[kikki]

LOL - Mr Popkins!!!    Now that was beautifully explained Mama - that would be it to a 'T'

Imagine having to try to explain that one to the OW 

[stayed]

Stayed - do you mind me asking - does your H have periods now where he feels low?  Does he acknowledge it and is he able to deal with it differently now?

No, not particularly.  My h has always been a bit of a "drama queen".  You would NEVER guess it, if you met him.  NOW, we laugh about it a lot but I have to tell you, before his crisis, he would become very upset if I teased him about it in any way.  Since his return, he will come in being all dramatic and then start to laugh, as I give him my look of "oh here comes my drama queen"... and we are both laughing our asses off. 

It does seem to be something that I have best to address the instant I see it though.  It can build in intensity, if I do not catch it immediately.  Almost an "attention" getting behaviour. 

hugs Stayed

[stayed]

Mamma Bear... you kill me!  Mr. Popkins!  Actually Kikki, I was astounded at how many of the men who were cheating on my other site, that ED.  So many of them were on Viagra or the equivalent.  As a matter of fact, that is how a couple of the men got caught by their wives, because a few "TABLET" were missing.  Apparently, those pills are extremely expensive, so the pills are closely monitored. 

[ziggee]

  KiKi, You know that old joke about guys not wanting to stop and ask directions....
  A lot of men think medication is a sign of weakness. They want to be in control and not need anything like that for them.    Also many ads for antidepressants etc warn of ED side effects. Last thing an MLCer wants to do is 'appear weak' or in 'need of help' or Heaven forbid Mr.Popkins isn't working.

While I am perfectly happy to stop for directions.... accept I am actually never lost...   Medication seems to be a whole other can of worms.  I seem determined to conquer my own mind with my own logic and brain.  It was suggested to me early after BD that I might want to consider some mild anxiety pills... I was determined to deal with it through though.  Right now I am glad I did... for the most part I do pretty good... sleep well most nights.  If I had gotten a prescription for some kind of pill... I would probably still be taking them... never figuring out how to cope properly.  Flip side though..  I wonder if things had gotten worse... if I would still be trying to conquer my noddle.

Z.

[kikki]

LOL Stayed - I would never have guessed that - your H always comes across as the cool, calm and collected Military man.  Good in a 'crisis' and all that 

That astounds me the cheaters with ED.  It's all a little 'He doth protest too much!'  They're all trying toooo hard to make themselves feel better - 

Ziggee - you're doing well though - I wish I had filmed my H at his anxious replay monstery worst!  The man could have done with something - maybe a straight jacket and a trip in a van

[stayed]

LOL Stayed - I would never have guessed that - your H always comes across as the cool, calm and collected Military man.  Good in a 'crisis' and all that 

Hence, the reason he didn't find it funny.  He was very much the proper military man, he would never have admitted he showed any emotion let alone admit he was a "drama Queen", hehehe. Now, he doesn't care.  I think he bottled a lot of his insecurities up real tightly, which I think made him much more insecure.  Weird eh. 

I guess after everything he has been through, being a drama queen is nothing on the grand scale of things.  Just a "male" ego thing, that really is of no consequence.  The funny thing is, he has become less and less dramatic.

It is not like he was girlish or anything.  Kicking his feet etc.  His drama was very low key, heavy sighs, unhappy face, tossing his head back and closing his eyes.  You know, melancholy type of drama, drove me crazy.  If I didn't ask, "is there anything wrong?" he would be annoyed, but when I did, he would say, "oh nothing!"  He would make me work to get him to tell me.  Silly me, I would play his game.  Now, I would still ask him if he was ok, but if he said nothing, I'd say... ok.  End of discussion.  I guess there is no point in be a drama queen if you don't get the desired reaction. hehehe.

hugs Stayed

[Chrysalis]

Interesting what you said about your H having an ear infection Stayed.  My ex got labyrinthitis or something similar (the consultants never got to the bottom of it), eight years ago just after we moved into the house that I have now bought him out of!  He lost all his confidence, became very depressed (for which he took ADs - but I was the only person who knew about them as it's not macho to be depressed) and was off work for five months. 

He had another couple of bouts of depression over the next few years - seemingly caused by physical illness.  He was still on ADs at the time of BD.  Strangely, I had just started the menopause.    OW is 60 on Sunday and has already been through all that.  He apparently stopped taking the ADs after he moved in with OW as he didn't think he needed them anymore but started them again six months later.  Don't know if he is still taking them or not but they don't seem to have worked too well...

C

[xyzcf]

Special K...(((HUGS))))...those counselling sessions can be rough and mine also didn't get MLC..I saw herfor 18 months but all I ever talked about was him..perhaps had I focused on some of my own journey I would be a bit further along than I am. To her credit she did try twice and I shut her down...THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME  I yelled. Well perhaps not, but the time and money might have been better spent working out some of my own issues.

And then I found this place and the people here who got it..I wasn't crazy...my husband had disappeared.....which is why I wanted to post to you Special K.

It doesn't matter how far they run to...mine is in Brazil, was in Hong Kong before that and I hear they are looking for someone to go to South Africa...well he'll probably take that because truly, unless he goes to the moon that's about as far away as he can get from me.

Yet, I question (when I'm not having my moments that this is not MLC)...why does he keep the contact..it is minimal yes, but rather unnecessary as our daughter is grown, the legal stuff is done, the assets are divided and we have not lived together in 31 months.....I used to think he just wants to be a nice guy, my friend......I do know that running away as far as he has (and others have had similar experiences) is not the solution to his problems. It may actually prolong it..for his "drug" is the challenge of work and if he can bury himself in it..then he doesn't have to look inside does he?

I on the other hand have looked inside way too much....but I was looking inside for him....not for myself.....if I ever start to exert the energy I have spent worrying about him into my own development...watch out.

All I can say, again, I never thought I would feel any joy again..I never thought I'd get off the floor in the "puddle of tears" as stayed as gently put it......I want, I desperately want especially newbies reading this to know...If I could find this place anyone can...I did not believe I could but I know differently now.

Other wise ones tried to impart that knowledge to me but I wasn't ready.....once I faced the beast, once the impossible had occurred I started to realize...it isn't in my control anyway.

I have always loved HB's comment...let them twist in the wind and crack their heads...indeed!

[kikki]

His drama was very low key, heavy sighs, unhappy face, tossing his head back and closing his eyes.  You know, melancholy type of drama, drove me crazy.  If I didn't ask, "is there anything wrong?" he would be annoyed, but when I did, he would say, "oh nothing!"  He would make me work to get him to tell me.  Silly me, I would play his game.  Now, I would still ask him if he was ok, but if he said nothing, I'd say... ok.  End of discussion.  I guess there is no point in be a drama queen if you don't get the desired reaction. hehehe.

Oh the melancholic drama queen!  Yes of course - makes sense. 

Love your new approach 'ok' end of discussion 

[stayed]

I on the other hand have looked inside way too much....but I was looking inside for him....not for myself.....if I ever start to exert the energy I have spent worrying about him into my own development...watch out.

This is an AMAZING statement and so, so, so, so, did I say, SOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE!  Everybody, stop focusing on your MLCer.  If he /she returns, after you are totally and completely healed (because now that is the only condition in which you should take back your delinquent spouse), then you can give SOME (and I mean, only some) of that attention to him/her. 

We are givers.  For some reason, every single LBS I have met is a GIVER.  We can't STAND to see others hurting, "twisting in the wind" as HB is fond of saying.  We hate it so much, we will almost allow ourselves to be DESTROYED before we would / could forsake a person in that place, especially our dearly loved spouses.  Our loyalty is unlimited.  We seem to epitomize the UNCONDITIONAL love scenario.  SO, backing off, "letting them twist in the wind", is one of the hardest things we will ever do.

Still we can do it.  I can't stand discontent (no snickering, I really do thrive on harmony  ).  The strange thing I discovered, my life, my children's life, even my MLCers life, became much more HARMONIOUS, once I let him "twist away" and got on with enjoying my life. 

hugs Stayed