Hello
This is such a fundamental discussion, to me its not just which camp, both or even neither, its how we can often displace our frustrated feelings of wanting to fix on other LBS, thats where the real danger lies. I have probably done that......
Trouble is we see each others sitches with what we think is a clearer eye and other situations can provoke deep feelings and reactions, perhaps of frustration or love or even downright crossness and that is when we can stray into do as I say territory, and from that we can stray into judging.
I am not an expert especially not in my own sitch. I am an expert in other areas which can flow into the LBS experience, violence, abuse, worthlessness, stuff which I deal with everyday and have suffered myself. There are LBS on here who have had that experience and we need to be mindful of that.
So I believe strongly that the LBS journey is the most important, the journey of self discovery and awareness, the unlooked for gift from this.
I think tough love is appropriate in certain circumstances, and unconditional love is the backdrop to the tough love, the two are not mutually exclusive or at least they don't need to be or should be.
The operative word is love.
That applies to ourselves too, we take the journey and sometimes we need as part of that to ask ourselves tough questions, about who we are, how have we got here, what are our own issues big or small.
How did those things impact on us and then on our marriage, and how did our spouses issues intertwine with those. How do we learn to be truly ourselves first and potential spouse later. We should never change for someone, only for ourselves. But its the hardest task to do.
Most importantly how do we deal with our fears, whatever they may be and how do we let go of them? because it is those fears which hold us back from detachment I feel.One of the deepest heartaches I hear from LBS is their own lack of love for themselves. Their fear of facing themselves and their lack of self esteem, their fragility.
Grace, forgiveness and agape are what we should strive for in ourselves to ourselves and for each other.
That is my focus when I mentor, the LBS journey and the experience.
Often the way a LBS deals with their spouse starts off as part of an old script or habitual way of behaving and thinking, later as they blossom and grow into themselves the old ways of interacting with the spouse become barriers to their self development, not things to try to hang onto nor for some LBS should they even try.
Then I may question more deeply and challenge why they react or think the way they do, not to prove me right or wrong but to provoke the thoughts and hopefully deeper reflection.
There are some situations I truly believe where the LBS for their own sake may be better not standing for their spouse.
They are rare but they exist.
The danger is we can create a mythology here, for example you should never ask your spouse to leave, you should somehow try to be Madonna and take all bad behaviour and say nothing.
No I don't agree, there is no one size fits all program for this and if there was it could become quite dangerous.
RCR has written some amazing articles for this site and I read and reread them but they are not end points of knowledge they are launching pads for further knowledge to add to what is already known.
How can we be prescriptive to each other and ourselves. We can't. We take responsibility for our own actions and we shouldn't shoulder responsibility for anyone else's.
Anyone presuming themselves to be an expert are firstly wrong, and secondly in danger of over influencing vulnerable people.
Thats what drew me to this site RCR was not claiming anything, but open to share what she knew personally and from extensive reading and her own conclusions from that and her own beliefs etc. Thats what I hope we can all do for and with each other.
Now its up to us to fill in the gaps. But with the unconditionals and a bit of toughness.
And I've rambled....on my third glass of wine
Much love. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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MLC & Experts