[LuvYourself]

Zinger--
     What brought my husband around...why now???  I'm not sure...I think he moved through his journey and found this lifestyle was not making him happy either.  When he stopped seeing the OW, I asked him why now?  What has changed?   He said one day he stopped and thought what the hell am I doing.   At the end of the MLC he still didn't know what he wanted and still confused as to where he fit into his life...he said it was my strength and conviction that pushed him to finally jump back in.   He said I was so strong and solid about my feelings (that we were meant to be together forever)....he thought I must be on to something...he took the chance and jumped.
     

[xyzcf]

LuvYourself..please keep posting..you have no idea how much I needed to read this right now.

[LuvYourself]

So instead of crying to God that you did nothing and it is unfair, ask God what to do now.

This is so true.   I prayed A LOT!   Many times I didn't really like the answer, but I trusted that He had a plan whether I agreed with it or not.  It appears to be so much easier if we followed a straight path, but sometimes we were meant to travel hills and valleys.   I read a passage daily from Jesus Calling...I felt He was speaking directly to me some days....very, very inspirational book.   I didn't question why....I said OK...I really don't like this ride, but I'm straping in because it appears it's going to be bumpy.    There are no explanations as to why things happen the way they do, just trust that He knows the way and He'll get you there in the end.

[truth_seeker]

LuvY- please continue to post.  I too welcome any thoughts you might have on your experience. 

I'll have to get Jesus Calling one of these days.  Thanks for mentioning it...

[Shantilly Lace]

I'm going to move the "fog" comments to another thread I pinned.

A view from the other side - my fog story

I will eventually tidy this thread up to the stories only.

[initforever]

I think I should post this story here! A friend of mind walked away from her husband about 3 years ago, I didn't know anything about MLC at the time and I believed and supported her.  I thought what she was saying was true about her husband. They were married 21 years and she just wanted out!. Her husband begged her to stay, went to counseling with her, just tried everything he could (like most of us LBS). 

Last year, I told her about my H and how he was acting and we would talk about my h's desire to leave but, I didn't put it all together until months later.  My friend was a walk away wife! She was having her own MLC! At the same time my h moved out she actually was divorcing her h. She had been dating a man 10 years younger who was going to Divinity School.  The man was divorced with 3 young daughters.

After my friend divorced her husband she and the OM were talking about getting married! She was on cloud nine! Well, guess what...the OM who was in Divinity School...went back to wife of his youth!!

I hate to be happy about this but!!! So, where does that leave friend, well fast forward to today, she text  me last week about how miserable, lonely, broke, and her h has moved on with a new girlfriend and will not have anything to do with her!

I really don't do what advice to give to friend because I am her husband! I just told her to Trust God!

I'm not sure if this post should be here but, to me it was a success for the LBS! He actually did have the last say!

[BraveNewWorld]

Initforever, thanks for the story. Couple of questions.

Did your friend indicate to you that she now regrets leaving her husband?

What did she say about him that you thought was true at the time? What does she say about that now?

BNW

[initforever]

BNW...she talked about how awful their marriage had been for years and how you just never know what goes on behind closed doors. I had no idea she was in MLC so, I believed her! I thought, heck she knows better than anybody!

She has regrets for sure, the one thing that has really hurt her is seeing her exh being happy with someone else! When someone tells you they are lonely, broke and miserable you know they have regrets! Plus she wants to reconnect with her exh and he will not have anything to do with her, she is regreting her decisions!

She is still in the tunnel and I say thus because she is still blaming her exh! So, she has Some work she still needs to do. I hope this helps!

[BraveNewWorld]

Initforever, thanks for the reply. I hope you don't mind me asking more questions. I guess I'm going through a phase

One of the ( admittedly many ) things I find difficult about this is how friends of my wife ( that in fact knew us both ) just accept that she was unhappy in our marriage.

When you wrote 'she knows better than anybody', it made me think that's what her friends must have thought too. Did you ever talk to her husband? Did your opinion of him change right away?

Very few of her friends have even spoken to me, yet they seem so supportive of my wife.

Here's a conversation I remember:

W: 'They ( her friends ) understand. They get it'.
Me: 'How come I don't? Please can you help me understand?'.
W: 'That's between you and your therapist'.
Me: 'He says that you have all the answers.'
W: 

It is interesting not knowing what goes on behind closed doors. My version of what went on behind those doors is different from my wifes ... and by and large, my version remains untold to the mutual friends that we had. Somehow her version is the only version. She could say anything, and I think at some point in this, my wife realized that she could say or do what she liked and I think that felt empowering. The only people that may have disagreed were the people that should have mattered the most.

I was actually behind our own 'closed doors', and now, two years post BD - I barely know what was real anymore - I'm auditing my memories - my brother tells me to hang on to the good ones because they were real.

Does she want a romantic relationship with her ex again? What does she blame him for now? Did she suggest to you that she was in a fog?

Before my wife left, I told her that I didn't want any more of her anger. That as far as I was concerned, I'd paid whatever price my actions had cost me, and that she had to find someone else to be angry at. Ideally the person or people she really should be angry at.

To me this MLC is a cop out in some ways ... they direct their anger at someone or something that it is safe to be angry at, rather than accept some difficult, horrible truth about the real origin of the problems. It must feel amazing to get the anger out at all. But it is temporary and misdirected. I think it is ultimately only more damaging to them.

We're advised to not take it personally as standers, and in some ways maybe that's what we need to give to our spouses as an act of love. But it is brutal as you know!

I can understand why her ex husband would have nothing to do with her. And she is dangerous to him if she still has blame for him. I'm worried that I'm going to end up down that path - to quote Sarah McLachlan - of 'burying my heart in a place she can't touch' and moving on.

Thanks.

BNW

[Dontgiveup]

BNW

When I read the part in your post about versions of your marriage being told to mutual friends, I got the image of a jury trial.  If the majority of your mutual friends thought your side was accurate, and they ruled in your favor, then your wife's MLC must come to an end.

When your wife says her friends "get it", just take that with a grain of salt.  Your version IS different from your wife's.....it has to be.....she's having the MLC, not you.  Just like the lady you communicated with on the other website, your wife is set up for regrets.

What your therapist said is partially true.  She will have the answers....but not right now.....that's why MLC is a process.