[Thundarr]

Hey all,

I ran across this yesterday and a few of my L2 buds had read it or read it yesterday.  I have a link to the whole book if someone would like me to PM it to them.  I'll not share my take on the book itself until a few have had a chance to respond, but I'm really interested to get the female perspective on this not only for my own interests but for research purposes in general.  Thanks!

http://womensinfidelity.com/female_midlifecrisis.html

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

OK I don't have much to offer but the phrase "women like getting married but not being married" kind of resonated with me.  I myself actually like being married, but there are other women I've seen who seem so focused on the "getting" married, I wonder if they ever stop to think about how it's really going to be after they marry.

And I'm not sure where she gets the four-year thing from.  I can't recall being that dissatisfied after hitting the four-year mark.  Maybe that's for couples with children.

[BonBon]

Thundarr,

I think this book would be interesting because what you linked says this author explains the "why" of all these things.  That would be very interesting to read.

I think that this sort of encapsulated version is pretty accurate of both men and women in MLC in many ways.  I also think that it is true many, many women want to get married but not be married and there is a huge difference. 

I would love to know from anyone who reads this what she says about the "why" of it all because for me, I'm still convinced that its in great part due to being spoiled in general.  I think generations before us (again, KNOW that I am generalizing), realized life wasn't going to be one constant thrill ride, one endless parade of validation and that there was nothing abhorant with getting a little older.  Our generation has to have constant validation and instant gratification and for my money, that's the reason so many women cheat these days whereas they didn't in previous generations.
But I would like to know what this woman says...

Bon

[Trustandlove]

Interesting.  I guess it might be interesting to know what she says, but I have to say that this is so outside my own experience, both with myself and any friends, that I can't relate. I always liked being married; the being was more important than the 'getting' (indeed, one thing I regret is not putting more thought and effort into the wedding itself....)

[Ready2Transform]

I'm really grateful that you posted this, Thundarr, because it actually gives me insight into the OW for me.  I'm trying to take away her power from my mind, and this is helping.  I think she's totally going through a big MLC (maybe even worse than my H).  And they're all still in limbo, too.  A little compassion for her?  Maybe.  But it always feels good to get confirmation of how much of a fantasy this relationship always is.  A fake "out". 

And I was another one who wanted to be a wife more than be a bride.  Cute yet affordable Vegas wedding with friends was all we needed, and it was an amazing, fun weekend.  The life was what we were excited about.  Even if we have nothing else, we shared our big dreams.  That's worth more to me than a fancy dress.

[kikki]

I'm with T and L, this is outside my realm of experience for both myself and my friends too.
I really enjoyed being married, and didn't ever fantasize about the dream wedding either.
For me, it was about being with this person that I had chosen to be with. 

I certainly didn't start looking around for other men four years into my marriage.  I was too busy having babies and renovating a house and running a company. 

Would be keen to hear more about it though.  Maybe it is a generational thing, and is what is happening with younger women who possibly have been more career driven??

[Anjae]

OK, one thing is MLC and the infidelity and divorce that come with it the other non MLC infidelity and divorce.

As for the many features that have recently come up about the rise in female infidelity I think it has to do with people not being aware of History and how humans have always behave.

Female infidelity has always existed throughout history. It is nothing new, plenty of children were not from the husband (even today many children are not from the husband). Women have always cheated as much as men and they always will. Before it was not openly talked about. Usually it remained a family secret. An indiscretion, being it from husband or wife, was something people were aware could happen and in itself it would not ended a marriage. No one in its right mind, for many millennia, would end a marriage because of an infidelity. A thing we now do all the time.

As for women pushing men for commitment also being presented as something that is part of modern relationships… well, in the past men would have, and want, to commit.  A single man was frown upon. Men did not wanted to be unmarried, nor did women. Being married was important and relevant. It is still very important to be a married man or woman in certain parts of the world.

So, what has changed? The biggest change in marriage begun when it passed from a thing that was expect and often fixed, to a case of love/romanticness, in the early/mid XIX century. But it took decades for a marriage of love be the most common one in western society.

The writer of the feature says she had been happily married for 4 years and then started to be bored. Marriages have ups and downs. Now can 4 years count as a long term relationship?... I suppose that depends of ones point of view… In 10 years of marriage (and after 10 together) I have never felt bored of my husband or sexually uninterested in him. But I’ve also never said I would never cheat. We never know if we will or if we will not.

“most of our societal beliefs about females are grossly distorted and many are completely erroneous.” With this I fully agree. But I think the way we few females and their sexuality and behaviour comes from the Victorian and 1950’s views on women. If one takes a look at history it is pretty easy to see that the views many believe do not match historical evidence.

There is no “widespread problem of female infidelity”. Or there is as much or as less has there was centuries or millennia ago. Since it has always existed and it was not less than now, the issue of female infidelity cannot have anything to do with modern life.

The difference, like I said before, is that in the past people would not divorce because of infidelity or because they have felt attracted by someone else. Marriage was one thing, love and sex often another. Sometimes, of course, all of those things would go together.

I had a civil marriage, I never had that period of being a bride, nor the dress or the party.  I loved being married.

[Shantilly Lace]

No I loved being a “wife”
I was never married so it wasn’t ever about being a bride.


But it stills reminds me of ow.

[Phoenix]

This didn't resonate for me, but since two of the OW in my sitch were "friends" of mine for years, I can see both of them in what the author has said.

I was definitely far more interested in a marriage than a wedding and the thought of cheating never held any appeal to me, not only because I loved my husband, but because it's not who I am, regardless. But then again, that makes sense since I am not the one cheating...

In general, we are becoming too much of a "throw away" society, in my opinion. If something requires work, get something easier. If something might need some effort, give it away. If something needs a little fixing or has a bit of wear and tear, just replace it. If it's lost its initial shine and thrill, just throw it out.

Weak, whiny and lazy, in my view. Real life isn't fantasy. Marriage and family requires work and commitment. We are not each the center of the Universe. It is normal to experience highs and lows and to have some non-exciting routines and responsibilities in life. There are more productive ways to deal with that than running and cheating. Geesh. What are we teaching, and doing to, the next generation?
Phoenix   

 

[kikki]

Phoenix - I agree - what indeed are we teaching to the future generation.  It appalls me actually.

Remember Alvin Toffler's 'Future Shock'.  I remember my father shaking his head in dismay at what he read in there, and the further demise of society.