[Sassyone]

LOL, it didn't come across that way.    One day on this journey is too long in my book!

[In this for ME]

NO KIDDING!! I remember when it was minute to minute then hour to hour UNTIL it finally got to day by day.
I was talking to my Dr and she said to look at how far I had come. I used to live my life in minutes now I say to myself that maybe I'll feel better by Christmas. At least I'm looking at a month down the road ( well 20 days anyway)
It's not fun and it's not rewarding for me because I want it to be done!! All the hurt and the emptiness and the anger and sadness just DONE!!

[TrustingMyHP]

Dandy Lion,

Thanks for starting this thread.  It's interesting to read other's OW stories in compact form.

Also, though, a bit depressing for me.  My H has been in his affair a l-o--n-g time.  Significantly longer than most here.   If I believe what he tells me, he met OW almost 3 years ago, in Feb. '09. 

He met her in another state where he had to make periodic trips for his work.  They immediately began an EA which became a PA six months later, in late summer '09 (of that I am certain because of evidence I discovered after BD.)

So they've been sleeping together for close to 2 1/2 years.

BD was 11 months ago.  Immediately after BD they moved in together and have been inseparable ever since.

I don't know about the affair down.  At first, I thought so.  My H told me at BD that she wasn't as smart or as well educated as me, that she was "an ordinary person" (his words.) 

My D, who has met her several times, tells me the same thing, that she's "average."  My D tells me, "Mom, she's the anti-you."   My D, who's getting her master's in social work so she has some idea of what she's talking about, also tells me she thinks OW is clinically depressed.  Need I say that my D does not like her.

OW's been married twice.  Her first H was an alcoholic (all this is according to my H) and her second H supposedly "struck her" once.  Coincidentally that incident took place at around the same time she and my H began sleeping together.

OW was a nurse and was married to a doctor when she met my H.  She left her H when the affair with my H became physical and her divorce was final shortly after she began living with my H here in our state 11 months ago.  She's disabled due to a chronic neurological condition so she doesn't work. 

She left her family and friends in another state to come live with my H on his boat.  Don't quite know what to make of that.  Who chucks their whole life to follow a man to a place they've never been before?

I only know three people who've met her.  My D, my SIL, and a mutual friend of my and my H's.  They all said the same thing, more or less, to me about her.  That she "seemed nice."   

She's 8 years younger than me.  I've seen photos of her on FB and she's not unattractive (although physically she's very different from me.)   I'd rate her at about the same level as me looks wise.  We're just different types.

My H's family seems to have accepted her.  I've only heard from the one SIL since BD, but she didn't tell me that any of H's other siblings had a problem with her.  One bit of juicy gossip my SIL told me was that H's other sister complained about OW being a sloppy housekeeper of the boat.  I found that hard to believe because my H always wanted things "ship shape" when we were on board.  Took great pride in that.  Strange that he'd tolerate OW being a slob.  Guess that's all part of the "becoming opposite" of who they'd been phenomena.

Isn't it one of the purposes of this board to drum into us that there's NOTHING we can do about the MLC affair?  At least in terms of shortening it.  I know RCR says we can prolong it by pursuing but as far as shortening it I understand it's akin to a fever.  It has to wear itself out in its own time.

Well, I saw my H today and he told me that he feels his life is now "sane."  He's deep in the tunnel and what he shows me, anyway, is that he's firmly convinced he's done the right thing and that our marriage had become unbearable to him.

2 1/2 years is a long time to be sleeping with someone.  Frankly, as the months go by and I see no signs of regret on my H's part, I don't have much hope he's coming out of this anytime soon--if ever.

TMHP

[Dandy Lion]

TrustingMyHP, thanks for your input.

2 1/2 years is a long time to be sleeping with someone

From what I read, 2 and half years must seem like forever, but replay is the longest stage and don't we all know it.  I think it is important to realize that the length of the affair varies from person to person, perhaps there are some averages but there are also the short term affairs and the long term ones.  Your H sounds to me that he has found the opposite of you, perhaps he will end the affair once he realizes that the opposite does not make him happy either!

Well, I saw my H today and he told me that he feels his life is now "sane."

Sounds funny to me that he has to tell you that he is now sane, that implies that when he left you he was insane........so he left you during a time of insanity, so now that he is sane he can hopefully make some clear-headed decisions to leave OW!!!

Take care
Dandy

[justasking]

TMyHP

My H has been with OW since March 2009 although I strongly suspect that he met her late 2008. It has been physical since Sept 2009. She refused him sex before then as he was still living at home with me and the children (an OW with morals?). Actually the chase for sex sealed my fate. OW was very clever when she used sex and used it as a positive consequence of leaving me.

So don't lose heart. Some on the forum are even longer. Every story is different with different lengths depending on the issues that need addressing.

It sounds as if your H wears a mask effectively. And DL is right. Maybe his life is less frantic now everything is in the open. But has more time for thinking 

xx

[StandingTall]

Trusting, mine has been gone off to fantasy land since 08 and yes, it seems an eternity. I feel he is emotionally unstable among other things! But I also realize the power the OW in this case wields... OW is definitely an affair down and if he were to stop and think he would realize such. She is not well liked at all in her job place, has been married twice in about a ten year time span, and is, as far as I am concerned a cheater (I wonder if it's serial cheating??)...so that puts her having to keep him to herself which means isolating him and it seems she has done this.
 My feeling is it will take time and then time for our MLCer to get the courage and the strength to get out of the hole!! They put themselves there but then how do they maneuver to get out...and for some, I see this as a tricky thing to do as it requires much more energy on their part and determination. Thnk about it...how much support does he have from others to help him  out? Is he able to ask for help? And can he do so without looking like the fool he has become?? So can he override his ego to ask for help or to just plain do what has to be done to get out??? Or does he continue on with her in control??
 Then if you read about suicides on the divorce busting site....and yes, I worry about myXH, knowing
I'm not supposed to but how can I not?? This is the part that I feel prolongs the affair.......any thoughts??

[StandingTall]

I am sorry!! I'm reading this again and it sounds negative but I was just putting out questions that have been going through my mind!! I have been trying to rationalize all this and trying to understand it too!! I see my husband as being vulnerable with his issues and the OW gave him a different perspective of it all...a perspective that allowed him to bury deeper those demons he needs to deal with. That was what I wanted him to do and she convinced hm that I was being cruel. I was being real! Because I have had very similar issues that I have been facing head on. SHE was his CURE and his bandaid. Things have calmed down to some extent because they are now "settled" in a new home but I feel as those it's going to be the calm before the storm. So let us pray that this gives them the needed time to gather their strength and courage to do what is not only right for them but for us as well. Some men are more vulnerable and their issues deeper than others and so the time it takes them to say enough is enough will be prolonged...my thoughts anyways as my H was not the most decisive type!!! Especially when the MLC had really kicked in! He couldn't find a parking space in an empty lot!!!! Seriously!!!!! And I couldn't for the life of me figure it out!!!!

[Dandy Lion]

I am sorry!!

 

No need to be sorry Standing Tall.  The whole point of this thread is to discuss our feelings regarding the MLC affair.  The affair itself is a very negative part of MLC and causes the worst pain possible for the LBS.  Please feel free to be open about what you feel and think about the affair and how you feel your MLCer is dealing with the affair and how everyone is affected.  These are important things to discuss and bring out into the open.  There are times when we feel very negative about our situations, and we all know that being positive is what we strive for but real life is not always positive and we have times where we all need to bring out topics that needs to be talked over.

Thanks for posting Standing Tall, I hope that some others have some thoughts regarding your post

My feeling is it will take time and then time for our MLCer to get the courage and the strength to get out of the hole!! They put themselves there but then how do they maneuver to get out...and for some, I see this as a tricky thing to do as it requires much more energy on their part and determination. Thnk about it...how much support does he have from others to help him  out? Is he able to ask for help? And can he do so without looking like the fool he has become?? So can he override his ego to ask for help or to just plain do what has to be done to get out??? Or does he continue on with her in control??
 Then if you read about suicides on the divorce busting site....and yes, I worry about myXH, knowing
I'm not supposed to but how can I not?? This is the part that I feel prolongs the affair.......any thoughts??

[NewBeginnings]

I have to say I agree with the last two posts.  I have a fear my H will never be able to dig himself out of the hole.   He just  keeps digging
his hole deeper and deeper.  I worry he may be one of of the ones that does commit suicide because of what he has done to me and our son.
He has been so cruel.   It is a very scary thought.  Everyday I ask myself if I can hang on.  H continues to treat me like sh**.  Yet he
created this entire mess not only with me and our son but the IRS.  Last week I had a couple of days I felt happy.  On the 2nd day, I had
to call H about the IRS and this mess he got us into.  He started screaming at me again.  He pulled me right back in to his drama, he took the little bit of happiness away that I was finally starting to feel.  Now I feel depressed again.   I hate MLC.

[StandingTall]

NB,
Muster your strength and know that you have done all you can and pray that God will guide him and give him the strength he needs. We can not turn back time, we must continue to move forward working on ourselves and building our own strength. We worry but there is nothing WE can do and we have done the best we can for them.  So we must pray for ourselves as well, for strength and courage too. Remember, we LBS's are much braver and much stronger than we think ourselves to be. It's not easy but we are survivors. Try not to get too down.