[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I just found this blog today from a woman who has been cheated on.  Here's the link to it

http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/

I don't know for sure that her H is in MLC but according to the OW's version of events as described in her email to the H, they were definitely living in some sort of fantasy.  YUCK!

[underpressure]

Someone asked me the other day to define a "Normal" affair. This has me thinking, lately, that all midlife affairs could probably be related to MLC, or be MLC affairs in and of themselves. I think it's an interesting idea anyway. I read it somewhere else as well...been mulling that one over.

But does anyone have a good way to define what might be a "NORMAL" affair? I have read so many therapists and counselors list out 300 varieties of affairs, all different.. And I am still confused. What is a normal midlife affair as opposed to a midlife crisis affair? So many of the elements of the other garden variety affairs are inside the MLC affair. Is it that the crisis, other than the affair itself, must last a specific amount of time? That the person has to change his denomination or some other more radical personality change (other than just a personality change in general?) for it to be MLC? I am on a slippery slope here??? slip slip slip...

Thoughts?

[trusting]

I personally think most affairs are NOT MLC affairs, the reason being that MLC is really  not very common, not a full blown crisis.  An affair in midlife does not necessary make it an MLC affair.

[underpressure]

I personally think most affairs are NOT MLC affairs, the reason being that MLC is really  not very common, not a full blown crisis.  An affair in midlife does not necessary make it an MLC affair.

Why does it seem like it's happening all around me?

Just within the last 2 years...my BIL went into a dark depression...angry, began taking meds for various syndromes that didn't work..has not left home, but is WEIRD. Totally changed his personality after quitting his job out of spite for his wife? This happened 2 years ago...ongoing.
My friend who officiated at our wedding....left his wife and child for a 29 year old wanna be actress in LA and is living in an unfinished condominium. This happened just a few months ago.
My husband, BD just last fall, a year ago.
Me? Over a year ago.
A husband of a client of SIL's (she gave her this website just a few weeks ago).
One friend from here had his boss go MLC just a few weeks ago.
It doesnt feel rare to me. But worth thinking about.

[Ready2Transform]

I almost wonder sometimes if it's like when you buy a red car, suddenly you see red cars everywhere.  We are so hyperfocused, it DOES seem to be everywhere.  Having said that...it DOES seem to be everywhere for me, too! But again, I just turned 39, and most of the people I interact with are in the 35-55 age range, so maybe it's just part of my station at the moment. 

To me, calling something an MLC affair has a lot to do with the other things going on for the MLCer.  They do tend to be more involved than just sexual affairs, and last longer, but at the same time they have a juvenile quality.  I'm not the expert though, I just know my H has been very clear to me that his reasoning for it had to do with feeling very alone and he felt OW had similar problems.  Last time he spoke of it he continued to downplay it all, though he presents to her that it is a big true love story.  Even when I said to him that I thought it was a big true love story, he laughed and said, "Oh, no...NO!".     I believe if it was legitimate, he'd legitimize it.

[trusting]

Other than the LBS from this site I have met in person, I can't think of ANYONE I know IRL who has had/is having/is dealing with someone in MLC. 

[Anjae]

I almost wonder sometimes if it's like when you buy a red car, suddenly you see red cars everywhere.  We are so hyperfocused, it DOES seem to be everywhere.  Having said that...it DOES seem to be everywhere for me, too! But again, I just turned 39, and most of the people I interact with are in the 35-55 age range, so maybe it's just part of my station at the moment. 

A bit of both those things. We are hyperfocused, or too aware, of MLC and tend to see it everywhere. If we interact with the 35-55 age range we are likely to see MLC more than on other age ranges.

I have knew some people that have had MLC, like my cousin. A male friend of mine is having one but he is divorced (has been for over 10 years) so it is not causing the problems we deal with.

In a normal affair, if the affair is found, the spouse will try to put an end to the situation and will not want out of the marriage. Most normal affairs, midlife or not, end at it. They do not see a spouse acting weird, personality change, and the rest of the lot. Lots of people have affairs but few have MLC one. Also, in most affairs one does not move to live with the other person. Nor are the children put aside.

[underpressure]

I am wondering if this is enough of a difference...the difference in degrees. Because when I had an affair, even though I loved my child more than anything on earth, I put my child's needs aside for my affair...i hurt my child. Any affair hurts the children. So is it then just a question of degree? Or a question of awareness? I did not believe i was hurting my child at the time. I thought maybe I was even helping him...better for everyone.

I like these ideas you guys are giving me, but I am not sold yet....it can't just be a matter of degree. I think I am still feeling the motivations are the same. I guess i need to interview a bunch of people who had affairs and are still married. OI!!!

[Dontgiveup]

Perhaps what this thread is really asking is whether or not someone is in MLC.  It might be beneficial to look at MLC symptoms other than the affair.....and there are typically several.

Vanity/aging
Projection/Hoovering
Doubts about belief system, values or life structures
Monster, sudden anger

It might also be helpful to read Limitless' post in the thread titled "Why stand when you could move on?"  Limitless matches up symptoms and MLC behavior to the information on this site and other resources.

[Anjae]

Underpressure, may I ask what was different between your affair and your husband's one? Why are you here? If it was a normal affair, like the one you've had, would you be here?...

Of course an affair hurts the kids but MLC is not a question of degrees.

DGU listed several of MLC sympthoms. The affair is only one of them. The other symphtoms, or several of them, have to be there for it to me MLC. MLC is way too different from a regular affair.