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Author Topic: MLC Monster When They Have a Child Together

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MLC Monster Re: When They Have a Child Together
#20: May 14, 2012, 09:32:11 AM
Since I'm in this small, but horrible little minority group, thought that I'd put my two-cents in too.  I truly thought that, in my situation at least, my last "hold" on my H was that I was the mother of his child.  I didn't expect a tramp, who is already a grandmother, to try and trap him with a baby...but she is the lowest of low and she did just that.  He was obviously a VERY willing participant in the game and will soon, sadly reap what he has sown.  I truly do feel for the little baby that will be born of an adulterous affair and also be a half-sibling to my dear little D2.  It was a final deal-breaker for me and it did cause me to end my stand...for good.  I honestly feel like it is giving me the closure that I needed to move on with my life once and for all.  I WISH that is was not the case...so badly...but, it is.  I realize that he will forever be in my life, since he is the father of my D2, but I could not deal with the other child on a constant basis and with OW always in the picture for the rest of my life...if my H ever did/does wake up.  Just can't do it. 

I don't know what it must feel like to not have shared children with your H and have them leave and have a child with OP.  It does put a different spin on it from my own situation even.  You have to do what is in your heart though and if it's leading you to move on, or stand....you need to follow it.  Everyone is different and there is no hard and fast rule for every situation.  I just know, for me...DEAL-BREAKER! 
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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#21: May 14, 2012, 10:02:12 AM

Hi With Hope! :)  Welcome back from your break. It's necessary, at times, to take breaks from being online. I do it all the time.


This new ( not really new anymore ) development in my situation, deep down inside of me, is a deal breaker, too. There's absolutely no way around it. It wasn't even my choice - he obviously broke the deal on his own.


It has been a long, numbing process of letting go. I haven't made that concrete decision to myself stating "I give up" but I don't even have to say that to myself. I know this is a healing process and it's gradual.


I don't know... today I am very numb. I feel empty. I can't even access my feelings.


I do feel like they had quite the celebration yesterday ( Mother's Day ) - He as a new dad and Op, mom to his first child. That's just what I feel. I do feel like he was feeling a tiny bit of guilt though, as he emailed me yesterday about meeting up in person; he responded to an email I sent him weeks ago asking if he'd like to meet in person. He simply said "yes". I didn't answer. What did he even expect me to say? ???
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« Last Edit: May 14, 2012, 10:08:19 AM by ✩StarGazerGirl✩ »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))

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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#22: May 14, 2012, 06:56:56 PM
Star, may I ask if you still want to meet him in person? If so, I believe he is expecting you to say you want to meet him in person.

But, if you meet in person, what will be the purpose of it?

Hope you’re feeling better.

Hugs
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#23: May 14, 2012, 08:15:51 PM



Hi Annej.


I wouldn't mind meeting up with him if I got the feeling that there was some sincerity in his very late... word, lol, but the vibe I got from him with that simple email was that he was only feeling a little guilty for that brief amount of time yesterday. I think he got over it already, now that the day is over.


If I ever do meet him again... I hope we could talk about why things turned out the way they did for us/him. That's taking into consideration that I believe he's having an mlc and I hope he wakes up one day. That day may never come or maybe he was never having an mlc to begin with.


I am feeling better :)  but mostly I'm very, very numb about it. I still haven't completely accepted it but I guess acceptance is inevitable. It's hard.





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Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))

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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#24: May 14, 2012, 11:21:25 PM
Hi SGG

Hope you are okay. I understand about being in the minority as I feel I am too.  I really feel for you in this situation. Although our situations are different they are also very similar.  Its like being kicked when you are down so much that you become numb.  I'm beginning to think it musn't be meant to be. 

My h left me and our 4 children (all planned), the smallest was age 2 at the time saying he never wanted 4 kids, people dont have 4 kids in this day and age, didnt want that kind of life etc. etc.  - He has now saddled himself with another! (almost anyway ow is approx. 5 mth preggers).  I know he DID NOT want any more but I also know he would never admit that. 

The funny part is I know that the ow wanted a baby in Jan 2011 because she told some of the team that worked there that she had the contraceptive pill thing removed from her arm at the hospital and this got back to me as my niece works there, it was common knowledge! (this was just before my h hooked up with her).

On finding out about the affair last September my son warned him and me and her ex boyfriend whom she already has a child with that she was trying
to trap him, however we were all the liars and she as honest as the driven snow!!

If it wasn't so sad it would be laughable.  I am beginning to agree with some of the people who have commented on your post though about no going back etc. as the pain is immense and it stings so bad. I loved him loads but unsure if I love him enough.  Would be so funny if he left her too but i still only see them walking into the sunset - this time witha pram in tow!

There is still a chance that the ow trapped your h/bf too.  I am so annoyed he is causing you such pain.  Please inbox me anytime with your thoughts'.

Hugs to you
SYBG
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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#25: May 15, 2012, 03:02:16 PM
Hi Star,

Hope you’re feeling better. Would say your husband is not yet on the point of sincerity.

He is most likely having a MLC but no one knows how long it will take. Maybe your conversation with him has to wait?...
But, for now, worry and look after you. Let him be.

SYBG, I think many times OW will become pregnant has a last resort, or has a way of ensuring the MCLer will, in the future, be by their side.

It is like when a couple is having troubles in the marriage and decides to has a baby to sort the issues in the marriage. Having a baby to sort issues in a marriage never works. Having a baby with OW never works, it only brings more mess into the picture and often condemns the MCler to remain with OW, they wanting it or not.
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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#26: May 15, 2012, 04:22:36 PM

Hi, since you've been gone. I'm doing better, thank you, but still somewhat in disbelief, to be honest; I'm a slow learner, lol. It's going to take a while for me to get over this completely or close to it.


I can't even imagine myself having four, planned children and having him leave with the youngest still being an infant. :-\ I'm so sorry you're going through it! That's like being on the opposite end of the spectrum regarding children involved in mlc. Sometime's, I don't even know if not having any children with him was a blessing to me. ???  It's a really tough idea for me to grasp... the what if we did have kids. All I know is that it hurts that I don't. It's hurts very badly either way, I guess.


At the very least, you know, almost certainly, that that Ow trapped your h since you know that she was trying to have a child already. I have no clue if that was the case with H. I think they planned it together though because, prior to bomb drop, he kept mentioning that he wanted a little one around. So, maybe that was part of his whole plan... find someone that will make a good mom. :(  I have no idea. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. ::)


Hi Annej. :)  I think, by the way he responded with such brevity and so late, it was not sincere but he did sent another email today asking if I "still wanted to talk". I really have to think about it... a lot. I can't decide if I want to tell him &^%& you or what. I've been praying for some guidance... and I have nothing. I have no pointers whatsoever. I have no strong feelings either way. I'm just numb and maybe dumb, too, lol.


Quote
It is like when a couple is having troubles in the marriage and decides to has a baby to sort the issues in the marriage. Having a baby to sort issues in a marriage never works. Having a baby with OW never works, it only brings more mess into the picture and often condemns the MCler to remain with OW, they wanting it or not.

I wonder if he was the one who thought to himself "this isn't the greatest relationship" ( I have no idea if it is or not ) "but maybe I can get a baby out of the deal"? I think he just wanted a baby-mama/friend with benefits. :o


It occurred to me that RollerCoasterRider didn't have children with her H before his mlc. I wonder what she would have done had her H's mlc resulted in a child. I wonder if that would have been a deal breaker for her.
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« Last Edit: May 15, 2012, 04:35:00 PM by ✩StarGazerGirl✩ »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))

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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#27: May 15, 2012, 05:10:55 PM
Hi Star,  :)

Looks like your husband is wanting to see you and to talk. Now it is up to you. But you do not have the obligation of doing it. What I think you will have to do is, in time, to tell him what you have choose to do. And I think it is ok to say, if that is what you feel, that no, not know. Now I no longer want to talk to you, I need time to myself and to think. I’ll let you know if/when I’m ready to talk.

You know your husband better than anyone so if you think he just wanted a baby-mamma/friend it may be possible. Just someone to have the baby with and then, one day, go back to Star? Who knows what is going on their heads… But I think usually it is OW who plays the baby thing. Not always, of course.

If I remember well (it is somewhere in the articles but I’m not DGU so can’t remember exactly where) RCR had, at a point, decided that if her husband would have a baby with the alienator she would be up to adopt the baby. But adopt a baby, of course, implies the mother allows for it.

In the past many men would return home, because they have been working away for a long time, because they have went to war, because they’ve had a MLC, because they’ve had a lover/affair and bought the love child home to be raised by the wife. I know some of those cases. Old ladies whose husband’s had bought home the love child. Some of those ladies had children of their own, some did not. But the times were different, usually the chidren were for a woman of an inferior social class that would have no means of raising the child.

Anyway, it is up to each of us to do what is best for us and what we want. We are only here to help and provide guidelines for each others, not to tell “you cannot accept your husband back because he had a child with OW when in MLC”.
Hugs,
A
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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#28: May 16, 2012, 07:28:06 AM
I remember one time my H (this was pre-BD, mind you) and I were discussing this sort of thing, about people wanting and having children so casually these days.  I asked something like Why would a man want a child with a woman he knows he's not going to have a permanent relationship with?  And my H was like Oh that is an easy one.  He's creating a long-term booty call.  I was like ??? and he explained to me when a man has a babymamma there's always a place to go when the woman he REALLY wants is for whatever reason not available to him.  I said But won't she hate him?  He said No, she has a daily reminder of him and it keeps those feelings of what could've been around so he can play on them.  Cynical but true in many of these cases I guess.  What is a bigger ego boost than knowing someone is gonna always open the door to you?  He won't care that it's desperation not forgiveness.
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Re: When They Have a Child Together
#29: May 16, 2012, 01:33:13 PM
Hi Star,  :)

Looks like your husband is wanting to see you and to talk. Now it is up to you. But you do not have the obligation of doing it. What I think you will have to do is, in time, to tell him what you have choose to do. And I think it is ok to say, if that is what you feel, that no, not know. Now I no longer want to talk to you, I need time to myself and to think. I’ll let you know if/when I’m ready to talk.

You know your husband better than anyone so if you think he just wanted a baby-mamma/friend it may be possible. Just someone to have the baby with and then, one day, go back to Star? Who knows what is going on their heads… But I think usually it is OW who plays the baby thing. Not always, of course.

If I remember well (it is somewhere in the articles but I’m not DGU so can’t remember exactly where) RCR had, at a point, decided that if her husband would have a baby with the alienator she would be up to adopt the baby. But adopt a baby, of course, implies the mother allows for it.

In the past many men would return home, because they have been working away for a long time, because they have went to war, because they’ve had a MLC, because they’ve had a lover/affair and bought the love child home to be raised by the wife. I know some of those cases. Old ladies whose husband’s had bought home the love child. Some of those ladies had children of their own, some did not. But the times were different, usually the chidren were for a woman of an inferior social class that would have no means of raising the child.

Anyway, it is up to each of us to do what is best for us and what we want. We are only here to help and provide guidelines for each others, not to tell “you cannot accept your husband back because he had a child with OW when in MLC”.
Hugs,
A


I responded to him last night and said "we should" ( have a talk, that is ). I kept it as short as possible to mirror him. What will I get out of talking to him...? Probably a headache! I may not get any answers from him at all but I want to know what he has to say now that it's all said and done. :-\  I definitely know that I don't have any obligation to listen to him. This is for me. Nothing can ever change what he did but one thing I want to know is if me not being able to give him a child was part of why he left. He probably won't give me the real answer but I want to ask him anyway. That's not a question I can ask through email but it's something I would like to know.


I do think he gets along pretty good with the Op, I don't know. I think they're friends. I feel like he wanted someone to hang out with who will allow him to do whatever he felt like doing. With me, I always tried to hold him accountable when I felt he hurt me. Perhaps I did that in all the wrong ways but I did the best I could. I guess for him, it wasn't fun.


That's very interesting about RCR saying she considered that outcome and would have adopted the child, if it came to that. :o That sounds almost... impossible. I would really like to read more about that just to have her perspective on the issue. I don't think I'd ever be capable, in any way, financially, emotionally, mentally, be able to get through something like that, personally.


I remember one time my H (this was pre-BD, mind you) and I were discussing this sort of thing, about people wanting and having children so casually these days.  I asked something like Why would a man want a child with a woman he knows he's not going to have a permanent relationship with?  And my H was like Oh that is an easy one.  He's creating a long-term booty call.  I was like ??? and he explained to me when a man has a babymamma there's always a place to go when the woman he REALLY wants is for whatever reason not available to him.  I said But won't she hate him?  He said No, she has a daily reminder of him and it keeps those feelings of what could've been around so he can play on them.  Cynical but true in many of these cases I guess.  What is a bigger ego boost than knowing someone is gonna always open the door to you?  He won't care that it's desperation not forgiveness.


I could definitely imagine him / them in this type of relationship dynamic. It's so sad. It's a pathetic way to live. Bleh.


He never did get back to me either. ::)

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« Last Edit: May 16, 2012, 01:36:39 PM by ✩StarGazerGirl✩ »
Me 35 ~ Pisces   
Him 37 ~ Gemini 
I was 13 ~ he was 15 ~ Together for 19 years. Doomed from the start?
We never married ~ no children ~ two cats ~ Bomb Drop ~ 6/22/09 ~ he left to be w/ the Op & Op's kid
Atomic Bomb Drop ~ 3/22/12 ~ found out they had a child in early February, 2012 ( 2 weeks before my BDay )

In 100 years, none of this will matter but time is still. (( hugs & prayers to all ))

 

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