[crazyforhim]

Dandy,
My H and OW are similar- both are conflict avoiders. So I figured this R will last quite a while in avoidance.
I know OW puts the pressure on for H to divorce me so I guess my worry is that H will give in to the pressure and get the divorce so he can marry OW. I know they are weak and cannot fight back so what gets them past wanting a divorce from us? They want to avoid conflict so they will do pretty much whatever OW asks at this point, NO?
I know OW is good at pressure but also manipulation so H is just carrying on with her and I am over here waiting for divorce talk again.....

[Freddygone]

Hi Crazyforhim,
this is your marriage.
I have experience of the other person pushing for Divorce. You don't have to accept it.
It is your marriage and a third party should not be involved or involved in a decision to end it. This was my argument and if anyone should be initiating a Divorce it is the LBS and in their own time.
You don't have to sign anything and you don't have to make things easy for them.

Just my 2p, but we can all be avoiders?

[crazyforhim]

Thanks Freddygone,
H brings up the D sporadically so the conversation starts and then it gets put on hold and H doesn't bring it up again for a bit.
I'm not 100% sure but I would think H brings it up to me when OW mentions it to him and then all gets forgotten until the next time it is brought up again...what a cycle.
I understand I have choices but just don't know anymore...ugh!

[Freddygone]

Yes, they mention Divorce as a threat. They think it will frighten us, as they are frightened of the instability. My wife did the same in early days.
Then she was pushed to sign divorce papers by this other man who has never had children and never been married. I simply opposed it, all the accusations of bad behaviour I answered and it was a limp attempt anyway. It is dead in the water.
Now we start to assess finance and assets and that takes a loooonnnnngggggg time. Time is our friend.
I only hear talk of divorce now from the lawyers and I just say 'it is not time yet'.
Relax until pushed, then delay. You don't have to sign your marriage away.

In most cases your spouse does not want that either.
 

[Dandy Lion]

Sounds like we need another subject on the list:

How does OW affair affect the MLCer

crazyforhim:
H brings up the D sporadically so the conversation starts and then it gets put on hold and H doesn't bring it up again for a bit.
I'm not 100% sure but I would think H brings it up to me when OW mentions it to him and then all gets forgotten until the next time it is brought up again...what a cycle.
I understand I have choices but just don't know anymore...ugh!

Freddygone,
I have experience of the other person pushing for Divorce. You don't have to accept it.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

So I am not so good at starting discussions but here goes:

You did a good job with it! I think you phrased the questions just right.

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last

Personally, I don't know if he and the Op are still involved. My feeling is "yes", even after 2 1/2 years, or there is another Op. It's crazy how I don't know...  I've always chosen not to seek out the details. Now I'm wondering if I should have "looked". Anyway, that person is irrelevant to me.

Is it an affair-down

From the snippets I was told, I got the feeling that the Op is very much like his mom. Very loud, outspoken, "motherly". Very different from me. I never thought of her as an "affair down" in the sense that I always just thought of her as just another person with issues. The term affair-down sounds so belittling to me but I completely understand the reason why it's used. It was just a personal choice that I made early on not to see the Op in that light.

What Prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

I think that if we fight the affair in any way this can help prolong it.  By not giving the affair any energy it helps to diffuse the tension and leaves the MLCer with the affair running its course.

I agree with this. I didn't give it any of my energy but I have no idea what, if any, affect that had on the dynamics of their situation. I guess, I'm not being very helpful, lol. I am curious about all of this, too, and this thread, sounds like a good way for me to consider the issue objectively ( I don't want to put too much thought into it or it will make me nuts ).

[LisaLives]

Dandy, While your H may not have been narcissistic before MLC, the majority of MLC experts liken MLC to a narcissistic temper tantrum.  HE is being a narc NOW.  I have not read your whole thread, but anyone who walks out of a long-term relationship with little regard for the other person, or kids, or family and friends is being hugely narc.  It may pass when his storm passes, but for now, that is a huge part of his thinking.  I am not an expert, but it only makes logical sense.  And most narcs are conflict avoidant, and PA, those things are not mutually exclusive.  The only thing narcs are NOT are self-effacing, introspective, highly empathic, or self-sacrificing.  Just a thought for you.  Love and light, Lisa     

[kie]

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last

Well, in my case the affair lasts already 3+ years from July 2008. He's having an affair with a co-worker who he didn't like in the first place, in January 2008 he didn't want to hire her but his colleques did so after a holiday in February 2008 she was hired and also had a desk in his room. He didn't think much of her. She was also married, two kids, much younger than ours. Seven and nine years younger than our oldest son. In may 2008 he asked if we had to stay married because according to him we wanted different things in life. After that crazy behaviour started, losing weight, lots of running and excersizing, asking me if he became bold etc. There were moments he was horrible in his behaviour, kept me wondering what the hell happened with him. In July 2008 he wanted to go on a holiday on his own. Behind my back he booked a holiday to Spain which wasn't the plan in first case. I was very mad at him. He went but after the holiday he didn't get a warm welcome home. I set my boundaries and after many talks about the relationship which according to him was fine he left in September 2008 after saying he had an affair with the co-worker for already two months.

Is it an affair down?

She is ugly, much shorter than me and blond short hair, I am a brunette with long hair. She is three years younger than me but looks much, much older with lots of wrinkles. She has, according to the children, not a nice body. In the past she has lost 60 pounds. She is in MLC also, she came out a long term relationship.

What prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

He is narcistic, is constantly trying to control me but I am not taking the bait. There is only contact through email. In the last three years I have a few times criticized him and been angry at him.  I always get monster in return. But these mails were not often sent and with many months between them. Maybe I keep him in the tunnel with my behaviour? I don't know. I still get monster every time I ask him something. If I am nice, businesslike, angry or whatever, nothing matters. Monster, monster or trying to manipulate me.
I am a very strong lady with four feet on the ground, living my life without him. I haven't seen him in a year and haven't spoken with him for two.

Is there anything unusual about the affair?

He narcistic, she MLC, he MLC. Both sacrificed their marriage for their affair. So, maybe they'll think they have to make it together for sacrifising so much? In february this year he said to a friend that she is only there for s.x and he is not sure about her, still searching but now it's almost december and nothing is changed.

For the first 11 months they each had a rental, but were always together in his/her house. After that they took another rental together so they are now 2+ years in that house.  Plus they are working together so 3 years of staying 24/7 together. So when I read that the relationships blows up quicker when they are together 24/7 is not true in my case, unfortunately. They are still together after 3+ years. In my thoughts it will never blow. Maybe they will stick together for years en years. And than I am wondering: why am I still hoping and praying for the relationship to blow up? After all this time I get the idea it never will.

[Mac49]

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last

First one 3 - 4 months preceded first bomb drop, I think the new breasts elevated her self esteem and she wanted to try out a younger man.

Second one - pretty sure EA only, old friend from post high school, provided affirmation for the choices she was making. less than 2 years.

The boys tell me she has several male friends, none last more than couple of months.

Is it an affair down?

PA delivery boy - She's a registered nurse
EA - Unemployed musician

Yeah

What prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?
Exposure of MLC affair brought out monster in my X, she still denies everything to this day, can't explain the herpes though.
I chose to assert control over my actions including what behaviors I would tolerate in my life. Sometimes ending the marriage is the only way either party to move forward and heal.

Is there anything unusual about the affair?
My X's affair(s) served to sever her ties with her current social circle. She retreated into focusing all attention on that one thing everything else was and is expendable.

Happy Thanksgiving Brothers & Sisters

Mac

[limitless]

How long does the average MLC AFFAIR last


First one - EA with ex-wife from 35 years ago.  (She lived in another State.  Only saw her face to face for 1 weekend in 2009 - maybe became a PA then, who knows?) - Started mid 2009 - ended soon after he left August - 2010. - so 14 months or so.

Second one -  Ex high school girlfriend.  Got into contact via FB.  (She also lived in another State).  Began 11/10 - ended around Feb-Mar 2011 - after they spent a week together in her RV on vacation.  - so 4-5 months.

Current one - I think he actually has met someone in the same State!  When it began - sometime after March or April.   I think it got physical (serious?) by August when he asked me for a divorce.  Don't know how long this will last or if I will even know when it is over.

Is it an affair down?

Ex-wife - I believe she was recently divorced from her 2nd husband when she got into contact with my H.  I don't think she was ever serious about him, as she dumped him as soon as he left me and the family. 

Ex-high school girlfriend - Definitely

Current one?  - I have no idea.

What prolongs the affair, can we help it to break up?

I think the 1st one was prolonged because it was all a fantasy in his head.  After he saw her face to face - he fell deeply in love and convinced himself that she was his true wife and I was his affair?  I think this was prolonged by him.  She was already done - long before she told him.

The 2nd one - I don't think he was too interested actually.  When they first got in touch with each other it was to re-live high school experiences (this is something he does a lot of....re-living high school).  When they were with each other 24/7 - he found her to be "too argumentative."  (I heard all of this 2nd hand).

We cannot help it to break up.  We can only pro-long it by getting involved.  Leave the Titanic to sink on its own.  It will, trust me, it will.

Is there anything unusual about the affair?


First two (2) affairs were very clearly my H's attempt to re-live his youth.  Both women were women he was involved with between the ages of 16-20.  Both were long distance affairs - and he had much opportunity to imagine in his head that these women were still the youthful girls he remembered.  He truly believed he was in love with the ex-wife.  The high school girlfriend (I think) pushed him for it to be more than it was. 

The current one is unusual - as it appears like he is "moving on" to someone who is actually living near him and not from his past.  I guess time will tell on this one.

To this day - my H insists that there is no one else.  He even denies the ex-wife - saying that it was just a fantasy in his head and not real.  He desparately does not want to be seen as a "bad guy" and wants others to think of our marriage break-up as his inability to live with someone as difficult as I was/am.

L