Yes, some of us were blessed with special boys and even more special girls.
I have given some thought to the way the end of their relationship happens and believe I have put together a possible roadmap explanation
and building off some of the theory of the famous pioneers in MLC.
About the end of the relationship,
Here are my thoughts on the OP and the possible end of that relationship.
If you are a newbie, stop right here. Don't read this. Come back in a year. Read it then. You are not ready to even figure this in to all that is going on in your life.
This is just my opinion based on my experience and observation. It is not gospel. I could be dead wrong in your situation as one size does not fit all in MLC.
I believe the OP has characteristics of the parent these people have the big FOO issue with. It is one of the things that subconsciously draws them to the person.
After all MLC is a series of patterns and stages, that repeat and repeat until the MLC person finally moves. Some of the stages are actually repeats of mini stages within the bigger stage. Some loop back over and over like a car that keeps going around the block because it misses its turn off. Until the car finally gets it right.
At first the relationship between the MLC man and the OW is electric. He is fulfilling needs of hers by playing the knight in shining armour or such. He is saving her. She adores and worships him. fulfilling a need in him. He is manic basically. She feeds that. MLC man appears to be addicted to her. He wants to be with her all the time. He thinks she is fun and free, bohemian, no pressure, no responsibilities. He will spend and spend on her and himself. He is desperate to have fun, to run, to begin his new life, to find and solidify a new identity and a new life. He is going back in time, trying to get it right this time. He is going deeper and deeper into replay.
The OW feeds this devolving. She is happy while he goes back to being a teenager. She is more and more certain he is staying with her. Yes, the wife still makes her insecure but she is getting a big return on her investment. Perhaps he is paying her bills. Perhaps he has helped her get raises and promotions at work. Perhaps he is buying her presents or taking her traveling. Perhaps he is filling her need for a father figure. Whatever.
But then over time, things shift and change for the MLC person and the OW.
The MLC man devolves. He is not able to maintain the manic highs of the beginning. The depression in him is growing. He is becoming more forgetful. Perhaps the money is running low. The tidy sum he had tucked away is gone likely. He may have lost his job or he has had a slap on the back of his head in the divorce arena. The bills are piling up. Pressure is rising.
In the meantime, the OW is taking over more. She is tired of hearing about the wife. She may be tired of being kept in the shadows. She wants recognition as the victor in the war over H. She wants to reap the benefits for her investment. She wants acknowledgement and recognition from his friends and colleagues perhaps. She may be pushing hard for marriage if Mr. MLC has not yet married her. Perhaps she wants a house like the wife has. She wants a return on her investment.
But the MLC man is still devolving. In some ways she has to take control since he is just not quite capable and sharp right now. More and more things fall to her to decide and take over responsibility for. She is taking control of more and more things. Perhaps it is his business. Perhaps the checkbook. Perhaps she tries to micro manage his social life and activities. She lays down the law about any further ruminating about the ex-wife. She makes more demands. She is beginning to like being in the drivers seat. And he is leaning hard on her. She is the parent and he is childlike in many ways in his dependence on her. This is where the addiction is thorough and even visible to others who really know him. When she controls the decisions she makes naturally benefit her. She didn't enter into this for nothing. She wants a return on her investment.
By now, he has devolved about as far as he is going to and found no answers to his pain and confusion. He yearns to be manic again like in the beginning. He is restless. He may be having flashes of anger and frustration with OW in private. He may be withdrawing in to himself some.
OW knows that something is shifting. She senses he needs some drama to help him become manic and in effect be able maintain the feed required for him to stay devolved and her in charge. She casts about for that. Why not the ex wife? She was always good for drama to keep him manic. Or how about an accidental pregnancy? Or perhaps a new house? She has to maintain her position. She can't let him grow or slip all the way in to the big depression stage. (Not that the OW is aware of this consciously)
But the more he is restrained the more he begins to resent her. She is now in full parent mood. Something inside him wants to learn and grow. The hole inside him is not filled any longer by OW. He is frustrated. He withdraws some. (Just like he did with the wife in the lead up stage 1 of MLC)
Frustration makes him angry. (Ladies, remember the anger stage?) Anger makes him mean. But OW is also mad. This is not what she bargained for. She likes being in control. She likes him dependent on her. She is not supposed to be treated like the wife was after all she is special. She is not (insert adjectives used to describe the wife at the beginning of the affair.) She either gets him under control or its war.
You see, I think it is probable that these people go through a mini version of the first two stages in the lead up to the possible end of the Replay stage and the end of the OW relationship. Then just as they did with us, they face a fork in the road. One fork is a left and on to OW2, 3, 4 or back to OW1 for a repeat. The other is on to depression. Which way they go, is the question. If he is ready to face the Foo issues he has recreated in his life with OW, then he is out. If not, he recreates it all over again and circles back.
For example, my ex has a crazy mother. She worships him and treats him as her husband. She is narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, and bossy. She is also big in the area of theatrical gestures. Once when his dad tried to leave, she threw herself on to the ground behind his car. She was almost run over. She has a history of suicide attempts and serious depression as well. She is delusional and controlling in that she denied being pregnant until she went into labor with him in the chair at home. Her 14 year old daughter had to drive her to the hospital. By the time they arrived she was crowning and still denying that she was pregnant. When they brought the baby home, she let the daughters care for him while she lay in bed receiving visitors telling her how brave and incredible she was to go through something like that. She tells that story at every family gathering.
I believe he finally found a girl who would act like his mother. She has already covered many of the characteristics from suicide attempts to yelling, screaming, swearing, playing the victim, etc. Now as I understand it she is very controlling and has taken over everything from living arrangements to what he is allowed to spend at the store to what music he is allowed to listen to and how long he can spend talking with other women either in his office or on the internet.
See the circles and repeating patterns? If they had to go through denial and anger with us, then why not with the OW but on a much more condensed time frame naturally.
Best LP
Now I am off to home to take some medication as I have a miserable migraine. To those I promised to answer questions, I will try to get back to you all tonight but I am just not able to at the present.
if people won’t listen to you, there’s no point in talking to people. If they won’t listen, you’re just banging your head against a wall.
Sadly Ive used up all the time I had allotted to spend banging my head on the wall
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