[kikki]

One of the main reasons some of you will not recover your marriages is because you will change your mind about Standing. You may give up, feeling defeated and as though you failed (though let’s hope not) or you may change your mind about wanting to be married to your MLCer.

This from RCR's post hit home for me.  We don't know the outcome, but it will definitely change the course of things if we choose to change our minds about standing.   Standing is not for the faint hearted. 

I am not a robot. I can't turn my feelings on and off. If I could, wouldn't I be just like my MLC spouse?

Confused - your post expressed a lot of what I feel also.  This I especially liked.  People expect us to be able to do that.  They expect us to be like the MLCer.  Hadn't thought about it that way before.

[Thundarr]

Hello Riven!!  Great to meet you, and sorry it's under such circumstances. 

[With Gods Help!]

Thanks RCR ....this article answered a lot of questions for me ............i too feel that i have hope and whilst my gut continues to tell me im doing the right thing by standing i will ...........thank you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[WarriorPriestess]

Maybe wanting to quantify the numbers and trends is more important to those who prefer to play the odds?  RCR seems to see that as a trend in the male LBSers.  For those who are determined to beat the odds, no matter what they are, it's really not an issue.  I also think the way that we approach the solution, as I mentioned earlier, through inductive vs. deductive reasoning has something to do with it.  Just rambling here, but it is an interesting discussion!

[faithled]

Confused,

I agree with what you have said.....I have hope because the moment God shows me there is no Hope for reconciliation with my H, then I will move on.  I am 3 years post bomb drop, have dealt with alot, and sometimes want to just meet someone else.  I am doing as you.....mine is not live in; our 3 teen boys live with me......but we are managing one day at a time....it used to be 1 hour at a time!

Huggs

[Rollercoasterider]

In the be-all and end-all, all of us have a 50/50 chance.  They'll either return or they won't.

I agree with your first sentence here Thundarr.  I disagree with the second.  The part I take issue with, and that I took issue with in your previous post on the L2 thread, was the generalizing.  No one on this board, you or anyone else, can speak with authority for what will happen to ALL OF US (or any individual one of us for that matter).  There are too many conditions, too many variables, to categorize ALL LBSers or ALL MLCers under one umbrella.  That is what I meant when I said earlier to "speak for yourself."  In the end, that is all any of us can do with certainty.

Interesting...
I actually took Thundaar's statement to mean the latter part and not to really be about odds--even though he worded it that way. 50/50 not as a percentage, but one of two things will happen: They'll either return or they won't.

[shawnthewife]

Just found this board today and my head is spinning.  I've been reading for hours, not posting, just kind of lurking and learning.  But, I wanted to respond about hope as that seems to be my theme today.

I use a blog to purge my cluttered brain. 
http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/2011/12/totally-clueless.html
It helps me to have somewhere to go to vent, remember, analyze and heal.  Earlier, on another support message board for people dealing with affairs in their marriages, one of the participants asked me to write about where I was in my journey.  My BD was 10/12/10.  The first year after was a total wash.  Then, I found the wonderful people on Healing Heart. 
Here's the link if you want to check it out.  http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/
Found more hope there than with any therapist.  Still have bad days, sad days and some extremely mad days, but I can cope.  And with that, there's hope.  I have not forgiven my H, but I have accepted what he did.  In that, there's hope.  I stopped trying to change my H and focused on healing me.  That's a work in progress filled with hope.
I wish hope for all of you.

[Dontgiveup]

I agree that men have the worst time with it because we try to look at it logically and weigh the odds of success. But in the end no odds make the difference. It is still a personal decision

As a man, I probably do look at it from a logical perspective.  But I don't weigh the odds of success of a return.....I think that's putting the cart before the horse......I look at it from the likelihood of my MLCer making it through her crisis.  The odds of the MLCer making it through their crisis seems very high.

From RCR's article Stories and Human Behavior

How your MLCer is now is not indicative of who he might become. An MLCer may become stuck, but those are the rare cases. More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation

In his book "Women in Midlife Crisis", Jim Conway writes that as the crisis winds down, there is a gradual return to the core values that were previously held, only more mature and refined.

So I don't focus on a possible return.  If/when my ex-wife completes her crisis and returns to the core values she held prior to her crisis, then a return can be possible if not probable.

[Tigger]

RCR's article was very well done, I must say. I think though that will probably never be any quantifiable data as far as reconciliations etc. There are far too many variables. It gets down to everyone has a shot at reconciling. Whether they do or not just depends on to many variables, You would have to have a HUGE amount of studies done in order to get any data, We are the sum total of our experinces, and although we will all have some things in common we will never have the same life. Therefor our experience and personality will be different, The same holds for the MLCer, The reasons for the crisis may be similar, but not identical, add the differing experiences, the environmental factors, the personality of the spouse, kids, no kids, etc. The list goes on and on, the type of MLCer, Vanisher, Touch and Go, Clinging Boomerang. What it  gets down to is that all things being equal, we all have about the same chance of Reconciling as any other person here.

So I believe that this site is not about reconciling, it is not about anything more than allowing the LBS to reclaim their life, give them the tools to know their own mind, to be who they were meant to be, and then allow them to chart their own course in their life, whether that being to stand, or move on. I may be way off. but that is what I see.

[Mamma Bear]

       After reading all of RCRs articles a year ago I decided that Standing was like most other things in life. You get out of things what you put into them.
       On my first day of pharmacy school the professor told us the attrition rate was 50% . That meant if I looked around the classroom half of us wouldn't make it.   
       Then in rehab 11 years ago for alcoholism the counselors told us "60% of you won't make it through with your sobriety."
      If I based my ability to succeed at any endeavor in life by what the odds were of succeeding I probably wouldn't have tried at all! 
      It is true that your odds of winning the lottery are less than getting struck by lightning.  So if I ever win the lottery I'll probably walk outside and immediately be hit by a bolt! Zap!     Thanks RCR!