[Dandy Lion]

So I am not so good at starting discussions but here goes:

It seems that a few of us are interested to discuss the OW/OM AFFAIR.....thanks Freddygone for pointing this out. 
Because the subject is fairly wide, I thought I would divide it into different sections that many people ask about but if anyone wishes to add more sections then go ahead.

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last

Well in my sitch:
Right now the affair is still ongoing but so far it has been 10 months
From what I could gather .........4 months = EA and 6 months PA

I am sure there is an average time with these things but again each affair is different and each MLCer is different so that can be very many variations.  It can also depend on the issues of the MLCer and how long he can keep avoiding.  The other element in the affair can be OW/OM, will there be a time when they are fed up of the MLCer.  Perhaps they will walk away before the MLCer does.


Is it an affair-down

We all hear that these affairs are usually affairs-down.  It would be interesting to know whether we all feel the same.  My H has certainly found an affair-down in many ways.  Plus she has all the things he hates (or did hate).


What Prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

I think that if we fight the affair in any way this can help prolong it.  By not giving the affair any energy it helps to diffuse the tension and leaves the MLCer with the affair running its course.  I made sure that I avoided the OW in my sitch, in fact I never mention her but family and friends know all about what is happening and thus made it public to the people who my H holds in high regard.


How does the affair break-down and what are the signs?

I think we all want to know this.  What are the signs that it is coming to an end?  Perhaps someone who has been through this would be able to give details of any signs they noticed.  I would imagine that it is a slow break-down that occurs as they both realize that things are no longer a fantasy.  Does the affair break down faster when they live together?  Not sure about that either but I imagine they spend more time together and more time to get on each others nerves!


Is there anything unusual about the affair?

I've added this due to my own experience.  My H found someone who looks very much like him and his mother.  She is even the same height.  Also, I was born in a different country to where I live now and OW comes from the same country and not just that she even comes from the same town!    that is weird!

So I know we are all GALing and not paying attention to OW/OM and the affair but we all have questions and all want to hear opinions and discuss our thoughts on this subject so please add more questions and comments and hopefully we will find some valid things to discuss.

Dandy

Previous threads on the subject
Link to original thread "Questions about the affair/OM/OW"
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=30.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1454.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=423.0

[Patience]

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last?

I don't know.  H's was about 13-14 months and then 4 months of ending all contact. 

Is it an affair-down?

Definitely was.  She was/is married, and having her own MLC I suspect.  She is in many ways my opposite--ugly (hahaha), fake, materialistic, and stupid.  I could go on, but it's not a place I want to visit again. 

What Prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?--again, I don't know.  Each situation is different.  I do know we cannot break it up.  One huge difference between an MLC affair and a regular affair is that in MLC exposure of the affair does not end it.  In a regular affair exposure typically will end it.  It's one of the "signs" that this is an MLC.

How does the affair break-down and what are the signs?--I was not privy to the details of the break-down.  H was not here, but he was not living with OW.  I suspect he began to see me as strong and a lighthouse while she remained weak and ugly.  She was not growing, and I was.  Again, just my guesses based on things H has said. 

Is there anything unusual about the affair?--Not in my case.  It was a matter of convenience and the two of them sort of finding each other at a very low point in their lives.  He did not intentionally seek her out.  They were friends in high school and reconnected via a mutual friend on FB.  (How I hate FB!)  It truly was a matter of another sad, MLC person being in the right place at the right time.  I suspect many MLC affairs are a matter of convenience--someone from the past in many cases or someone that is nearby--eg- a co-worker, a neighbor, etc.

While others have experienced the OW/OM also being married, there are fewer of us with that experience.  There is something unique about it, but I've not yet figured out what that is. 

Exposure thread link
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=404.0

[NewBeginnings]

My H's Affair started I believe as EA with a woman 20 years younger than him at work the spring of 2010.  It went physical Sept. 2010.  Been living together full time since BD 2/2011 but I know she was staying with him months before that at our apt. in the town he works.

She is definitely without a doubt an Affair Down.  She lost custody of her son when he was 3.  He is now 17.  She has spent time in jail for writing bad checks also.  2 kids, 2 different fathers and she's never been married.  Not to mention she was living with my H months before he left me in Feb..  Who does that?

I have no idea what breaks down the affair.  They live 4 hours away so I have no in-site what so ever to what goes on with them.
H has worked with this woman for 10 years.  I guess he felt so low that all it took was for her to flirt with him a little bit and that  planted the seeds.   He seems to have a huge ego now and so that tells me she is validating him and telling him how wonderful he is.    I had my first session with a Therapist yesterday and he said rarely do these relationships work out.  He also said
that when their relationships blows up, it's probably going to get really really ugly for my H because OW will sue him for sexual harrassement at work.   Funny, thats exactly what my PI told me.  Therapist also said there is no way OW is going to want to give up my H or the lifestyle he has given her.  I worry that my H will stay with her out of fear of what she will do if he were to end it with her.
Her family are really rough people and are the type that you would not want to get on their bad side if you know what I mean.  No wonder he doesn't associate with them at all.    I'm sure that my H knew nothing about OW's past or about her family before he got involved with her.  He's still living with her so he must be happy with her.   The Therapist also told me that a man
going through MLC always has an affair with someone way beneith them and that makes him feel better about himself because he
saved her from her poor pitiful life.  He said he is her Knight and Shining Armour.   My H under normal circumstances wouldn't give this woman a 2nd look.  She is fugly and heavy.  Sometimes I just don't get it.

NB

[justasking]

Is it an affair-down

H found her on a dating site waiting to be discovered. OW has a good job etc but is emotionally needy. My H became her Knight when her marriage was breaking up. He find her 'friendship' very supportive when he was unhappy in our relationship! Typical 'my wife doesn't understand me' I think.

What Prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

If the LBS is clingy and needy which enables the H to continue to justify where he is will prolong an affair. But it is what it is and if we detach that will ultimately help to break it up. As we get stronger the OW gets more and more needy.

How does the affair break-down and what are the signs?

Not sure you would see the signs of the affair breaking down other than tolerance becomes less between H and OW. Eventually the affair doesn't give them the buzz that it originally gave the MLCer and the OW becomes more needy and emotionally manipulative. She becomes a clinging mess whilst the LBS looks strong and independent. Some MLCers will stay with their OW through neediness and fear of being alone.

Is there anything unusual about the affair?

In my H affair the OW has much the same neediness as his mother and H cares for her! It's uncanny really. Often they choose women who fulfill a need they have at that time. That's why eventually when these needs and issues are dealt with the OW becomes their nemesis.

xx

[Synicca]

I think I am one of the few here that have had front row seats with regards to honey and OW..Yah, Where's the popcorn??

Most surly an affairdown...I am a firm believer that NY-OW has BPD or By-polar, both? Anything you read on OW's just paste a pic of Honey's there and you have it..LOL!

I have no idea what prolongs the affair, I dont see ANY reason why honey and NY-OW continue their R, Its been toxic from the get go..so whatever they are holding onto, is a complete wonder in my eyes.

As for breaking it down...Sometimes I think they will break up through a fight, but then I see honey dive deeper into the addiction and I think different..I think they do die a slow death...

I have seen honey say and do things that SHOULD make anyone break up with him, but it seems that even when him and I have slept together and had sex, or he hangs out with another OW...NY-OW still hangs on, I believe SHE wants HIS money and security. so she refuses to let go for the free ride. She SHOULD see by now that honey doesnt want her here, Yet...there she is holding on for dear life! ugh! LOL!

Sometimes I think there is a way to help them break it off..but then I see she'll DO ANYTHING..so nope. wont work!

[Mitzpah]

Is it an affair-down

The verdict is still out on this one, I am not sure. She is well educated, she is prettyish (I consider myself better looking, but maybe that is just me!), she is ten years younger, she is not as well employed, she was married (long term marriage), she has two kids who are about five years younger than ours...

What Prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

I am following the advice given here - no clinging, no confronting and it became public knowledge in June/July 2011, but at the moment, the affair is still going on - I believe they met up again (after a 17 year hiatus) in April 2010, an EA developed as of July 2010 and I guess it became a PA in January 2011 - not sure about all of that though, especially as to when it became a PA.
So it has been ongoing for about a year or a little more.

How does the affair break-down and what are the signs?

I don't know and would like to know...

Is there anything unusual about the affair?

The fact that she is a psychologist and herself from a longstanding marriage (just under 20 years) points to a suspicion that she must be going through MLC herself in my mind.

[Freddygone]

How Long does the average MLC affair last?
I am not sure as each has it's own characteristics and players. If there is Narcissism involved then longer as this individual is on a mission of their own definition. The opposition to the mission will need to be strong or they have to see it as lost and that will take a strong LBS or a MLC who gets really angry with the OM/OW. In my case witha Narcissitic OM so far the whole relationship has been almost 5 years and an affair for 2.5 years. Something will happen soon is my belief, one way or another.
Is it an affair down?
I think almost always, but the other person will initially be a good actor and give the impression of being something different to their actual character. The mask will fall.
What prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?
Narcissism will prolong things as they don't want to give up control, whoever is the narcissist will dictate what happens when if they can. Public opinion could go against a narcissist, so visibility will expose them. I don't think we can do anything apart from standing, being honest about everything if people ask and don't bash our spouse. Spouse bashing will prolong things as it pushes them away from us and towards another. (Logical?) Being strong and successful alone should make them want to follow as the affair is a static thing in development terms.
How does the affair break down and what are the signs?
I have no idea, but I am watching. From previous cases I have seen, either OM/OW gets tired of not seeing the cards collapse and gives up or simple incompatability becomes obvious. Sex is not love, soulmates aren't found they develop over years of shared experience. I see my wife regaining some of her respectability in the way she dresses and she is working and being motivated again. Something is changing. 
Is there anything unusual about the affair?
All I can say is that in my case with my wife and OM, it seems like mutual vanity and panic at ageing. But eventually, looking like an aged rocker shows in the mirror, no matter how bad our eyesight. 

[Dandy Lion]

What prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?
Narcissism will prolong things as they don't want to give up control, whoever is the narcissist will dictate what happens when if they can. Public opinion could go against a narcissist, so visibility will expose them. I don't think we can do anything apart from standing, being honest about everything if people ask and don't bash our spouse. Spouse bashing will prolong things as it pushes them away from us and towards another. (Logical?) Being strong and successful alone should make them want to follow as the affair is a static thing in development terms.

Freddy, in my sitch I do not believe either are narcissists.  My H never showed this in his character.  He is a conflict avoidant character and so is OW because H has told me she runs away from problems and she is afraid of me.  A narcissist would not behave in this way.  SO ....... does an affair prolong when there are two conflict avoiding personalities running together?  Can they keep running?  In the end, don't they have to run away from each other?

[Mamma Bear]

  Well everyone here knows Bowser has a ribbon on :  Miss Affair Down 2011.
  Thanks to what I've read here Thank you!! Thank you!!!  Thank you!!  and what my sister who's been through this tells me it CAN NOT last. It's delusional. They are mentally unstable and everyone can see it.
  He went to her bc "a black cloud was swalowing him up and he would've died if he'd stayed."
  Now 9.5 mos post BD he had moved right in with her after idolizing me for 16 years and doting on me and the Ds.
  His self esteem and self worth were in the gutter. He started up with opiates (again) and drinking(again) and off to the races.
  I saw pix of him and his S 21 from Chicago on FB yesterday. he looks sooooooooooooooooo sad.
  When I see him in my kitchen he looks happy, smiling at me and touchy compliments towards me. I have accepted her as a Symptom of MLC  like having a temp if you've got pneumonia.
  Since he told everyone Mama Bear was the problem and our M, he needs to proceed with this fantasy until it "plays itself out" I heard him say that once about some other R my H and I were referring to. (a friend of ours)
  Since I have a great career and a clean house and the Ds 9 and 11 under control (straight A students) he knows he can take his time(while panicking) hoping I don't meet a nice handsome doctor here at work.
  H was always very very picky about who he dated. This OW is a train wreck. I have full faith it will implode. Especially since I pretend it's a BLIP on the screen. Finally. My sister read that the affair usually lasts 2 years plus or minus.

[Freddygone]

Hi Dandy Lion,
I am no expert, not in any way, but I know Narcs have a plan and they keep things going unless things go off plan and out of their control, or if opinion go against them, they may run if opposition is overwhelming. Usually opposition from authority such as a court or general opinion which affects their business.
From what you describe it is unlikely to have the affair prolonged unless the couple are pushed together by either party being critisised, then they may join ranks to fight off that attack.

The other person will always be afraid of the LBS and this is why in my opinion we (LBS) are best to be a little mysterious, distant, unavailable, not pass opinion to them directly, but going about our own life and ideally upwards and therefore an unknown quantity.
How can they (LBS) be so happy without me? Ha Ha

The more internal pressure there is on their relationship the better.
The more relaxed and happy you are, the more pressure you apply without doing anything apart from being sucessful, and the more attractive you become to your spouse.