[crazyforhim]

OMG then my H and OW are way past due the break up....yikes!

[sambriony]

I have not posted for some time.May this year in fact. Quick summary BD Jul09, 2 D'S togther 28 years.Affair down absolutely.My divorce came through a couple of weeks ago.I delayed as long as I could.I have been in NC for all of the time we have been seperated except for 8 weeks post BD.H is marrying the OW on Valentines day next year. He looks awful but telling the world he is really happy.He has been in No ctc with his 2 D's for all of the time.A doting father(his words not mine), he sent cards last week for the first time in 2 years asking to meet his daughters.He reconnected with his father, sister and friends after he decided to get married which he announced a few days before his daughters 21st birthday..Can we break the affair..i dont believe we can but havent tried.I have followed all the rules on here as one of the early supporters. D21 saw him a couple of weeks ago with her.Says he is fat(was a personal trainer), looks depressed and bedraggled. These woman bring them to their knees and a s amedium said to me,She will bring him to his knees....We just have to watch and wait..sometimes for a very long time if thats what we chose to do....
Married 28 years so 28 months.....we are at 27 and no sign of an end...xx

[brokenhearted]

Hi Dandy Lion,
You had asked the question is it an affair down? I don't see that it is in my partner's case. The woman he is with is 12 or 13 years younger than him. She works in a school as do I.  She has worked there about 18 years. I found out she speaks around the country on her area of expertise and has won several awards for her work. She is attractive, seems to have a nice family, lives in a gorgeous, large home with an elderly parent who she helps care for. Her family adores my partner who of course is their knight  in shining armor, he always was a kind and caring soul. He takes her mom to church.
She has been written up in papers for her work, one article described her as kind, friendly, perky and very hard working. I am not seeing the affair down. He seems just to have moved on with a new family who seems to love him.
Maybe it isn't always an affair down.

[StandandDeliver]

brokenhearted - RCR's discusses the "affair down" in one of her articles. Affair downs sometimes pre-exist or are created by the affair dynamic itself.
So, a person could be an affair down in terms of looks, education or social standing. Or they might not be. But someone who is willing to get involved with a married person and conduct a "secret" relationship behind the backs of a spouse and often children is engaging in "affair down" behaviour (so morally speaking it is an "affair down").

Not only that, but they have accepted a person that they KNOW is capable of deceiving the people that they love into their lives, sometimes for a long time. So, they often will gradually engage in "affair-down" behaviour (jealousy, paranoia, controlling behaviours) that they may not have engaged in before. Anyone who thinks this is the dynamic of a healthy relationship is already damaged in some way - another thing that makes this an "affair down". 

I have no idea if my H's OW is a nice person (I assume that in some areas of her life there are people who believe that she is). She is younger than me and him, she is reasonably attractive and reasonably well educated. But I know that she has big abandonment issues that have damaged her - H gets this ridiculously OVER sympathetic glaze across his eyes when talks about her "problems", as if they justify her actions. I don't know what she was like in her previous relationships (I actually don't know that much about her), but I have witnessed "affair down" behaviour in her. Watching H like a hawk, determining how long and when he can spend time in my presence and on the phone to me. I am sure that he has had to bend over backwards to accomodate her paranoia (but being in MLC he currently confuses controlling and clinging behaviour as "love".)

I don't know your situation, but my guess is that you would never contemplate dating a married person, broken. So, at least in the sense that she either does not have, or does not live by, good moral values, she is an affair down from you.

[crazyforhim]

As much as I read and know about the OW it still baffles the mind that someone can believe this
R is good and that the MLCer loves them. I don't think I will ever understand the R between my H and OW it seems so
disfunctional but they think it's all good.....so hard to wrap my head around.

[Chrysalis]

I totally agree CrazyforHim.

OW is texting him all the time and he is muttering "Shut up " and "Go Away" at his mobile phone but is still determined to marry her now that her divorce has come through.  This is not a happy man and I just find it so difficult to get my head round.

[crazyforhim]

Chrysalis,
I guess the fact that they stay together for SO long is one thing. Who could bear to be in a R like this for a few months let alone a few years!!! I know we aren't supposed to worry about their R but when I can't wrap my head around it- makes it more difficult to let go of it. I am the type of person that once I understand and grasp the situation I can let go of it! Dectaching is easier but their R is confusing....

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I don't want to sound off the wall, but my w has painted herself as the wounded princess. She lets OM know that he is her knight and king all wrapped up into one package. If he told her that it is okay to go play in the street, she would. Part of the problem is that it is all fantasy for my w and him. I mean, they don't live with each other. They contact with each other through email, chat, even though she denies it, I bet they have skyped each other. Have they met, I do not know but OM has been itching for the opportunity.

However, in our MC, we have just broached the affair and until she is ready to give it up, I cannot really make it a topic. Only the alcoholic can commit to quitting. The others can urge, but the alcoholic is the one that has to make the personal commitment.

One thing I will state, OW does not care one bit about you at all. My w has no concerns about OM's wife. She simply states, "She is his problem." Of course, it would be nice to have her find out and call my w and chew on her. To threaten her and make her realize that her fantasy involves real people and real feelings. Would it stop the affair? I don't know.

After all, my wife thinks the world of him and can draw on him for emotional support without any commitment. It is an odd relationship, but beleive me, there are real feelings and bonds even despite the great distance.

Just my perspective.

[Love being on higher grounds]

Hey Ready...

This is just my .02...

I had ow contact me...I knew about her, and did nothing...was hard, VERY hard, but I wasnt buying into any of their crap...anyways, I simply claimed I had no idea who the heck she was, or why she was calling me...ended that

Like a year and a half later, she tried again...at this point I had grown, and knew SOOOO much more, I simply told her that I was sorry, I didnt have time or desire to be in their fantasy land at all...and basically said goodbye and hung up...nothing again ever...

I have no clue as to what she would have said to me, I didnt and still dont care...they are crazy...

I do agree with you 100% they do not care one bit about the spouse, and honestly when I try to pin point the timeing of those calls...it was when problems started, the first time, and the second was when he was threatening to leave but still hadnt...

maybe this will help...

Hugs,
L

[Gutted]

How long is the 'affair' lasting

I believe at least emotional as of 2 years (pre-first bomb drop and D filing day) because I brought up a story a friend shared of a woman she knew that got in the head of a male coworker and poisoned his mind to his marriage.  I also shared with him when my friend is out with that friend for drinks, etc. by the time the night is over, she questions everything about her marriage and thinks of leaving till she wakes up in the morning and is like - whoa!.    H seemed to agree with me - like I hit a nerve.  He almost did a headslap 'ah ha!'

I believe physical as of end of 1/11 but I know as soon as he moved out 3/11.

Is it an affair down?

LOL  The mother of all affair downs physically.  The woman is a DECADE OLDER, and is probably the most physically unattractive woman I've ever seen.  Literally.  She also looks a decade older than she really is.  My h is attractive, tall, slim, younger looking than his age.  I mean, if you saw the pictures...  wow

She is not liked at work and I was told she was manipulative, conniving, needy, lonely, and power-hungry.

Her divorce from a 38 year marriage was final 1/11.  She has SIX grandchildren.  LOL

What prolongs affair, can we break it up?

I believe what prolongs it is in part due to the 'affair down'.  OW has scored big time with my H.  I know she is feeding his ego and showering him with praise and adoration 24/7.  She also wears the pants and is 'directing' him.  He never knows what to do so she is a strong woman, calling the shots.  They only socialize with her older crowd doing things he wouldn't do with me or his friends.   She needs him (she scored) and at her age I believe she won't let her guard down ANY time soon.  She will never let him go on her watch.

IDK how we can break these things up. 

Is there anything unusual about the affair?

Well, risk of professional reputation to H.  Her advanced age and mostly looks.

How does OW affair affect the MLCer

She is shiny and new.  She showers adoration upon him.  He could've gotten that from me but I wasn't 'new'.   H seems to now have an arrogant vibe to him.  Pompous if you will.  Sense of entitlement.   Harder/colder.  Others have noticed this change.