[stayed]

Sassy is so right.  Especially this part:

take bits and pieces from him/her.  It is the same for this forum.  Everyone's sitch is similar yet very different.  Read and take bits and pieces from everyone.  It isn't all black and white on this journey, but shades of grey.  Trust your instinct.

We are not the holy grail, we are just like you, a hurt LBS.  All in different stages, right through to reconciliated but we do not know your situation.  Only you know how best to proceed.  So take what you want and throw away the rest... or leave for one of those occasions when you need A CHANGE UP! 

Hugs Stayed

[SpecialK]

Thank you so much and for the good advice (I'm trying not to cry).  It is and I've got a banging headache to go with it    I have had councelling in the past, but it's not had the effect yesterday has had on me.  I been at this for almost 2 years, but only really just starting my journey.  Time - yes I need to be reminded about, because it's only now I appreciate it.

When I've mentioned anything about my ex looking tired, exhausted, sad etc., my councellor told me that was probably my assumption and looking at him with rose coloured glasses.  I understand what he's trying to do and that the focus is on me not him.

Whilst I'm om the subject of letting go, OW etc., there is something else I want to put out there, which is floating around in my head but putting on here will enable me to lay it to rest.  I'm sorry if you've read it before and some of you may find it boring:

As some of you know I've struggled with tarot, to the point it has become an addiction (this is something I'm addressing in Councelling).  When I found out that my ex had found someone new he was serious about, I turned back to tarot and in the space of two weeks I had seven telephone readings and this is some of things they told me:

Four said that OW would never last and he would try and come back to me.  Three of them told me I would be moving.  One told me he wouldn't sell.  Another told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me.  Three of them talked about how muddled he was, that OW was a smoked screen, that he was lost and had a lot of issues he needed to address, but only he could do it, maybe he never would.  One of them told me that I was the one he really loved, felt comfortable with but there was a very slim chance he would come back to me.  One also told me I would meet someone very quick, he would want to come back but it would too late and I would be handing the keys back.

Now that feels like something has shifted by sharing this.  I apologise for those of you who have heard it before, but thank you for taking time to read it.

I would like to say thank so much for all your help, advice, support and guidance.  For sharing your views on a subject that brings up a lot of emotion.  For being there.

Big hugs everyone


SKxxxx

[BonBon]

SpecialK...you know what's wierd?  The Tarot people sound like they "get" MLC more than your counselor does.  How strange they described the fog and so forth.

I agree with what Stayed and Sassy advised...do the bits and pieces with your counselor..and here too....everyone has different situations and mindsets so just like you're at a salad bar, take what you want, leave the rest.  You're going to be fine.

BTW, INThis...Mamma is right on...you're talking accountability....someday InThis...someday...

Hugs,
Bon

[SpecialK]

Lol - very true BonBon  , one in particular (the one who said it was a very slim chance he would come back - isn't that also MLC?) described it accurately, I honestly didn't say anything.

The advice given by Stayed and Sassy is excellent and I'll apply the salad bar theory to it - love it!

SK xxxx

[Mac49]

I thought I would offer a perspective although not quite on topic

My X and I have been doing "communication" sessions to assist in dealing with our three children. One of the exercises the counselor proposed was to say "Good bye", identify to the other party what you got from the marriage and what you didn't and to use the "goodbye" as closure on the past. My X indicated she received  "safety & security" from marriage, my response was that I enjoyed her very positive energy and noted the affect that it had when it was removed form our marriage. The ashen look on her face was priceless when the counselor asked her if I had ever removed the "safety & security". Truth darts do sting occasionally.

Mac

P.S. I'm a believer that focusing on the OP's relationships with the MLC'r inhibits the LBS.

[stayed]

P.S. I'm a believer that focusing on the OP's relationships with the MLC'r inhibits the LBS.

I would love to take some counseling like this Mac.  That seems like it could be really helpful. 

About your P.S., I am with you 100% about focusing on the OP's relationship with our MLC'r, I found it took over my recovery.  I was comparing myself to her, worrying that I was not as attractive to him and desirable... it sucked away my energy, mostly my positive energy and made me feel like our efforts were all in vain.  How could I possibly COMPETE with NEW, EXCITING etc. 

Heck that was even before we tried to reconcile.  I found her presence in our marriage afterward, totally destructive and it was me that had PUT HER THERE. 

Nasty, just nasty!  Get him/her out of your head... they WIN when you give them residency.

hugs Stayed

[SpecialK]

 I was comparing myself to her, worrying that I was not as attractive to him and desirable... it sucked away my energy, mostly my positive energy and made me feel like our efforts were all in vain.  How could I possibly COMPETE with NEW, EXCITING etc.

That's exactly what I've been doing!

SK xxx

[BonBon]

SK,
Compete with the MLC-monster whose taken over your husband...don't compete with the ridiculous OW...they are just pathetic little souls, not worthy of our time!

[stayed]

It's a pretty natural, normal reaction SpecialK.  We are just mere humans! 

  Welcome to the club of Zero self confidence/self esteem.  Good part, we can rebuild!   

hugs Stayed

[Sassyone]

It is a normal reaction SpecialK.  I did it and still occasionally do it.  Don't let that person (who by the way was using your H and being used by your H) take up precious space in your brain.  They are nobody and frankly are just as lost as the MLC'er.  It is not a relationship and it is not fun and games.  There is a lot of turmoil in those unions, how could there not be. 

Here are a few things that worked for me to STOP thinking about her and my H.  A rubberband on my wrist.  I snapped it hard everytime I would wander down that path.  Visualizing a stop sign.  Frankly shaking my head in disgust and shaking the thought out of my head.  I found the more I talked about it to other people LBS'ers, counselors the more I focused on it.

She is nothing but a symptom.  A symptom of a disease, cold, however you want to look at it.  Here imagine her as mucous.  Eww that's a nice visual.

We have all compared ourselves to the OW.  Their union has nothing to do with beauty, sex, and only has to do with attention and the chemical rush that they get.  Frankly most of them are affair downs. My H has told me since OW is out of the picture that he, at that time, didn't care who paid attention to him.  It could have been anyone, he didn't care.

I know you have probably heard this before, but it is something that took a while for me to really process.  Your H is the exact opposite of what you knew.  Thus, he attracts the exact opposite.  Think about it, they are two needy, lost, pathetic, lonely, depressed, addicted (I could go on) people enjoying each other!  I think NOT!  Maybe the first few weeks/months but it goes down hill quickly.  Think high school relationship gone bad (the thought of being in one of those again sends shivers down my spine!)

Focus on yourself.  Find what you love about you.   If you don't know, figure it out.  Make time for yourself.  For example, I had and still do have a low self-esteem and social anxiety disorder. I was extremely codependent on H.  I forced myself out of my comfort zone.  I go to the gym alone, run alone, hike alone (oh, OK, I do take my horse/dog with me sometimes   I have made friends without my H, gone out to dinner, drinks, socialized without my H.  I applied for jobs and got jobs that I didn't think I would be qualified for.  I took risks and wasn't the shy, I will take the safe path girl.  I did a 180 on the things that I always wanted to improve about myself.  As I get stronger, I focus less and less on OW.

Your sitch is obviously not the same, but I give you these examples, because the pain of obsessing about this vile, lost, person is not fun and only you can control you and your thoughts (another hard lesson to learn). 

I guess what I am trying to say and what took me a long time to learn was focus less on OW and MLC'er and more on you.  A strong you gets to drive and gets to make choices.  Use this time to build up you.

Hugs,

Sassy