[Returned]

Hi Specialk,
I have a question regarding your councilor. You say that this person doesn't understand MLC, and it sounds like they want you to move on, and give up your stand.

Is this what you want? I remember I went to counseling 9 years ago with someone who pretty much insisted that I should dump my husband and move on. While I appreciated her sympathy for my marital problems, eventually I realized this was not what I wanted to do and I stopped seeing her. She was pushing very hard.

If you feel that you want to stand I think it would be helpful to find someone who supports your position. I know that is hard to find, that is why we are all here, to support each other. Good luck.

[stayed]

Sorry for the hijack SpecialK but I have a question for Leftalone.  You said you went to counseling 9 years ago.  Is that when your h's MLC started? 

My h and I went to a marriage counselor about 7 years before he finally went over to the dark side, completely.  He was so moody, confrontational, verbally aggressive(especially with bosses etc).  We went to counseling and he made a complete idiot out of me.  Sat there all calm and looked at the counselor like (she's been so EMOTIONAL LATELY.. rolling his eyes etc.) the counselor totally bought it. Absolutely no empathy for my obvious distress, as I knew something was happening to my husband.  It was horrible. 

We just plain stopped going. 

Sorry SpecialK, trust us honey, you are not doing anything WE didn't do.  Wasn't the right thing when we did it either but trying to stop OBSESSING about the OP was really hard.

hugs Stayed

[Returned]

9 years ago my husband was verbally abusive and we separated for about 10 months. I just couldn't handle it any more. He moved into an apartment a few blocks away, and immediately he regretted, and eventually I let him move back in with us.

I went to counseling for myself, (we attempted couples, but that didn't work out), but my counselor felt very strongly I should dump him. I didn't but I still remember her warning me, "As soon as you hit menopause he will leave you." She was right on that one, I have no idea how she knew.

[kikki]

My h and I went to a marriage counselor about 7 years before he finally went over to the dark side, completely.  He was so moody, confrontational, verbally aggressive(especially with bosses etc).  We went to counseling and he made a complete idiot out of me.  Sat there all calm and looked at the counselor like (she's been so EMOTIONAL LATELY.. rolling his eyes etc.) the counselor totally bought it. Absolutely no empathy for my obvious distress, as I knew something was happening to my husband.  It was horrible. 

My H also did this about 7 years prior to going off the rails completely.  He seemed to settle down a lot in between times, only to build up again into the lovely crescendo of two years ago.
Do you think these MLCers were always prone to depression, or do you think it was an earlier, milder bout of crisis?  or both? 

[kikki]

I went to counseling for myself, (we attempted couples, but that didn't work out), but my counselor felt very strongly I should dump him. I didn't but I still remember her warning me, "As soon as you hit menopause he will leave you." She was right on that one, I have no idea how she knew.

Your counsellor had probably seen this pattern and put two and two together.  We'd call it MLC, she might call it something else??

[Returned]

In retrospect I can say my husbands MLC started about two years ago,although I didn't recognize it,  bomb drop and abandonment was three months ago. So this episode was long before. However it was kind of eery when I got my first hot flash the day of bomb drop, just as the counselor had predicted.

[stayed]

Ok, so it wasn't the beginning of MLC then.  I thought, it might have been like my h.  We had just completed 2 years in Blacksburg, Virginia, while my h did a couple of masters degrees.  He loved being a student.  Gradually over the next 3 or 4 years, he became a person I hardly recognized. 

This was partly due to my "change" as well.  I thought I was handling it so well, but according to the kids after the fact, I was one weird lady hehe.  I can only assume that with me going through the change and my h beginning his crisis, we were a recipe for disaster. 

I think it was the onset of his crisis Kikki.  Yes, I believe our spouses were prone to depression.  I suspect, they were very afraid of it too... not sure why, just some comments my h made, many years before this happened.  He had an inner ear infection.  He couldn't stop throwing up, everything was spinning and spinning.  It took several doses of Gravol suppositories and immobilizing his head and body movement, to stop the vomiting.  He was hospitalized for 3 days.

He told me afterwards, he thought he was having a NERVOUS breakdown.  I could tell just by the way he said it, it was like his greatest fear.  Never ever divulged why he thought that or why he was afraid of it.

I tend to think they know.  Probably way out of line on this one, just a funny feeling I have about it. 

hugs and thanks for answering my questions... Stayed

[stayed]

That's totally freaky Leftalone!  eweeeeeeeee... hugs Stayed

[kikki]

I think it was the onset of his crisis Kikki.  Yes, I believe our spouses were prone to depression.  I suspect, they were very afraid of it too... not sure why, just some comments my h made, many years before this happened.  He had an inner ear infection.  He couldn't stop throwing up, everything was spinning and spinning.  It took several doses of Gravol suppositories and immobilizing his head and body movement, to stop the vomiting.  He was hospitalized for 3 days.

He told me afterwards, he thought he was having a NERVOUS breakdown.  I could tell just by the way he said it, it was like his greatest fear.  Never ever divulged why he thought that or why he was afraid of it.

I tend to think they know.  Probably way out of line on this one, just a funny feeling I have about it. 

Now that's interesting - that is also my thinking.

My H also was absolutely petrified of being mentally unwell.  All throughout that first year post BD, he would monster at me 'there's nothing wrong with me - I'm not going to take medication!!!!!'
Believe me - no one was suggesting medication in the first few months, but they certainly did in latter months.  He is PETRIFIED about medication too for some reason?
I wonder if there are things that they have seen/experienced or know about in their FOO that they are not letting on about - and think that they might be tipping into whatever crazy relative they may have observed??
I think they know as well - but they think denying the whole thing is going to continue to work for them. Great!!!

Stayed - do you mind me asking - does your H have periods now where he feels low?  Does he acknowledge it and is he able to deal with it differently now?

[Mamma Bear]

  KiKi, You know that old joke about guys not wanting to stop and ask directions....
  A lot of men think medication is a sign of weakness. They want to be in control and not need anything like that for them.    Also many ads for antidepressants etc warn of ED side effects. Last thing an MLCer wants to do is 'appear weak' or in 'need of help' or Heaven forbid Mr.Popkins isn't working.