[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[Mermaid]

Hi Thundarr, it sounds like you are gaining insight into her sitch. Yes, there seems to be a lot of things she hasn't faced, can't accept, and hasn't dealt with. You might well be right about her feelings of failure (and rejection) being triggered  by your success. There are probably issues about control of her life, too. Does this help you deal with it all?

The main point is about you. You seem so hurt, and you need to look after yourself, get strong, know who you are on your own. You have your own journey to travel, like all of us, although at first it doesn't seem like that.

As you say, so rightly, one day at a time.

Take care, Mermaid

[Thundarr]

I'm not sure at this point how it helps me deal with this.  I know this happened at the worst possible time in my life as I was more worn down and weaker than I've been in years after putting forth so much time, energy and money toward school. 

I know that I've asked myself many times if I had decided not to finish grad school and continued on as I was whether this would be happening or not.  I've heard several (including HB) say that it would have happened anyway, but if it was triggered by my graduating somehow then that makes me wish I had never finished. 

Also, other than seeing her tired/ down sometimes I don't really see the depression.  I'm trained to look for those things, and if she's able to hide it that well not only from a trained therapist but her husband at that it must be incredibly deep down.  I'm just not picking up the signs most of the time.

Where does all this leave me with MLC.  I don't know.  I know it must take an incredibly powerful force to get a woman to leave her home, her husband and her family behind and move 3 towns away.  If there is an OM he must be out of town alot or something as I sometimes see her every night.  And I don't think any OM would be enough for a woman who's been a great mother for 18 years to up and leave her kids.  And, even though I'm not perfect I know I'm not bad enough for her to have done what she did.  It just blows my mind what has happened.

[Mermaid]

Thundarr, it's not to do with you, it's to do with her.

My H's MLC also came at the most difficult point in my life, while I was finishing my PhD, and working full time too. H The events in my life helped trigger his reactions (he's a perfectionist who thought I could have done more, better, more quickly), but it wasn't my fault either. Now H recognises that.

There seems to be no logical explanation for what they do, and logic doesn't bring them back. Personally, it helps me to understand, but we still need to accept and adapt to the changes.

I hope that your W also recognises  later that it was her problem, not yours, that led to her actions. But first you need to realise that it was not your fault, and it probably would have happened sooner or later no matter what you did.

Yes, it's mind blowing that this can happen. But it has. It takes time to come to terms with it. Apart from children and work, are you doing other things to feel that you are alive and whole?

[Thundarr]

I'm spending alot of time with the kids for one, and seeing them happy makes me realize that I'm much better off than my W is because as much of an act as she puts on she's ultimately missing out on them.  I'm also trying to get in a little time with my hobbies, but that's been really hard for me to do as my W and I shared almost all of them in some ways.  And there's not really anything I never got to do that I would have wanted to since she wasn't very restrictive about my comings and goings.

Btw, what is your Ph.D in?

[Sassyone]

Hi Thundarr:

Like you I went back to school and finished my undergrad degree and then enrolled in grad school.  All the while I was in school H supported and encouraged, took over household duties, etc.  I was working full time and going to school full time to make a better life for our family.  Graduated last January and then shortly thereafter bomb drop.  H had 2 semesters left to graduate college, but never did.  I believe that my graduating college and a few other factors initiated full blown MLC.

For a long time I thought it was my fault and did the shoulda coulda talk.  If I didn't go back to school and paid more attention to him, etc. then this would not have happened.  Eight months of therapy later I know now that it has nothing to do with me going back to school, however, it did bring up childhood issues that his parents did not guide him from the age of 16 years on and that he never finished school.  These are his issues and he will have to resolve them.

I have a live-in low energy MLC'er and he does sometimes talk to me about his feelings.  It is painful to witness and live with him on a daily basis, but I truly believe that he is slowly but surely getting to the point of seeing that his depression (that's what he calls it) is not just about our relationship and has other causes.  He still focuses on us (by the way we had a great relationship similar to yours prior).

One day at a time, care for your children (you are doing great) and know that you will have good days and bad days, they happen to us all.

Just know that our spouse's MLC is all about their issues and their failures (or perceived failures). 

GAL and build up yourself, it helps (but it hard to do).  Do one thing for yourself no matter how small every day.  I try to journal three great things that happened to me each and every day no matter if it is seeing a beautiful butterfly or something bigger.

Keep posting, this forum is a great support.

[Mermaid]

I have a live-in low energy MLC'er and he does sometimes talk to me about his feelings.  It is painful to witness and live with him on a daily basis, but I truly believe that he is slowly but surely getting to the point of seeing that his depression (that's what he calls it) is not just about our relationship and has other causes.  He still focuses on us (by the way we had a great relationship similar to yours prior).

Sounds like me, Sassyone. Except now it's been 32 months since BD. He talks a lot about what he's going through, but he's not generally a talker. It's hard having them gone (mine moved out several times because he needed space), but it's wearing having them home too. After nearly 3 years, there are some changes, but still a lot of uncertainties. However, my way of reacting to it all has changed.

I'm spending alot of time with the kids for one, and seeing them happy makes me realize that I'm much better off than my W is because as much of an act as she puts on she's ultimately missing out on them.  I'm also trying to get in a little time with my hobbies, but that's been really hard for me to do as my W and I shared almost all of them in some ways.  And there's not really anything I never got to do that I would have wanted to since she wasn't very restrictive about my comings and goings.

I know it's hard doing the same things on your own that you previously did together. I had the same situation. If you can, suggest that your W stays with the kids every other weekend, which will be good for them, and give you the chance to go off on your own. (She may also realise what life is like with responsibilities and without someone to share them). Just a thought. 

Btw, what is your Ph.D in?

Education (perspectives on the value of university education).

[hobo1]

Mermaid-
How are you?  Old Pilot suggested I read this thread, as I was wondering whether my wife actually has MLC or not.  I've also corresponded with Thundarr from another forum.

The reason I ask this question is because my wife is not like the other MLC'ers who go out and party, try to relive their youth, move out or abandon their kids.

I'll give you a brief summary, and hopefully you will recognize some of the symptoms...

We met in college, we were both 20 years old.  Her mother was very overbearing, and prohibited us to go out...  I'm not sure why, but the excuse was that she needed to finish school and concentrate on her school work first.  We didnt listen to them - but we sneaked around behind their backs.  We would schedule our classes so that there would be big breaks in between so that we can hang out with each other.  We were so in love, and it was so exciting...  the 'forbidden love' makes it even more exciting.

Needless to say, her parents were very strict, and she never got the opportunity to go out like most college kids did.  She was not very social, but I loved her.

We dated for 8 years, and got married.  Her parents accepted me, but at the last minute they decided not to come to our wedding.  It was a big blow for her.  Nevertheless, she was happy...  she was out of her parents house and we rented an apartment together...  we were living our own life....

3 years later we had our first child, and 2 years after that our second.  We were back to speaking with her parents, and we asked he mother to come and stay with us to help my wife out while I went to work.  Her mother said yes, but then refused to come saying she wouldnt know what to do...  Again - disappointed at her mother.

She decided to stay home while I went to work...  she had wanted to be a stay at home mother...  and I supported her.
For the next 6 to 7 years, I thought I had the best marriage and the best family life any man can ask for.

This past fall, I began noticing that she became distant with me...  I chalked it up to me not spending enough time with her.  During the financial crisis, I was very stressed, and spent a lot of time at work, and when I got home, I veged out, and did not help out as much as I should have...  I also had a pretty sure temper from the stress.

Right after Christmas, she started to withhold physically from me, and I asked her what the problem was...  She wouldnt tell me, but I insisted, and she told me that she was interested in another man, and she had no feelings for me....

I was shocked as you can imagine.  We tried to make it work, because she had said she was not sure why she felt the way she did...  She said she didnt have sex with this man, and told me she would no longer see him.  I called him to be sure.

We went on a couple of dates, but she was still very distant and wouldnt let me touch her.  It was 3 months, and I became impatient.  I said I really dont want to be with a wife that doesnt want to be with me.  I asked if she decided what she wanted to do...  she said yes, I no longer want to be with you...

I moved out of the house for a week, but came back to the house.  I told her that we had 2 kids very young who depend on us, we should really try to make this work.

She did not say she was going to try, she just told me to leave her alone.  Which I did.  After a month, I was tired and impatient, I asked what she wanted.  I said we havent spoken in a month - what do you want to do?

She said she doesnt love me, and that you can force love, and that she wanted a divorce.

I told her to hold off, that I will give her space by moving out for a couple of months.  After two weeks she told me to get a lawyer because she got hers.

I just got served the divorce papers about 3 weeks ago.  I told her I would move back in the house because I left the house to give her space, not so that she can divorce me...  Lots of drama in between that I will spare the details, but we are living in the same house, but different rooms....  She is nasty and angry towards me....  She cares for the kids, although she is more angry now towards them, and no where near as attentive.

Nevertheless, she seems depressed, but not always, she is always locked up in her room...  she doesnt speak to me, and she doesnt really go out...  She's blaming me for everthing under the sun, and always hateful and angry.

Some symptoms sound like MLC, others not so much.

Like thundarr, I'd like to stand and wait for her to come out of the fog if it is MLC.  If its not, perhaps it's just that she fell out of love.... due to the laundry list of items that are my flaws, temper, controlling, chauvinistic, unappreciative, didnt help out enough, too fat....

[LettingGo]

Sorry to hijack... but Thundarr.... your wife has FOO issues that she hasn't told you about.... that's what I'm "getting" and I'm not psychic, LOL!! I suspect the parents sleeping in separate bedrooms is just the tip of the iceberg for her..... my two cents worth.

[Thundarr]

TB - You really don't seem like the type that has any of these flaws to an extreme enough level for her to be doing what she's doing, so stop sweating it.  It's her, not you.

Letting,

I agree with you 100%.  Her family is divided into 2 groups of 3 kids each due to the age differences.  The 3 older ones all had alcohol and drug problems, and the two oldest have recovered and one is in AA for life.  The other brother died at 40 (wait!!  Hadn't thought about that significance...) from lung cancer after years of drug and alcohol use.

Her next oldest sister also died but from natural causes.  She was 36 and we were with her when she died.  I know my W grieved over that as I grieved with her.  Her sister had been married to an abusive husband, and had divorced and remarried him within months before she died.  He took her life insurance money, house and new van and left her kids (his step-kids) destitute.  A total piece of crap person.

I know my W was fondled by her grandfather when she was younger, but suspect there may have been something else she never told me about with so much alcoholism in the house.  She was date raped when she was 19, and that was alot of what she faced when we went to the campus I graduated from and even went to the house with me and took pictures.  She seemed to have really accepted what happened and not blame herself finally.  She was drunk when it happened and had felt like it was partially her fault even though I always told her it wasn't.

That may shed a little more light, and also makes me wish a million times over that I could take away whatever pain she has.  I've seen the tender person inside and she doesn't deserve to have any of this happening to her, if it really is MLC/ depression.

Thanks again for all your input and TB and I look forward to your responses.

[kikki]

I read a book about a neuroscientist who had a stroke on the LHS of her brain, leaving her with only the emotional, spiritual RHS, and no language or internal narratives ("My Stroke of Insight").

It's not like our MLCers have had a stroke, but in some ways, there LHS and RHS may have become disassociated, one side (left) being more dominant, leaving them with a sense of an unfulfilled self. This has parallels with Jungian psychology and the shadow self. When I told H the story, he recognised the relevance of this. The RHS is almost like an inner child, free, playful, emotional, with the potential for great happiness.

I followed up my hunch that MLC / stress may be connected to LHS brain regions, and I found signs that there are neurological changes in midlife, which mirror those described by Jung, and that severe stress (burnout) leads to left hemisphere disfunction;

Thanks for the very interesting info Mermaid, have just found this thread.
Is that Jill Bolte Taylor?  There's a great video of her TED talk about her stroke that I just love.
http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html