[Musica]

Sounds right to me ... men (in general) don't use words and verbal communication too well, my H is definitely lacking in that area, however, he is expressing his love in physical ways with me now ... he didn't for a long while, when he was 'in love' with OW which he believes he was ... he reserved his physical love for her.

He always said one of his favourite songs was 'more than words' by Extreme ... he believes actions speak louder than words. As for me, I like both! Words are important, just as the physical expression of love is important too. I love what Riven wrote in his earlier post, I wish my H had said that to me ... that would make any woman melt!

I don't have a son, have two daughters, but to Mums out there with sons, ... could you teach them to express themselves verbally, to express their feelings? Or is it a genetic thing that males generally are not as verbal?? Or peer pressure? Interesting ... and the more I think about it the more I realise that this lack of verbal expression by my H is nothing new, he was always like that!

[Freddygone]

There still seems to be a debate about the different way men and women view sex and infidelity. I would like to put up a statement and see where it goes.
At a certain age a man has a relationship with a woman and looking at the nature part of all this, he sees this woman as the means to pass on his genes. So he wants this woman to be dedicated to him.
This is nature not a conscous thing.
This could explain why some men (not all) are very possessive when the woman who is his partner is raising the family with him. He wants to know he is raising HIS children. This is his EGO.
Women may have a different perspective on the relationship when they are raising children and look for security in all its forms.
I have been alone now without intimacy for 5 years. I worked away during the week to provide a high living standard.
My wife is younger than me by 6 years and takes up with a man 2 years younger than she is.
My wife almost gloated in my face and said, she would not give him up and I should 'go and burn some rubber'. Now what does that mean???
BD was 3 years ago and I have been 'standing' since.
But, next birthday I will be 60. That tends to focus the mind a little.

When I discovered my wife's adultery I was not angry, but felt dispair that she must have been in a place that she felt this was justified. My daughters aged 21 and 24 at the time were devastated and in disbelief, but this affair continues and I have been away for 2 years. It follows all the pattern and script of MLC.

Now ALL the women on this forum are very helpful. I would have been lost without them and the same goes for the support I have had off the forum. It is predominantly femail. Men are not good at this.

There are many lonely women I find and many men who have given up on future relationships for one reason or another.
Last year I met someone who was supporting me and discussing my issues and standing. This moved to a FWB for a while. I had not had sex for about 5 years and did not know if it was even possible so much were my functions asleep. This is a problem for a man as he has to meet some standard.
Never before have I experienced ED, but I did and it scared me to death. I thought it was age, but now I know it was guilt.
That FWB ended gently but it did me the power of good. I felt 30 years younger. That lovely lady was older and wiser than I. 
Recently after such a long time standing I am starting to feel that I don't want my wife back. She is not the person I married.
She used to be truthful but now I can't believe anything and my daughters feel the same. She has moulded in character to the obnoxious OM that none of our wide circle of friends find acceptable.
What future can she have?
I realise that what was acceptable in our marriage at the time was not really good enough and during the 31 year marriage some things I should not have accepted.
We were asleep at the wheel.

Now at this new decade I know what I am looking for and think that possibly my wife can not provide it.
Men do get very emotionally attached with sex and can put emotion aside but in later life you may see ED.
Women get emotionally attached before sex and after, but there may be no physical evidence of emotion being low.

My wife is now pushing through the legal side, although very slowly, so I dont think her heart is in it. But OM is the driving force.
He has never been married or had children. He sees our assets as a goal.
The stress on my wife now shows and the once beauty seems to have lost her shine. How long will their relationship last once the marriage is destroyed and assets divided?
Will sex in their relationship still have its attraction?

I think as we are older the resentment at sex in these situations diminishes and it is the loss of trust that is more a problem if there is a reconcilliation.
After 50 nobody is building families but only long term trust, comfort and care is at risk.
 MLC and non MLC affairs are so destructive, I despair at the stupidity.

I'm looking forward to being 60 in March 2012.

This is my view from my experience but I would like to hear other opinions.

 
 

[justasking]

Rediscover

Both H & OW insisted we were no longer married because he left.

When my D had a frank discussion with her dad and she told him he was having an affair he also said that once he left he didn't feel and wasn't married. OW made sure she didn't allow a PA until he left so she could say she hadn't helped him commit adultery.

I suppose they have to convince themselves of this as part of their justification and to eliminate any guilt post BD. As time moves forward eventually that guilt returns to be addressed.

xx

[Musica]

Yes I think my H too thought that when he wasn't living here, we weren't really married so he could do what he liked ... he still felt the guilt though I know he did. I'm not sure if he feels married now ... even though we are reconnecting, I think he feels we are 'going out' ... its a start.

But as Freddy says, the betrayal for me was not the sex ... that was important, but we'd both had other partners before we met anyway, but it was the trust, the loss of that which really hurt, and it still does ... even though H is back physically, and is not giving me reasons to not trust him. I don't really need reasons any longer to be distrustful ... its gone for now, I think what I do need is positive reassurances from him... and that is where his lack of words is most noticeable.

xxxx

[Foxberry]

I think what Riven said was wonderful......I don't think I'll ever feel like that again with my H....he has taken that away from me.... because for me he was my ONE and only and trust was wrapped up with the ML....

So sad.....H will never know just what he's done to me.....

Fox xx

[willitgetbetter]

Just found this link. Going through this issue now.

[Peony2012]

I wasn't sure if I should post this on my own thread but it seemed to fit the discussion so I'll post it here:

I met a guy a couple of weeks back who ended up staying over at my house. It was the first time in 2 years I let anyone else apart from H stay in my bed. We were intimate but we didn't have sex.

I thought I would just 'go with the flow' and see what would happen - We texted a couple of times and tried to arrange going to a party together and / or out for a drink, for some reason it just didn't happen. I guess some 'higher power' (call it what you like) didn't want us to cross paths again.

still, I am thankful for the experience and don't regret it. it has shown me how much I miss the physical side of things, and that that is a huge part of ME as a person. Something that I had put on a shelf, or in a box and locked away.

I should add, it had nothing to do with my feelings for H. AT ALL. The guy I met knew about the situation I was in.

and although I know many of you won't agree with me (and I don't expect anyone to) I have decided that should I wish to enter into a physical relationship with someone whilst this is still going on with my H, I think I would have to be honest and say, at this point in my journey I probably would. I would have never even considered that a month ago.

I know that this would not be considered as 'standing' anymore although I would probably consider myself standing despite of that. At this point, I would always take my H back, BUT I am not willing to let my life pass me by. (And I don't want to spend another 2 years not being intimate with anyone). I just miss it too much. I don't miss being in a relationship so much, it's the intimacy I miss.

I would never lie to anyone about my situation and I will never hurt anyone deliberately, I would always be honest. But who knows, I might meet someone and decide I want to be with them and leave my marriage behind.

Right now, I don't know what will happen but I don't want to give my life to my Husband anymore, not in the same way anyway.

I love this man with all my heart and I wish nothing more than coming out of this together as a couple but as I don't know the outcome I cannot stop living.

I don't know. It's a really tricky one.
peonyxxx

[Ready2Transform]

and although I know many of you won't agree with me (and I don't expect anyone to) I have decided that should I wish to enter into a physical relationship with someone whilst this is still going on with my H, I think I would have to be honest and say, at this point in my journey I probably would. I would have never even considered that a month ago.

I know that this would not be considered as 'standing' anymore although I would probably consider myself standing despite of that. At this point, I would always take my H back, BUT I am not willing to let my life pass me by. (And I don't want to spend another 2 years not being intimate with anyone). I just miss it too much. I don't miss being in a relationship so much, it's the intimacy I miss.

I see no reason for you to be judged harshly for this.  We have all changed our definitions of marriage because of our spouses' crises in one way or another.  As situations we've never dreamed of come before us, we each have to make the best choices we can for ourselves at any given moment.  In some ways, many of us were pushed into an open marriage we did not want.  Our other choice is the big D.  What is right or wrong in a Stand?  Each Stander has to discover that.  It's easy to decide upfront, but until we face temptation, do we really know?  Our timetables vary, we cycle, and feelings sometimes change.  I think you are being realistic and healthy in not jumping into something, but analyzing your reasoning first.  Whatever you choose will no doubt be the right road for you.

[Anjae]

Peony, I second Ready2. I’ve dated and had a boyfriend since husband left. He left nearly 6 years ago, a lot of life goes on in 6 years. What changed is that, now, I want more than date or a boyfriend. I want to remarryand husband dragging the divorce is on the way of that.

Until a point I was up to readily take husband back so any relationship would have to be light. That has also changed. If I meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, will not turn in down because one day husband may return.

[rediscover]

I got quite a bit of backlash from starting this thread. I'm going to be honest and say that I was physically intimate with someone since starting this thread. I have an emotional attachment to the person and our relationship didn't change because of the intimacy.
I do think my feelings about H changed, but because I gained a better sense of myself. I know what I don't want, and what I will no longer tolerate.
I'm a little weaker in my resolve to stand, to have faith in my broken marriage.
It's because I see my H's actions in a different light and I see myself differently as well.