Hello HeartsBlessings ...
We are not yet acquainted, yet your notable good reputation is known far and wide.
In this regard, I seek your feedback on a concept that his been bothering me ever since I joined LT, with this conundrum continuing here on HS. It is this ...
It would seem to me that many, if not the large majority of R examples I've seen have occurred with in-home MLC'ers. Regardless of their severity, for some reason they do not seem capable (emotionally, financially, whatever) to leave.
The next demographic group I've observed to have had R success is by far women LBS's whose H's have moved out, mostly never filed or completed their D, and after sometimes years, reconnection, then rebuilding, and finally R occurs. I've yet to see any significant evidence of long term abandonment by women MLC'ers resulting in R with LBS H's; especially once the D is finalized.
Now there has been debate and speculation that men tend to move on more quickly. Some speculate they are not as often burdened by the lion's share child custody. Others speculate that men are really more committed to the R, while women tend to emotionally attach to the next OM and are less likely to turn back. Many also say that the LBS men have simply moved on to a new women, thus closing the chance for R. Finally, they say the majority of posters tend to be LBS women, and therefore the R success stories are skewed due to the over proportionate representation on sites like this. Probably all are correct.
Here's my dilemma, and all due respect in that I've only been at this 13 months since BD ... If the chances for LBS men that have been abandoned by their W's has the worst chance of R, then this knowledge is important for many of us in deciding in what manner to move on with our lives (standing, file and complete D, ultimately find a new person and start a new life).
Again, duly respectful, your experiences and many other sages in your position seemed skewed by your experiences with an in-home MLC'er. Believe me, having them move out and move on has a different taste and feel of finality to it. And it is very hard to ignore past a year, let alone 2, 3, or 4 years. Particularly when paired with inexcusable replay behavior.
In my position, I've got custody of the children. Our D is delayed for business reasons, but should be completed later this year. Since she has been generally very kind and easy to get along with, I've take a wait and see attitude until the D is done, particularly as I don't want to rock the boat in an already disadvantageous position as the primary wage earner with a +20 year SAHM. Very bad position to be in financially. However, I do want to be realistic about my odds of success and this will factor heavily in how I detach, and how will be my vision of my future (dating, etc.). I have no religious doctrine to adhere to regarding marriage. No covenant for life concept coloring my vision. I simply loved my W, but must know when to let that go forever. Maybe that time is now. Maybe not.
Ultimately, I've always said I'd consider a R overture from my W at any point (sooner or much, much later), if I am still available. If not, then not. I will not close the door all the way, unless the OM situation becomes in some way intolerable.
So, to summarize ... in-home woman MLC'er v. long term runway woman MLCer? My guess is that the odds of success are seriously stacked against the latter.
Thanks for listening and caring for us orphan boys from LT.
Peace to you HB. 
Rider
Hello Rider,
I don't work with actual percentages, as I've never taken the demographics of each and scaled them down...but I'll be more than happy to give you what I do know in the way of knowledge and understanding.
Ok, the possibilities of this are pretty much endless, and scale both sides of the gender coin....I can give you those, but considering what I'm about to say next will tell you why I cannot give you percentages, or statistics....MLC is too much of an uncertainty to graph that accurately; and I gave up that idea long ago.
Some of these case scenarios, will come on through and resolve, some won't...again, it's an individual choice in each case for each person.
And TIME plays it's part, as well; I've read, watched and heard all of kinds of different types of cases over the years...some MLC cases, I'm STILL observing have been ongoing as long as 10 years or longer; but the LBS in question is still waiting for an affair to run its' course, or for the MLC'er "wake up".
Here's what I can remember off the top of my head:
1. MLCers who decide to go on and marry their affair partner, becoming stuck in Replay for most of, if not all of their lives. This can happen because OW/OM pressures them to, OR because the MLC'er thinks they cannot return in any form....self punishment in some ways....but regardless, this is a possibility.
2. MLC'ers who decide to walk away and never return for whatever reason they choose it to be, whether justified or unjustified in their own eyes. The LBS may or may not know what happens to them afterward.
3. MLC'ers regardless if they stay at home OR move out that decide to return, finish their crisis, the LBS finishes their journey, and both learn to settle down into a more successful marriage than before the crisis happened(this is the MOST desirable outcome)
4. MLC'ers who "bargain" with the LBS to just forget what happened(generally happens just after the affair/Replay, or when the going gets too rough for THEM), and attempt to bury the whole thing, just to have it resurrect again after 3 to 5 years; and it could result in a divorce happening because the LBS is NOT going to do this again....
5. MLCer's AND LBS' who successfully fight off the first crisis, only to find themselves in a SECOND one; doing it ALL again right from the beginning...not to be confused with number 4..there ARE differences
On the LBS side:
6. LBS who decides NOT to accept their MLC spouse's decision to leave, and stays "stuck", never moving ahead, nor forward with their lives, and when enough time passes, they MIGHT wake up..(I've KNOWN a few of these in the past)
7. MLC'er decides to try and return after a LONG period of time, but LBS decides NOT to try again with them; because the LBS' feelings has changed and as a result, the MLC'er gets to go through what they put the LBS through...Karma at work here; and hope has gone, right along with the LBS' love.
8. LBS decides to file for a divorce, go on with someone else, and remarry; also related to not wanting to try again with the MLC'er
9. The damage becomes too much for the LBS to handle, and they stop their stand; firmly closing the door on reconciliation of ANY kind. They might tell the MLC'er and they might not...this is a personal decision on their part.
10. Always remember to prepare for the worse and hope for the best; and never discount the true power of God in your marriage and lives...(I include this one; because I don't care WHO you are, NO ONE but the Lord is in control of every situation.)
Well, I see, DGU, has already written from RCR's articles, and you might also benefit from that as well..her views and mine don't always match, BUT it's always good to have various points of view.
Anyhow, considering the possibilities are actually pretty much the same on BOTH sides of the coin, the outcome seems just as uncertain whether you've a stay at home MLC, as it is if you've a MLC'er who has moved out, regardless if it's male or female, one that has totally disappeared, or one that has constant contact with the LBS.
I have worked with BOTH sides of the coin over the years, and I haven't seen that much of a difference; as the journey itself doesn't have or contain that many variations.
Time has been one of the most important factors in quite a few of these situations; it SEEMS the longer they stay gone, the less likely they may return; but then again, one can only speculate, as I know you're asking me to do, here.
I've also said a few times before that if you ask them to leave, it lessens the chance they may return, but if they leave on their own, they are more likely to return on their own, considering the aspect of responsibility taken.
Granted, there ARE differences in men and women, and while I will also admit that I didn't have the experience of going through a divorce, I have been asked my opinion on filing vs them filing, and the possibilities from that quarter, as well.
I know from having watched and observed that the ones who run and get a divorce what seems to be in the early days are 'driven' hard by the pain within that drives their actions...they seem to think to divorce will stop their pain, but it won't...and in time, they will see this for themselves.
There again, some will return, some won't; it all depends upon THEM, their issues, what they are facing, etc...
You are honestly better off to learn total detachment and distance yourself from the situation your wife is in; and begin, if not already, to learn more about yourself, and what you would want to do.
As you grow further within yourself, you'll begin to know more of what YOU want..this is what the journey to wholeness and healing is all about.
MLC is a process that takes time, and lots of it, to resolve; and I think somewhere within yourself, you know what your wife is capable of, in spite of the fact that she's going through a MLC.
I would be completely remiss if I didn't bring up what some men will and have done in the past to stack the deck more in their favor.....I actually saw several men who made certain their wives "failed" in their endeavors to live on their own..which, honestly is one the aspects we must ALL learn to do during our own journeys.
The men allowed their fear of losing their wives to drive them to the point of making sure they returned much earlier to them than they probably would have, otherwise; instead of allowing them to figure out various aspects on their own..
Conversely, I have also seen men who actually 'enabled' their wives to continue by giving them money, instead of letting them stand or fall on their own....
So, these situations were either guilty of giving too much or too little...instead of just remaining neutral, and allowing the chips to fall where they were going to.
Sir, I cannot even pretend to even advise you or even speculate on statistics in regards to how your wife would fall in a statistical level within your own situation.
All I do know is that when your wife put you upon this path that was NOT of your own making, she did make it all about you, just as the crisis is all about her.
Whether you choose to stand for awhile after your divorce is finalized(if it gets that far) is completely up to you; but understand something I have seen more than once. Make sure your own journey is done and finished within yourself so that you can take the tools you gain into a new relationship if it should come to that.
I say this because if you don't do the mirror work required of you, you will go through this again with someone else...you see, if you do the necessary work, and take the journey spoken of, you will make a much better choice of partner the next time around if you choose to this path to take.
Even if you don't take the journey, and try to bypass it and go on to attempt reconciliation with your wife, and she doesn't do the same kind of work, it won't last, and BOTH of you will be in for ANOTHER BOUT of crisis to come, and it will pick right up where it left off before the two of you tried to reconcile.
The crisis will NOT be denied it's just due; and it WILL complete or NOT complete within the both of you, whether with each other, or with someone else.
You can stop your stand for the marriage at any time you like; this is something even I always knew when it was me going through.
Space and Time are needed for the MLC spouse to navigate through their journey; and no one knows except God how the outcome will go, the only guarantee you will ever have will be the work you do within YOU, that will begin the process of change within, not just your MLC spouse, but others who have related to you before.
It sounds like I'm not answering your questions, but I am, just not in the ways you expected.
It's been awhile since I was asked about percentages, etc.; and the crisis is not something that can be accurately "mapped" from that or any other aspect, as I have found within my studies over the years.
I never really saw any real "leadings" or clear evidence into what would bring about a greater possibility of return or walk aways, regardless of gender.
I just saw again and again, two consistent aspects that remained the same, regardless; FIRST, the Power of an Almighty God who knows more than I do, and SECOND; the vast differences in people that made predicting an outcome, or lack of outcome completely impossible.
The whole navigation through depends upon the INDIVIDUAL PERSON going through, not outside factors.
Sorry, Rider, I know I'm not of any more help, but thanks for the question; I have NEVER been able to answer that one to ANYONE's satisfaction.
Now, I must go and eat some dinner.
Take care,
HB
LifeTwo - Help! My wife is having a mid-life crisis - Advice please
Author
Topic: