[GottaBeMe]

Hopefulone,

That story is so powerful, for me, so sad.  I have envisioned a similar scenario in my mind, over and over, with my xh.  It is why I cannot ignore him when he reaches out to me, and some people IRL don't understand.  I've tried to give him hope as much as I can and fought very hard to put my own issues with him to rest.  It's been a very long road for me though.  I feel powerless to do much else at this point, but this post brings me to tears.  Whatever his addictions are, he doesn't seem to be able to have what it takes to overcome them.

The last time he contacted me for a meaningful discussion, one of the first things he said to me was "I just want you to know, in case something happens to me, that I'm sorry for everything that I've done, and I know how much I hurt you.  If I could do it over again, I would". 

For me, and where we are in our situation, I forgave him.  He was a b@stard to beat all b@stards, and caused as much damage as a person can.  I know that that is not the real him though, and it just means that he has so much to overcome.  For my own protection, I have to keep my distance with him, so it was important to me to let him know that I forgive him. 

For all my detachment, and peace right now in my life, I know that if something does happen to him, I will be devastated. 

[LoveMeMyself]

Very touching and heartfelt story, Hopefulone.  It brings tears to my eyes.  I wish all our MLC'ers could/would read it.  My exH's dad left his mom and remarried.  He left her and two teenage boys (twins) at home. They despised their dad for leaving them and their mom.  He later became sick (bone cancer) and died at the age of 53.  My exH's mom said it felt like losing him all over again. I know she loved him even though he left her for OW.  She would have done anything for him if given the chance.  She has been deceased now for 4 years.  I hope and pray they are holding hands in heaven.  Thanks for sharing the story.

[unbroken]

It's a tightrope.  You want them to know that they can come home when they are ready, but you don't want them to just abuse that knowledge.
I did hear another story yesterday. Don't have details.  Don't really think it was MLC, but it does give hope that people do really love the people they marry which is what I'm counting on.  I believe I am the love of his life for my H.  (But maybe that's wishful thinking)
Anyway.  A friend knows someone at work who divorced her H a while back, maybe just a year or two.  She doesn't know all of why, but the W had stuck by the H through a cancer and maybe loss of a job but things were bad between them.  The W thought it was all about the H and was unhappy.  I think that went on for a while. Then they divorced.  I'm sure there's more.  Anyway, they just remarried.

[LuvYourself]

This is my story of hope for all of you currently dealing with a spouse in a MLC.   
I would describe my husband and I as the perfect couple,  we were best friends, loved being with each other, holding hands constantly, and telling each other we loved each other daily. 
When the MLC hit, and hit hard, it felt so sudden (I can look back now and see there were signs).
 A MLC seems to blow in with a hurricane force and destroy everything in it's way.   

My husband was never cruel to me with his words, but became withdrawn, depressed, highly focused on working out, and buying things that shocked me.  He became a person I didn't recognize nor like. 
I tried to make sense of it, I tried to understand it, I tried to fix it, but there is no making sense of it, understanding it or fixing it.   
This is their journey to take and there's alone...you can't fix it nor make it better for them.   
I remember crying several times per day...trying to make just hour to hour at work.   
I asked him over, and over, and over again if there was someone else and every time he said no.   
This was so against who my husband was as a person, his morals, his respect and love for me. 

I didn't think there was any possibility he could do it to me.   I ignored all the warning signs because I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to believe it. 
Honestly, I just couldn't handle it.   
I read the Hero's Spouse daily, researched MLC until I felt I was an expert in the field, and called my best friend 4-5 times daily.  Along the way, a friend of mine gave me a daily devotional called, "Jesus Calling".   

I believe in God, but certainly didn't go to church nor pray daily.  When I started reading the daily devotionals, it was as though He was speaking to me.  I really held on to the words, which really helped me get through the days. 
After a year of no change, I told my husband in a fit of rage to leave and figure it out...followed by don't come back until you do.   Well guess what, he took me up on that.   My husband left Feb 1st and moved into an apartment...I was devastated.   
One week later to the day, my best friend through a very strange string of events saw my husband running with HER. 
Again devastated....but, I wouldn't believe it.  The story he gave was plausible...right?   

Another week later was the call, his phone accidently called my phone (which it had several before in the past). 
I had the pleasure of listening to him and her talk...it was very scrambled and hard to make out the exact words, but clear enough to determine there was someone else.  I don't think there's any words to describe that feeling of betrayal...a person would need to experience it to really understand it.  I confronted him and there was no way to disguise it now.   He loved her, he didn't know how he felt about me...etc etc.  We've all heard it.   Instead of turning ugly, hateful, taking revenge....I turned and worked on myself as difficult as it was...I left him to figure it out for himself.  I followed all the recommendations made through this website...it helped me make sense of what was happening and understand where he was. 

Without this site I don't think our marriage would have survived.  I knew I couldn't help him so I focused on myself, what role had I played in all of this.  How can I become a much happier person within myself.  I told him that I wasn't divorcing him and if he wanted the divorce, he's the one that was going to do it. 
VERY long story short, after the affair came out I guess it lost it's excitment.  He eventually came back to me and asked if I would take him back.  He couldn't understand how I was ever going to forgive him, but if I was willing to take him back he wanted to try again.  I have forgiven him because I can separate the two people...this was not my husband. 
I didn't recognize this man.   It's been almost 2 years since this talk. 
My husband and I are through his MLC, living together again for the last year, trust is as solid as it can be with what’s happened, we are very happy, life is good. 

PLEASE BELIEVE....THERE IS HOPE!

[xyzcf]

Thank you so very very much LuvYourself..may God continue to bless you and your marriage and family.

[wondering]

My girlfriend was talking to me about a month ago saying i shouldn't  hate the OW she might have just gotten caught up in things like my girlfriend had 20 years ago.

A bunch of friends all worked out in the same gym (that's where I met H). The rumor all over the club was that my friend was having an affair with this married man at the gym. His wife also worked out there. It was humiliating for the wife that everyone at the gym knew. I remember my friend complaining that her car kept getting egged and she suspected the wife. I can't remember how many months or more that it went on. I remember my H and I running into them one time out in public but quite far away(40 minutes away) from the gym and from where this man lived.  He eventually went back to his wife. He was in his mid 40's. Well I ran in to this man and his wife just last year..they are still together 20 yrs since it happened.

I just remembered it the other day and it is a good reminder that the hurt and humiliation can be gotten over. A marriage can heal from this horror. I have no doubt that my friend wound up being a blip on the radar screen in their very long marriage. It also reminded me that how much pain the wife had to be going through to lower herself to egg my friends car. I am so glad I have never contacted OW.

[Ibelieve]

luvyourself,

Thanks so much for posting your success story.  As I was reading the first part of your story, my mouth dropped because I was reading my exact story including the best friend, loving, saying we love each other, holding hands all the time, H not cruel etc.
 All of it. I really felt like you stole my story. haha. 

I am so very happy for you, and you have given me hope.

[LuvYourself]

My heart goes out to each and every one of you.  The amount of pain can't be described.  We try to make sense of the MLC, the OW....asking the how's, why's, and what the hell's    PLEASE do not torture yourselves with trying to figure it out...blaming yourselves...it's all insanity...we're dealing with an insane person.  THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU....he's NOT doing this with the purpose of hurting you...his actions/choices are all about him...his wants/desires....it's him...his journey...his past....his issues.   There is nothing to make sense of and if you continue to try you will drive yourself crazy.  Focus on yourself as hard as that is...keep yourself busy...find a hobby...do some self exploration.  I used that time to help myself grow as a person...I found myself through this journey and have come out a better/happier person.  This time is not all about him.

[xyzcf]

I for one would really appreciate if you can keep posting..I have just been through a wretched day..every time I think I'm ok I find that I'm not..especially when after nearly two years he is completely gone....I need to keep reminding myself that MLC is real!

[Tsunami]

Luvyourself,

Thank you so much for coming to this site and sharing your story with others.

XYZCF, a big cyber hug to you!  You have been a wonderful source of encouragement to all of us, and keep the faith, you will make it through today, and tomorrow I pray things will be much better for you.

Luv,

Tsunami