[Buggy31]

Non engagement and no-contact are making my MLCer mad and monsterish.  Is this typical?  It's scary.  Any advice.  He's flailing like a toddler I suppose.

[ForeverHopefulOne]

Hey Buggy - when I go completely NC, my H gets irritated - not so much monsterish, just irritated that I am not available to him like I was before.   Personally, I think that is their fear coming through when they get that way.  Fear that we are detaching from them and that reality is sinking in.  Don't take it personal; it's not you.

[Still]

Hi Buggy,

Typical? Hmmmm....not sure too much is "typical" in MLC. There are some similarities, but every situation manifests itself it a different way.

My H has never been a monster. So, I can't really relate to this. However, so many MLC'ers love the drama that all of this brings. When you are NC, it may be hard for him to get his drama fix. Just my thoughts.

[covenantkeeper]

buggy31,

I know EXACTLY what you are saying! As soon as I stopped contacting my husband like I had been before, he started acting out towards me. He initiated hateful texts to me. And when we did talk or meet, he was horrible! He began spewing all kinds of vile words towards me, which he had never done before.

I suppose it can be all the crap they are going through themselves and they need someone to vent on. So that means us. It's awful and I don't wish it on anyone.  I just decided to view my h as being mentally handicapped so I wouldn't hate him.

Hang in there. 

[Writingmom]

Monster spews are hard regardless of how they're brought on.  Bless your heart!  It's not easy to receive that, but maybe it's confirmation that NC is the best thing to be doing right now!

I get Monster when I poke.  I would LOVE NC, regardless.  Just hang in there and remember that his words are coming from a dark place that has nothing to do with you. 

[Rollercoasterider]

Monster, drama or pursuit are all normal behaviours--though not from all MLCers--as a reaction to Dark or No Contact. You're no longer his beck-n-call girl and he's not happy.

[HeartsBlessing]

Hey Ladies!

This is all about CONTROLLING a situation..and when the MLC'er doesn't have control..they act out because they are not "getting their way".

That's all that's about.

When a person goes NC or otherwise stops engaging; it confuses the MLC'er at first..then they start "poking" the tiger(as MH calls it, on the MLC'er is poking the LBS tiger) in a backward sort of way.  They will go to ANY extreme to get the LBS to start engaging in order to help them keep feeding their justification for what they are doing.  Plus, it helps them to know where the LBS stands with them.

They poke their heads out, ever so often to see where the LBS is, in regards to where they were the LAST time the MLC'er poked their head out.

They can get quite upset upon NOT finding the LBS where they left them; instead seeing them walking merrily away from the MLC...and they can start throwing their tantrums/fits and hurl insults or whatever it may take to get the LBS to engage them once again; and stop any development the LBS is trying to come forward with...their unfamiliarity, because of various changes within the LBS, can also set the MLC'er off....

When that fails, this can go either way; they either move forward, or run further away...you don't have control over what they will do...so you must do what's best for YOU.

BUT, if you go backwards; time is added and you'll both "cycle" back to where the mistake was made; regardless of WHO made the mistake to try once more to get past it.

I'd "cycled" a few times with him, before I realized this.  I'd allow my stress to open my trap; and off we'd go, in another cycle.

Once I started changing I could NOT stop what I was doing...and I saw my husband go to some serious extremes to try to get me to "backslide" back into what I'd been before...the unfamiliarity was eating him alive, and I could see that.

The calmer I was, the worse he became; but I held on firmly; refusing to go back to what I'd been.

He then had two choices, come forward in a positive way or walk away.............I saw him start coming forward in response to my changes..HIS CHOICE.

After that, it was STILL trial and error...I'd open my mouth some times at the WRONG times, and we'd both slide backwards into the abyss, to crawl back up once again..BACK to the SAME PLACE we'd been when I made the "mouthing off" mistake.

I wouldn't always "see" his mistakes..but I knew when they happened...as I'd slide right back off with him once again.

Sometimes, it was him and sometimes it was ME..but we did make it through...and I can laugh now about the stupid things we BOTH did while working our way through.

[Buggy31]

I'm starting to get why detachment is so important here.  They are determined to keep this energy going.  I feel the energy of it.  Even with NC/severe dark I feel his energy.  I feel him cycling between depression/anger.  This makes my stance of NC so important for myself as I don't feel strongly enough detached yet to not engage.  This is my goal, to gain my strength so I can return to him detached and able to not engage.  I haven't set a limit just following my intuition here.  My intuition has been essential in this process.  One of my favorite things to do is ask the question "How should I respond here?"  Then I give it time and a short, wise and non-dramatic response shows up.  If I were to think to much or react right away I would definitely engage.  I've also started to visualize myself listening to him and validating rather than trying to fix.  We'll see how things go.

[kikki]

I have a question about MONSTER.
It's now 19mths post BD.

For the first 10 months or so, I was the unlucky recipient of my H's monstrous enraged verbal behaviour.  In the early days this was unpredictable, but in later months, it was only after I prodded him about something.

Things settled down for quite a few months.  I said in ?march that I would inform an older work colleague of his actions if he spewed at me again.  And I meant it.  He hasn't once blamed me for his behaviours since then.

Now that over time I've detached more and more - I am wondering if he's panicking about this, and he's pursuing me.  As I either walk away or refuse to take the bait (mostly) he seems to get more and more desperate and anxious.  He then ends up phoning me - starts out all charming and then manipulative spew comes out.  He isn't yelling, but it's selfish and non empathetic and designed to control me and 'put me down'.

I also see charming, manipulative monster as well.  All designed to get whatever it is that he wants at the time.  I am on high alert now, after being sucked in the first few times it appeared about six months in to the crisis.

My question is - what are others experience of monster?  Does monster come and go with various stages in the crisis?
Can I assume that he is feeling more out of control again now?
Thanks, looking forward to your insights

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Hi Kikki,

I am at 7 months post BD.  My H's monster came out I'd say about concurrently with BD.
It will go away every little bit, like in late May when out of the blue he brought me home a pot of yellow mums.  And then in July, when he spewed venom at me one night, then the next day texted to basically say disregard what I said last night.  In August, he told me he wanted to separate, then the next day he said something like just forget it.  I am reeling from the latest development: this past Sunday, he said he doesn't want to move out after all.  This is after weeks, maybe a month of full-blown monster.  I don't think it's going to last, so I am trying to remain detached and getting my own life until monster is back and telling me once again how horrible our life together has been and he's leaving.