[hobo1]

HB - So basically transition and crisis is pretty much the same, and it's the actions that make it into a crisis?

So when you were going through your transition, did you stop loving your H, like you said he had 'lost' his love for you?
My STBX just doesn't feel the love for me anymore...  she just said she can't force her feelings...  either you love or you don't, and she doesn't and feels the need to D.

Thanks for your continued responses.

[Rollercoasterider]

I have to say that one thing that has really been bothering is going through this process without resolving my issues, after reading on here from others that we need to fix or heal within ourselves. How do we know we have healed enough to move on? I feel that we are constantly working on ourselves and I do not think that it stops. ...I have worked on things that I needed to do for my wife or me. I do not feel a whole lot different than I did, I felt I was always a good man with a few flaws.

Thank you for your posts, HB. But, other than the aspect of not focusing on your spouse I see little point in putting any extra effort into working on yourself if you were okay with you to begin with.

Do you really feel this way? Believe this way? Actually, I think that you do. That is really sad and too bad. Read through your posts, my friend. It seems to me that you are ruled by your emotions....allowing the crisis of another person (your wife) to bring you down, up and sideways. (I see this, as this is how I was......and could still be if I allowed it). I write this with no disrespect towards you.....as I truly would like you to be able to see yourself as others do.
…

Thundaar, I recommend you save that post of Limitless’ and re-read it on a regular basis. To be honest, I felt the same way as she did to your comment. I think you really do believe that way and that it’s sad.

I knew I had Mirror-Work to do, but HopingFourBetter, I didn’t know what it was either. Often it’s not something specific or even tangible and maybe we won’t even notice as we change. I am still who I was before the crisis. And maybe what someone needs to work on is more obvious to others than it is to Self.

There were basic things like making dinner and sitting together at the table to eat. I changed that within a week of Bomb Drop. I’d started getting in shape and had already lost 20lbs by Bomb Drop and after I started the Stander’s Diet and I lost 35lbs in 6 weeks without even trying—I don’t recommend it. I knew Sweetheart had felt neglected and I knew I needed to come out of my writer’s solitude a bit more and participate in life with him. But even that was not internal Mirror-Work, it was external relationship work.

Maybe it was just answering and embracing a new calling in my life—and doing that sparked new growth organically. I am changed and yet still the person I was before Bomb Drop. I still have to consciously make myself leave the office and my writer’s solitude to be with Sweetheart. He still plans the activities and prepares and I pretty much go, but I don’t do much preparation work. He preps the skis or bikes and gets the gear; I might prep the camel-backs or make a lunch.

The Mirror-Work is not about your relationship and how you interact with others, but it will change how you interact as you change inside; changes in relationships are a byproduct of internal changes.

Mirror Work is not about fixing. Many of you are focused on flaws and fixing and since you think you have few flaws, you are puzzled. You like yourself. So what? Does that mean you should stop learning and growing? Your body is changing; maybe there are new things you should learn simply about aging, being a parent of teenagers or college students or a parent of new parents. Life moves forward. Should your physician stop reading The New England Journal of Medicine because his flaws are slight?

Self-Focus is not about correcting and fixing all the things wrong with you. It’s about focusing on your Self with Love, loving who you are and embracing life with joy—your individual life.

I found a great way to spark a personal journey or mirror-work is through what I wrote about in the blog series Redirecting and Reprogramming Thoughts and Beliefs. In that I reviewed…

• Affirmations
• Meditation
• Hypnosis
• Creative Visualization

The purpose within that series was to do as the title stated and redirect your thoughts from those awful fears and images you can’t get out of your mind. But they are more than that. I’m an introvert, so these work for me because they are solitary. It’s about quiet time with my thoughts, talking to God, emptying my thoughts and accepting what comes in and it is a time for my body to relax. Creativity is another great spark: painting, dancing, sculpting, building… Become the builder and put your mind into creation. Writing, journaling, poetry, story-telling… Or exercise: go find the runner’s high, take yoga…

Notice how those are not direct. They aren’t about you having a problem with anger and going to an anger management class where you learn about controlling your anger and what triggers you and maybe some psychology of anger—and I’ve heard those classes are a joke anyway. Those techniques are not focusing on problems; they aren’t even focusing on solutions; they focus simply on you.

And you don’t need to think of this Mirror-Work as a journey like a temporary transition. It’s life. It’s the 4th commandment: Remember the Sabbath day, and keep it holy. It’s about carving out a space within your day or week (and life) for rest—Sabbatical. It’s about using that time to focus on you and your relationship with your Higher Power and what it means—whatever it may refer to. Mirror-Work is about Self-Love, not Self-improvement which is a natural byproduct of loving your Self.

[Dr. NO]

HB,

You talk of lot of growth occuring in you and your H.  I read lot of your posts and appreciate you going into details of your journey.

Would you be so kind to make a list of 'Before and 'After' as it relates to your Growth through your MLC.

Appreciate your help,

[HeartsBlessing]

HB - So basically transition and crisis is pretty much the same, and it's the actions that make it into a crisis?

Yes, it's the actions/response to what's happening within that transform a transition into a crisis.

So when you were going through your transition, did you stop loving your H, like you said he had 'lost' his love for you?

In the beginning of my transition, I felt confused, unsettled, and when denial didn't work, and the feelings deepened, I got very angry...I did NOT want to be where I was; but when I asked the Lord to deliver me, He responded that all people go through this, and the only way out was THROUGH.

Seems like I got even angrier; and the pressure inside myself increased; then along came the emotional pain, and the voices that were many...these were the children of my issues who were demanding to be seen, faced, resolved, and healed.

The temptation to run came at that time, but I didn't take it; yet, at first, I didn't to do what I was called upon to do, either, and this was start facing myself.   I tried to shut it all out, but it didn't work; it was like the constant marching of soldiers who didn't stop; and you either marched with them or they walked on you.

So, I went with the "flow" for lack of a better way to describe it, and the facing of my issues began; one at a time.   All were painful, and I was consumed with the facing I was doing...no room for anything else within.

I set everything aside that had been my life, and went deeper into the facing.   There were times I did NOT know my husband at all; I was so far within the past, and struggling to work my way forward in that aspect.

At the same time, I was functioning on my job, as best I could; life in the present continued in spite of where I was within the past.   I couldn't  reconcile these; so, when it was necessary; my Transition did go "on hold" for short periods of time..then resumed when I didn't have to interact with anyone.

I got my space to process the same way he did; I was a truckdriver myself, having started this occupation not long after I went into Transition..and I had a LOT of trouble during that time coping with everything.

I DID go through this SAME aspect my husband went through; I "lost" my love for him for awhile, and I felt numb, detached, and when I looked at him, I felt NOTHING for him.   I couldn't even tell him I loved him; and I remember him being very hurt about that.

I did explain to him within various times of clarity, that I was having trouble "feeling", and he was arguing against it; of course, we went around in circles and eventually I got angry and backed him off of me.

I was very frightened during that time; I felt NOTHING for anyone; not even myself, and this continued for some time.  The pain I was feeling within overshadowed everything I had once felt, and the depression I suffered was so deep that I did often pray for death.

I stayed sick a lot, had various aches and pains, felt "old" even as I worked my way through Menopause, which came before the Transition really got under way.

I was constantly tormented by the past that kept coming up and hitting me in the face; I didn't exactly "relive" my whole life, just the highlights where I had issues to resolve within myself.

I wanted to run, hide, and never return; but I also had responsibility to face; and I didn't want it.

I even considered running away/walking away from my life and starting over somewhere else.

My Intuition stayed active throughout; and I stayed open to this voice who helped me to help myself, even during the times I couldn't sleep because of the constant voices in my head that screamed all of the time.   Our son was a teenager at the time of my husband's crisis, and my Transition, and he took the time to sit down and talk to me when I needed someone to just listen to me get all of my anger, frustration, sadness and depression out on the table.

Son was constantly getting out pictures of happier times, and he encouraged me to just stay with what I had; because it is all too easy to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire.   He kept reminding me that his dad did love me; even though I didn't love him.

He often reminded me that I had come so far; and when I spewed in anger because I was working through a second time what my husband had done during his crisis, son also reminded me that people really aren't perfect, that mistakes do get made, and forgiveness, not just for my husband, but for my parents, and other people that had abused me when I was a child, was important to reach within ourselves.

Somehow, son did get through to me; and there are various turning points that I can't really remember; but my husband did some things that helped me understand that he did, indeed, still love me, and still wanted me.

It took time, but I regained my love for my husband again; and found it was different than before; also taking the time to realize that what I had would never come my way again if I walked away.

I also found a renewed hope within myself, and my state of mind changed, becoming more optimistic than before....this was a process that took TIME to come through, and complete.

One other thing; I went to my husband when I was ready, and talked to him about some of it; explained what I could get him to understand, and asked him to forgive me for the way I'd treated him.

Even though I didn't do anything wrong, nor did anything to dishonor him or me, I'd treated him horribly, and I remembered that when I didn't remember much else.

He said there was nothing to forgive, but I disagreed with him on that.   He said he knew I was going through The Change; and he also said that he knew women got very combative during those times, that he understood; and that he was glad I was finished.

I thanked him for standing by me, when he didn't have to....he said something I've not forgotten; he said that this was what being married was all about; for better OR for worse.

The only thing he asked me was if I'd have to go through this again; since I faced all and everything, the answer there was no.

As far as I know, I've already gone through the worst of it for myself...there's another phase I'm thinking I'll face-- from age 48 to 53; but I don't think it's going to be as bad as what I went through before.

Anyhow, for what it's worth, he and I have seen each other through some pretty bad aspects within the times we faced each other from one side to the other.


The Transition was quite different than the journey I took to resolve various issues within myself to begin the growing process within myself.


Both journeys opened my eyes to what I really was, to the man I had married, and I saw clearly where I needed some pretty deep work within myself.

My STBX just doesn't feel the love for me anymore...  she just said she can't force her feelings...  either you love or you don't, and she doesn't and feels the need to D.

Your wife hasn't figured out yet that love is a choice, and her love for you is buried deeply within herself.  She is basing this assumption on feelings only; and love isn't always about feelings...but the MLC'er has to learn this for themselves, it's not something you can "teach" them.

On the other hand, most MLC'ers get a divorce because they need an "ending" in order to hopefully start a new beginning for themselves, whether with the LBS, or with someone else.

She will find when she gets what she thinks she wants that it won't solve the problem inside herself; it will be the same; she will still be in crisis, and she won't see any changes, except that down the road, she'll see that she has "set you free"; and some MLC'ers panic when they realize they've made a huge mistake by getting a divorce.

Time will tell on this.

I just hope that she doesn't figure it all out too late when she finally sees that she's lost the best thing she ever had in her life; unfortunately it sometimes works out this way....mistakes made that can't be undone, and the damage gets to the point the LBS just can't do it anymore.

Yet time is also what you have to work with and divorce doesn't always mean the total end of everything either.

I wish you well; and I hope that she gets herself worked out given some time.

Take care.

[HeartsBlessing]

HB,

You talk of lot of growth occuring in you and your H.  I read lot of your posts and appreciate you going into details of your journey.

Would you be so kind to make a list of 'Before and 'After' as it relates to your Growth through your MLC.

Appreciate your help,

I've got some errands I need to run at the moment, but I will be back to answer this question.

I saw you posted at the same time I did...didn't want you to think I missed it. 

[Dontgiveup]

The Mirror-Work is not about your relationship and how you interact with others, but it will change how you interact as you change inside; changes in relationships are a byproduct of internal changes.

Mirror Work is not about fixing. Many of you are focused on flaws and fixing and since you think you have few flaws, you are puzzled. You like yourself. So what? Does that mean you should stop learning and growing? Your body is changing; maybe there are new things you should learn simply about aging, being a parent of teenagers or college students or a parent of new parents. Life moves forward. Should your physician stop reading The New England Journal of Medicine because his flaws are slight?

Self-Focus is not about correcting and fixing all the things wrong with you. It’s about focusing on your Self with Love, loving who you are and embracing life with joy—your individual life.

I think it is good to see the above information.  Obviously I don't know specific numbers, but there are LBS who directly correlate discussions of needing to work on the Self with causation of their spouse's MLC.

[kikki]

HB - So basically transition and crisis is pretty much the same, and it's the actions that make it into a crisis?

Hobo - the thinking is that midlife is another of our development phases, such as adolescence is.  We all have to go through adolescence, just as we all have to go through a mid life transition.
It becomes a crisis when you choose to run and deny, instead of facing your shadow, and becoming the whole grown up that you were meant to be.

The crisis is designed to FORCE you EVENTUALLY to face your shadow, and become whole. 

[WhatJustHappened]

It becomes a crisis when you choose to run and deny, instead of facing your shadow, and becoming the whole grown up that you were meant to be.

But when the transition changes to a crisis, it's not really a choice to run and deny, is it? It's triggered or exacerbated, right?

[kikki]

It becomes a crisis when you choose to run and deny, instead of facing your shadow, and becoming the whole grown up that you were meant to be.

But when the transition changes to a crisis, it's not really a choice to run and deny, is it? It's triggered or exacerbated, right?

My understanding of this is that it is the CHOICE of the MLCer to run and deny, which turns it from a transition, into a crisis.

They could have chosen to stay and face their shadow, and work through the anger, and the feelings of wanting to run, wanting a new life - but they didn't.  They CHOSE exit A instead ............  so it became a crisis

[WhatJustHappened]

My understanding of this is that it is the CHOICE of the MLCer to run and deny, which turns it from a transition, into a crisis.

They could have chosen to stay and face their shadow, and work through the anger, and the feelings of wanting to run, wanting a new life - but they didn't.  They CHOSE exit A instead ............  so it became a crisis

Ah. I guess I'm still very much a newb.