[Thundarr]

I just wanted to tell all the mentors that I think this thread is an excellent idea, but mostly to thank every single one for all that they do.  I have been helped by each and every one throughout and hope to pay it forward someday.  I've finally seen positive developments in my sitch but know to play it cool and have no expectations.  I thank you guys for opening my eyes so much.

Give each other a pat on the back!!!

[Shantilly Lace]

Thanks THundarr.

And KS I copied and answered on your thread.

[WarriorPriestess]

Hi Freedom,

Fyi here is the response to your original post from OldPilot:

EDIT - I hope you don't mind Freedom but I am splitting this off the Mentor thread and creating your own thread.
This way we will assign you your own personal mentor, but feel free to continue to ask questions.
OldPilot

Here is the link to your own personal thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2231.0

Welcome 

[Stillpraying]

If any mentor has the time, I would mind some insight.  Kind of feel a bit in the dark at present.  I'm feeling more at peace with life as it is but I wonder where H is at?  I know that shouldn't be my focus but it does unnerve me somewhat.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2193.0

Still Praying,

Quite honestly, you really won't know "where your H is at" - until you are looking in the rear view mirror.  As RCR writes in her articles - Replay is resilient - and just when you think they may be leaving Replay - they head back for it with a vengance.....as they are still looking for an easy fix and Replay helps them to avoid.  Also, the MLCers can run - even though the alienator is gone....sometimes they go looking for another one (my H has done this twice) - as the MLCer is still in crisis.

I know this isn't what you want to hear (it wasn't what I wanted to hear) - but stop watching your H and wondering where he is....(it's most likely still in Replay......but again - you really don't know....until much later).  Focus on yourself and your family - what you need to do for YOU.

Sorry...I know that wasn't the answer that you wanted.

Hugs,

limitless

EDIT - Two notes but I agree with the above. REPLAY/ end of OW is not the end of the crisis. So he may be  out of REPLAY and headed into OW Withdrawal, but it sounds like he is still in escape and avoid mode,  and still not headed back towards you. You will only really be able to know this much later down the road, when you are able to look backwards.  Even if he is done with REPLAY your actions do not change. _ OldPilot

CORRECT.  It certainly wasn't the end of the crisis. OW is BACK.

[standingfromadistance]

Question for anyone out there that might have some thoughts.

My H seems to be doing a little touch and go in the last few months. The last time was last weekend...stopping by for our sons birthday knowing he would be at my house. To  me he was taking a big risk for him..he did not  know if there would be any of my family members here. I have not seen him since last April and he hasn't seen any of my family since the year before that.

It has been a year ago this month when he sent me an email saying he was having a hard time confronting what he has done. That was the first and last time he mentioned anything like that.

When he ran he had a good chunk of money at his disposal and with all of the trips h and ow have been on I'm pretty sure it is all gone.

So my question is does this sound like there is movement going on? I don't want to have any expectations just wondering if he is finally making progress. Since I never have contact with him it is hard for me to know.

I went about this question the long way but wanted to give you a little background.

Thanks


Hi...I have posted an answer on your thread http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2182.0

[NoRegrets]

Regarding Replay--could we break that into two distinct phases, the first one being marked by an almost manic infatuation, and the second part being marked by low energy "clinging" to the OW/OM out of desperation?

Seems like a lot of MLC'ers in Replay are miserable, but continue to exist with the OW/OM, maybe trying desperately to stave off the darkness of liminality, maybe to prove to themselves and others that they've done the right thing leaving their spouse, determined to make this work?

I suppose many will ditch OW/OM1 in pursuit of that infatuation high, not ready to leave Replay, but what about those who seem to eek out a miserable existence with their bottom-of-the-barrel companion?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I think you see the initial outburst like you have stated. The MLCer is proud of themselves and their newfound "love". After all, they are on a quest to "change" the past and find that "happiness" that fills their world. High energy is extrovert activities and low energy is introverted. One is very active, runs through the money, physical affairs while the other is more emotionally detached, emotionally involved with the other person.

Cali, I think that you made a very astute and logical observation that despite low energy or high energy, the first phase is a distinct eruption. After the initial high, the high energy may leave the alienator and try to come home-hence the clinging boomerang as they go back and forth. The low energy may actually take longer because the emotional bonds and the ability to self-medicate the depression without full involvement creates a huge issue with withdrawal even though on the outside they appear to be the same lifeless and loveless creatures.

Even the vanisher makes a blip on the radar after the high begins to wear off. All try to avoid and hide and returning to the other person is much easier than to accept responsibility for their actions. However, they will all face their demons at some point and they will return. It is not a matter of will, but a matter of when.

[kikki]

Regarding Replay--could we break that into two distinct phases, the first one being marked by an almost manic infatuation, and the second part being marked by low energy "clinging" to the OW/OM out of desperation?

Good point

[crazyforhim]

Yes...I never thought of it like that before but so true!

[NoRegrets]

Thanks, Ready!

Boy, was my H proud of his new love!

I have to laugh, actually. (SO proud!)