[OldPilot]

bump for WIGB

[willitgetbetter]

Thanks OP!

I have a few major questions that keep popping in my head. Maybe RCR has addressed some of them but I haven't come across the answers myself. Think these may be things many ponder. Answers to any by RCR, Stayed or others would be helpful.

1) Is there any understanding of why some MLCer's are in the fog so much that they leave for the OW/OM vs. the ones that who are "smart enough" or insightful enough to still be with the OW/OM and still stay home until they figured themselves out?


2) Why do some MLCers tell the spouse they are leaving for OW/OM, and others leave and say its for "space" and try to keep it secret from the spouse saying they are staying with a friend or family, like mine did?


3) Why would an MLCer, if they feel so pressured by the spouse, want to move right in with an OW/OM??? I think the majority do seem to move directly in with them, rather than get their own place.

Why not move into own place and continue the relationship with OW/OM so they can be free from the pressures of having to check in with someone??? Or get own place so they can continue to cake eat with spouse and OW/OM without having to admit they are together or raise much suspicion from the spouse?

OW/OM would continue to see them so they could still have the OW/OM relationship and freedom. To move directly from home with spouse and kids to another woman seems like frying pan into the fire.


4) I believe I have read on here that the affair is estimated to last an average of 2 years. Does this "clock" start at the beginning of the MLCer and OW/OM's relationship while still at home or start AFTER they move out? My H's has been 3 1/2 years. He was here for 3 yrs and has been living with her for 1/2 year. They have passed 2 years. Would 2 yr or so "the clock" start again from date of his move out?


In some sitches on here where the H/W returned, they also had A while at home for years, and moved out for 6 months and then returned. Maybe the time speeds up and it died in months since the relationship moved from fantasy to reality. Finances and other reality issues of a real relationship. Just wondering if RCR or anyone else, especially those reconnecting or reconciling with MLCer, has thoughts on this?

5) And despite being deep in the fog, how are some MLCer's clear enough to know that they don't want a D, so ask for a separation instead? From my estimation, most of them have D talk and don't file OR talks and do file for D. And seems very few are like mine, ones who may physically separate or talk about legal separation but not D.


I just learned 1 month ago that when H moved out, that he actually had moved in with OW. He had lied and said he was on his bachelor friend's couch. And he had left his coats, dress clothes, shoes and tools, etc... here for the entire 5 months he has been gone. Since finding out, like I believe RCR did at the end, I packed it all and put in the garage. Despite him saying he needed me to park on the street so he could pull in the garage spot to pack it up, he hasn't taken any of it. Boxes have been there now for 5 weeks. And he comes to see DD every week.

When being upset the last time he mentioned separation a week ago, I said that "if we are going to go through the process of doing an agreement, now that you are living with OW, why not go all the way and just do a divorce?" Yet, again now, days later, he still raises doing separation agreement again. Despite my "suggestion" that we do D.

So this is why I wonder what may make him different than most in not discussing a D or filing for D, despite living with OW. Maybe she is pressuring him for a D, and he thinks a separation will quiet her? It wasn't until after I drove to OW's, saw his car, and told him by phone that I now know the truth (that he lives there), that he has been raising separation agreement topic.

One month out of BD2....Feel like I'm starting all over again.

My current thread:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5543.50

Hard hard day. Thanks.

[blackice]

good questions! can't wait to see some answers on them.

my h moved out and into an apartment ow got here, she is from out of state and quit her job to move here. she still has no job, h isn't making any money so her mom is paying their bills. lovely right. also all they have is a mattress on the floor (was an air mattress until two weeks ago), two lawn chairs, an old tv you have to punch to get working, a dvd player, and some dishes. they have lived there for three months. h has said the reason he hasn't bothered getting any furniture is because he doesn't feel like he will be with her long enough to need any. yet there he is. living the dream.

[Anjae]

WIGB,

I think several of those questions are addressed by RCR in her articles and blog posts. Maybe it would be a good idea to re-read them.

Nº 1 – Don’t think so apart from high energy MLCers tend to leave and wallowers tend to stay home even if there is OW/OM.

Nº 2 - It may be because some MLCers are more confident, or think the spouse will still take them back if they say up front they are living for OW/OM and others think that the space thing will make the LBS more willing to take them back. Mr J was the for space. I never believed him.

OW1 become public because I received an anonymous phone call telling she existed and she and Mr were going to meet in place X. When I asked Mr J why the mystification is answer was: because he were going to pretend we had meet at place X and things started there, after I had already left. I do not want to be the bad guy, I do not want people to know what I did.

I asked him if he thought I wasn’t capable of putting two and two together (I had been suspicious for months that there was someone else). He said, yes, you would, but I did not wanted you to be hurt or to think ill of me. And I don’t want other people to think ill of me. Me, so, you getting someone else weeks after you left was not going to hurt me? Mr J, It was but ti would be different.

Nº 3 – Because of the allure of the affair. Because of the illusion. Do not forget that early on OW/OM are nothing but smooth. Things change when they are living together, but many MLCers remain years on end with OW/OM. Usually because they already messed up their marriage, now better to try to make the mess work. Mr J never lived with OW1, he lived in a room in a mate’s flat and in a rented room in a flat full of university students. He also did not moved in straight away with OW2, but has been living with her for more than 5 years.

Nº 4 – The affair may last far more than 2 years. Take a look on the threads of us old timers and you will see that many of us have a spouse living with OW/OM for much more than two years. For me it starts when the affair started.

Nº 5 – Not sure if there are many MLCers who ask for a separation agreement. Usually the MLCer asks for divorce. Some LBS have asked for separation agreement in order to protect the finances. Maybe your MLCer needs something to show OW and a separation agreement is something.

[willitgetbetter]

Thank you Anjae for your responses.

What you put in response to No. 2 about your H is my thoughts as to why my H wanted me to believe he was on his friend's couch, in addition to keeping the anchor.

No. 4: Unfortunately, since his OW is over 65 yrs old, I doubt she will be kicking him to the curb any time soon.

As for No. 5, I think it is that or that he is so bogged down with bills that he is trying to sort out his finances and what he needs to pay and what he doesn't. Wants me to take on house payments and agree in writing. I've been paying all on my own since April. But somehow this will bring him mental relief.

[willitgetbetter]

Any known good links or posts regarding advice about having to deal with OW and the kids meeting them for the first time?

[Moving Forward]

Hi Willit,
If you click on my avatar it will enable you to read my posts over the years! I have posted plenty on kids and handling the OW - take a read and please post any specific questions you may have. It is such a huge topic.

((hugs))

[UnconditionalLove]

My H has been in a EA for about 8 or 9 months. Still haven't admitted it but I know it's going on. I don't know really if it was ever physical but I think not. I really think they both want me out of the picture first so neither of them look like adulterers.

She is 32 a student of his or was and they are doing a research project together not linked to a school now because she has left the state. However, she is coming back this month so they can work on this project together.  I know very little about their relationship other than they have some sort of relationship and my BD came at the height of their relationship or my H infacuation of their relationship.

My H has never moved off divorce. He is adament about it. I know that is because of the EA. Now, he's wanting to do a medation and as of this week he keeps running around without his ring and a necklace I gave him on our wedding day. He has wore that for 30 years.  I'm not sure why he's taking it off and why he keeps trying to get me to look that it's off. I just ignore it.

My journey has been with a H who has not shown any doubt and keeps moving this stuff forward. Yes, I started the procedings because I had to protect the financial stuff but I really feel like this EA coming to town has given him some sort of...I need to see something with this divorce song and dance.

I can't imagine that my H would want to move so quickly on this divorce if there wasn't for the EA.  I thought from all accounts EA makes guys move?

My H brain is so fogged. He is doing all kinds of things against me that he clearly things is wise.  I can hardly wait for the end of the month when she gets here because I won't see him. Now that he has quit his job and decided to only work our company I'm stressed just having him here.  I really think it's time for him to move to another place for now so I can breathe.  I don't think he is going to get to the place of rock bottom till he's out but having him out when she gets back doesn't seem to be the answer either. That probably needed to happen before she got back.

I wish I could see some waivering. Not what he wants me to see but something that would let me know that some love for me is in his heart.  We still talk, he's sharing some of his day with me, he would go get something to eat with me but all that I feel is just binding his time.  I feel like he is completely gone from me because of the EA.

Great Thread!

[ArmySpouse]

I have read different opinions and experiences I've read about in other places...

I was just wondering if the affair(s) really not last past the replay stage?? 

 Because supposedly they wake up and move to the next correctly-  that's when they go into the depression stage ...so technically when you wake up you know what you have done and you kind of quit ..or is this just my rational normal thinking but in that crises nothing is normal.. ??  Or is this just my rational normal Thinking...does this apply to them too ?

Or are there sad cases that do not know how to quit the other person and just drag them along?  Getting married and all that stuff ..
Or do they just get married in the replay stage and then realize what they have done ..

[OldPilot]

Simple rule is usually if their is another person anywhere around they are still in REPLAY or ESCAPE and Avoid.