for me, there are very few that are in this situation.

[HeartsBlessing]

        Personal Message (Online)

Re: MLC & Experts
« Reply #70 on: Today at 02:21:25 PM »

    Quote

Quote

    so what COULD be considered the "middle" for them; brings you in at a time when you are called upon to begin the work within yourself; but the signs for some reason must be clear; and they don't come any clearer than during Replay


I am interested to know whether my H could be continuing replay where he left off off ten years ago.  He had an affair and when things went horribly wrong, he turned back to me (to safe ground) but I don't think he dealt with his issues.  He left them to fester under ground with the added issue of infidelity on top.  This all exploded into his MLC.  So sometimes I wonder whether this is a continuation of a development phase he did not continue at age 30..........leading to stagnation and ultimately into a crisis.  He himself understood that OW is just an escape, he never wanted to go down that road again.  It was like he had no choice, he had no control (okay I know we are all in control of our own destiny here!!!!) but can we control how we feel about our MLCers, it is very hard!  He told me he knows that this will never work and he just cant help himself.  I have started to see it as a continuation of replay until he learns what he needs to...........and thus leads to the next step of accepting who he is.  Am I crazy to think this way, am I pushing two different events together or are these two separate events.

Would like to have some feedback.........don't know of many on the forum that can help me with this one............perhaps some experienced LBS's???

Looks to me like these are two DIFFERENT events..he was a WAYWARD spouse at the time of his first affair; instead of bringing his problem(s) out in the open to solve within his marriage; he chose to go OUTSIDE of his marriage to find a solution, committing adultery in that process.

When his affair blew up in his face; he returned to you, but instead of you coming down on him to get to the root of his problem, you and he both swept this under the carpet; he never dealt with the root cause, but you didn't deal with it, either, and because things got better, you let it go.

I know this sounds harsh coming from me; but I suspect it's close to the truth; it's harder to dig deep to figure out what happened than it is to simply let the sleeping dogs lie and hope it doesn't happen again.

Going outside the marriage was a character fault within him; but it would have taken you to have literally forced him to face what it was within himself that drove him into HIS affair; instead of bringing his problem/issue to you at that time.

So he and you came full circle, only to face it again during his MLC; and like you said, he had the added aspect of having committed infidelity on his wife to deal with right along with the issues already present within himself.

For what it's worth, EVERYONE has CHOICES; NO ONE is ever left without a choice.  We are each in control of what WE do, we have control of our reactions, and while we still love our MLC spouse, we should not condone their actions toward the marriage.

The crisis is currently driving his reactions, responses; but HE is totally responsible for his decisions; and the actions he takes; and it's easier to just go along for the ride than to stand and fight ones way through.

The MLC fog that clouds their minds is a hard battle to overcome; and they are the only ones who can fight this.

All you can do is focus on yourself; see what you need to do in the way of change, growth, etc...and leave that man twisting in the wind.

You may still love him; but this is the time to focus on YOU, NOT him...he's made his choices for now; right or wrong, and he's made his bed to lie in, right or wrong; hard or soft.

Don't let what he's doing now bring you down; there's nothing you can do for him; only learn to live for yourself.

I hope this helps.

[stayed]

I am interested to know whether my H could be continuing replay where he left off off ten years ago.  He had an affair and when things went horribly wrong, he turned back to me (to safe ground) but I don't think he dealt with his issues.

This is exactly why you don't just gently, gently take your MLCer back.  This is why everything must be RESOLVED.  This is why the words HOLDING THEIR CRIMES OVER THEIR HEAD, should never be voiced... but be totally ENFORCED!  This crap has to be HELD OVER THEM... if we do not force them to EXAMINE their ISSUES.  Then 10 years later, the MONSTER will return.  ACCOUNTABILITY, also has the effect that it locks unacceptable behavior, into ones brain, helping to reinforce that that behaviour was really, really bad and if you repeat it, you are going to feel really awful AGAIN. 

It's been my experience, no repercussions, no accountability enforced... easy to forget about how outright terrible the behaviour was, all the people it hurt and that WE JUST DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THAT... no, no, bad, bad. 

Quite frankly, wayward spouse, MLC spouse, not much bloody difference, if you do not HOLD  accountable, BIG TIME at the time, then do not be surprised if they REPEAT the behaviour.  You probably thought you were being kind, understanding, not holding it over his head, moving on, letting this despicable behaviour go and just continue loving him.  Then of course, next to NO changes were done in your marriage.  You let this go without holding them accountable, this is going to revisit you later... not a doubt in my mind.

hugs Stayed

[Dandy Lion]

HB, yes this does help, yes the root of the problem was not dealt with!  A fear within me stopped me from exposing the real problem, thinking (naively) that the problem would sort itself out!!!!!!!

In some ways I am thankful for the first affair, (that does not sound right I know) it made me stronger and made me work on myself.  But, it also made me shake my head in amazement that this could happen again!!!!

So what are we facing here...........this is the question I keep asking myself?  Still trying to answer that one, or is it just my H who is facing himself this time?  I'll keep up with my therapy and working on myself, that seems the best way to go right now 

Thanks HB

[Dandy Lion]

Stayed..........wow

That is exactly what happened..............I thought if I forgave his sins and loved him unconditionally things would be good again................but instead I ended up with a broken man who was still running from himself!!!!!

There were no consequences, in fact the opposite, I was the one helping him through his adulterous pain and he never once understood that I may be feeling pain too!

[stayed]

Without a doubt Dandy Lion, the LBSer can be TOO NICE!  This is serious stuff.  WE all have to be held accountable.  I do not believe for one minute that we cause they to do this, just don't buy that.  But as loveisntweakness says, it is a really good time to scrutinize our marriages and honestly evaluate and fortify some things, rebuild others, tweak this and leave that completely alone. 

We need to look within ourselves and see what also needs to be changed.  What needs to be tougher, more unconditional, more exciting, calmer, whatever... what would be better for ourselves to change.  Should we be less DEPENDENT, more dependent, more loving, less loving, more demanding, less demanding... the list goes on and on.  Bottom line, what would be best for ourselves and how would the MARRIAGE benefit from these changes. 

Of course the spouse has to be evaluated as well. Get those rose coloured glasses off and be prepared to see him / her as he/she really is.  What has to change if you are going to continue to have a relationship, marriage... friendship... or NOT!

We OWE it to ourselves after something like this, and even more so, when someone like yourself has already been through this 10 years ago... TO TRULY KNOW, what we want.  AT this point DL, you have every right to not even want to be bothered with him.  It would certainly be a consideration for me, but having let him have a totally free pass like you did, I think I might feel a second chance is allowed if both of you are in agreement. 

For the record, on my Surviving Infidelity Forum/Chat room, there are a lot of people whose spouse had an affair 5 - 10 years ago and here they are again.  There are some people whose spouses seem to have a fling every 5 years or so.  To my mind, this is something completely different and one is dealing with a serial cheater, not sure you can ever really stop that.  That is some sort of Thrill of the catch/adventure/forbidden fruit/excitement of the chase thing, not really MLC.

Start with yourself DL.   You truly need to understand what would make you forgive so easily that you actually made it easier for him to live with his betrayal, disloyalty and disrespect to you.  Glad you have a counselor and I would not stop until I had a good grip on what made me tick that way.

There are so many people who are terribly AFRAID of HOLDING THIS over their spouses head, forever.  I don't buy that.  I think you hold onto it until you can see that they really truly regret doing this.  Trust is not something that SHOULD BE handed back ... EASILY!  Trust is won, earned! 

hugs Stayed

[Dandy Lion]

Thank you Stayed,

How do I access your surviving Infidelity Chat room?

[stayed]

Here u go Dandy Lion. 

http://www.infidelity-help.com/chatroom/?utm_source=www.infidelity-help.com&utm_medium=banner&utm_campaign=Chatroom%2BBanner%2Bv1