[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[ece711]

I too believe it's real.  I just wish that there would be a way to definitively say that in the end they will come back.  Sort of like other illnesses, for example Cancer.  At least with Cancer there is a cure depending on what stage cancer you have, and if the Doctor tells you Stage 4 then there will be closure and start preparing my Will, Funeral, and Life Insurance to take care of my love ones when I pass away.  I hate the feeling of just being comforted, and I hate the feeling that your close friends are just saying what you want to hear and not what the real deal is.

[Still]

These forums are just a small sample of how many of these MLC's there truly are. I can't tell you how many people I have met in the last three years who have directly or indirectly affected by MLC. It is amazing.

How it still remains a joke is beyond me?

The biggest reason I believe it exists is the core value shift. My h has changed his thoughts on so many things. He was crystalized in his views which he simply tossed aside. He has strong values in marriage, family, and commitment. He never ever spoke of any thing other than a solid future with me. He had the highest integrity of any person I have ever known.

All of that is just nonexistent right now. His friends and his family are baffled by his behaviors. His only allies are his co-workers which he can keep informed only at his discretion. He has told me many times about their divorce advice given so freely. Things like, "So-and-so says you are going to rake me over the coals!" I can only imagine how he portrays me. I have never said one word about financials, other than when he asked if I wanted our marital home, I told him "yes".

[LettingGo]

OP, I didn't mean to imply that hormones in the water are the sole cause of midlife depression .... however, given that MLC is a JOKE in our society, I wonder if approaching the topic of MLC through the hormonal changes would be a way to open discussion of the seriousness of midlife issues for some men (and women). I also wonder if balanced hormones wouldn't stave off some of the more destructive behaviors.... possibly avoiding a CRISIS, but navigating a transition.

Personally, I know my husband would be MORE open to the idea of balancing his hormones as a means to feeling better, healthier, stronger.. more like himself.... if his DOCTOR suggested it. Instead, his doctor just wrote him a prescription for VALIUM because he said he was feeling stressed over his job... she's a frikkin' pill pusher! He's had his hormones checked and been told they are in the "normal" range.... for whom? A 47 year old? Cuz where you want to be is on the HIGH side of about 22 years old for optimum health! But who do you think he listens to? His doctor, or ME? Not me... and his doctor told him he had to cut out the Monster drinks.... they aren't good for him - too much caffeine.... but do you think she knows about his excessive drinking? Or his diet? NO! That's what his cholesterol meds are for.... and do you think she wonders if his ED is due to depression? I mean, he's been on Cialis for YEARS!! He's fairly young for ED..... NO, NO, NO....she doesn't even QUESTION it... just writes him a prescription.

DEPRESSION is going untreated in these men and women... and I don't recommend pills for that either, by the way, because my BF husband has been on them for YEARS as his business has been tanking since 9/11 and he's pretty much a dialed out zombie.... I was just there and experienced him as he is on pills..... I've known him for 30 years..... he is like the living dead...

I just wonder if the discussion couldn't be OPENED UP with a focus on the hormonal changes and how they affect mood and the feelings about aging, etc. No one takes the AFFAIR as a symptom of depression.... it's all a big joke, or a reflection on how the wife must not be "meeting his needs". Just my opinion.

[Chrysalis]

I agree with LisaWeaves.  If it was an ordinary break-up you would both know about it as some discussion at least would have taken place.  I knew we were in a bit of a rut but all relationships go through that - I had no idea when he told me in the middle of an open area at work that he was going off to see the OW that this was what he was going to say.  There had been no forewarning at all.

He's also been on anti-depressants on and off for the last five years so they obviously don't help.

As everyone has said, I just wish this could be treated seriously and some proper research into MLC could be done.  As can be seen by this forum, it affects so many people but I'm afraid before this, I had never had any experience of it.  I went to a school reunion on Saturday and met people I hadn't seen for 34 years (scary!).  One of them was on the team who discovered a drug for rheumatoid arthritis.  I was telling her about it and we both though it merited serious research (hope she might be able to influence someone in that direction!)  She did also tell me she had a friend whose husband had left her and thought it was MLC so I sent her the link to this forum in the hope that it would help as it has me.

The other interesting thing today was that we mentioned something at work and said that it would have changed in a hundred years and we'd all be dead and gone by then.  He didn't like that and said that he would like to be young forever.  I pointed out that you wouldn't have the benefit of all life's experiences, but he said that there were plenty of experiences he would prefer to do without...

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I don't believe in midlife crisis in the sense that you turn forty and suddenly you lose your mind. It is not really age specific. Instead, the crisis is a reaction to an event we all go through. While most of us transition, there seems to be a group that regress back or fight the natural progression towards death.

For some reason, their actions become very self-centered, focused on having fun, and seeking a life that they feel they missed. In many forms, it is depression, bipolar symptoms, and narcissism all wrapped into one crisis. They become forgetful, angry, and seem to be dissatisfied with their current life. There seems to be a trigger that brings up past trauma that needs to be resolved in order to move forward.

I don't believe in the term midlife because it specifies and age versus an event that triggers an identity change that deals with unresolved childhood and teenage issues. I think it is more of a syndrome but that the seeds are planted in childhood and adolescence then triggered during adult life by an event that brings these issues to the forefront.

Just my two cents worth.

[arp1]

I'm still not sure if MLC is real or not. All of my reading and searching for answers to how my W has changed/behaved indicate that it is, but I agree and strongly identify with what readytofixmyselffirst wrote - this is exactly how I see things.

My W's MLC(?)  was triggered by multiple bereavements and basically the disintegration of her family in 4 years, her job not going right, approaching 50 and being perimenopausal, the kids becoming independent plus her friends getting cancer and dying or being treated. She has hooked up with an old BF from 30 years ago, is saying that she wants to 'have 'fun', 'live', that 'life is not a rehearsal', 'it's my time', etc, etc. All pretty standard stuff from what I can gather. But I think there is a link to her parents and how she saw their marriage.

She was a late child - conceived by accident in her parents late 30s/early 40s. Her mother always thought that her father had let her down and ignored her because he was very regimented and worked long hour, then when he retired and it was 'her time' he didn't notice her and carried on in his regimented way invading her space. W saw all this whereas her younger sisters (by 9 and 12 years) didn't (or not so much) because they'd left the family home long before. So I think W is seeing herself as her Mum and is terrified she'll end up bitter, resentful and basically feeling that she's been cheated of her happiness.

Just my 2p worth! 

[Mermaid]

The Midlife Crisis Is a Total Myth

http://www.livescience.com/12930-midlife-crisis-total-myth.html

The idea that midlife crises are common is a myth, experts say
"There is no specific time in life that predisposes you to crisis," said Alexandra Freund, a life-span researcher at the University of Zurich in Switzerland.
 
"There can be times when things crystallize as very problematic, a very deep disturbance in your life," Freund told LiveScience. "People experience these types of crises, but they are not at all related to age."
 
Instead, Lachman said, crises are usually spurred by some event that can happen at most any age, such as a career setback, the death of a friend or relative, or an illness.
 
Epidemiologists have found no spike in negative events – such as career disillusionment – in middle age, Freund explained.

[Shantilly Lace]

And of course the people they talked to would admit to MLC.

Hard enough getting women to admit to post partum depression let alone a MLC when they DON'T think anything is wrong.

[Dontgiveup]

Arp1

The things you are describing are symptomatic of MLC.  Here is info from RCR on that.

Symptoms
•Preoccupation or fear of aging or death
•Vanity: Obsession with appearance
•Dissatisfaction with previous goals
•Life of Accommodation has left him feeling trapped
•Impulsive or Compulsive Behaviour
•Irritability
•Restlessness
•Substance abuse
The above list is comprised of symptoms, not causes. Aging does not cause midlife crisis--it is inevitable; midlife crisis is not. Since midlife crisis seems to be isolated to technologically advanced Western cultures lacking in ritual rites of passage, ageism is often blamed, but it is also not a cause of midlife crisis; rather it is an incubator, providing ideal cultural conditions. Symptoms are outward manifestations, not the cause of the crisis. It is in the extremes of these behaviours and their opposing difference from a person's stasis that we find crises.


In your wife's case, as with all MLCers, we see the symptoms......as the article says.....they are the outward manifestations or the things that are noticed or verbalized.  It's hard to say for certain, but as you wrote in your post, you are aware of some probably unresolved emotional issues from when she was growing up.

As far as the term Midlife Crisis.....it's just a descriptor.  MLC is an emotional development crisis.....and if it happens during midlife, then it simply describes it.

If your wife's behavior is real.....and it obviously is.....and it has suddenly changed radically, then it's probably an emotional crisis.  It's real......no matter what anybody calls it.

[Mermaid]

I think MLC is a misnomer. It's a deep existential personal predicament. A Depp. Sounds so much more appealing, doesn't it, even to a Narcissist?

"I'm just having a DEPP. Don't worry, I'll get over it"