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Author Topic: MLC Monster Cheating and affairs - some helpful info

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MLC Monster Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
OP: May 08, 2012, 04:56:43 PM
Found this website which I think has some very helpful messages for those who have experienced or are experience their spouse cheating on them through an affair:

http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/category/uncategorized/
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#1: May 08, 2012, 05:40:11 PM



Good site. Thanks for sharing it!
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#2: May 09, 2012, 01:03:33 AM
This really is good.  Especially in that it gets to the heart of identifying emotions and what they tell you.  And that you don't need to act on them, and so on.  Excellent. 
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#3: May 09, 2012, 02:27:15 AM
Good stuff. This one:

http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/2011/06/11/affairmations-getting-things-mixed-up/

in particular struck a chord with me. It perfectly describes why/how my ex-W turned to OM and having an EA after her parents' deaths, career & family upheavals. Instead of turning to me, she looked to someone else to 'fulfill her needs', or perceived needs; needs that she (eventually) told me I couldn't meet ("You can't meet my social and emotional needs"). It seems to me that she is running constantly to try to meet her needs and get affirmation - to OM (presumably), to her old college friends scattered around the country, to her colleagues and an older couple who seem to be acting like surrogate parents. But what happens when the music stops? 
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What am I supposed to say?
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#4: May 09, 2012, 07:04:06 AM
arp1, exactly my H's message to me. " You couldn't fulfill my needs".  He also complained a lot that his dad never affirmed him and his craziness started after his father passed away.
Soon after he left he also made comments like "Atleast some one tells me I'm good at .........".  I'd only just praised him on such a great job he did with installing our shower the week before he left.  And I know I had made many more.  he was a handy man and I always told people how clever he was.  Also told him I though he was handsome, great at leading the soup Kitchen group....and on and on.  It was me who encouraged him to purchase a new drum kit from the sale proceeds of MY house becuase I thought such a talented drummer should have his own kit and be playing!!!  Well, it went to his head.
He told me I had red skin on my face, so he bought me some cream to cover it.  Said I had saggy boobs.  Told me I was a nutcase when I cried after he got extremely angry with me. and so on.

It gets me how they said we didn;t quite meet their need for affirmation when they could easily dish out degrading comments.  I too found that post enlightening although I had read something similar about emotional needs not being met.  It certainly helps me to know that I could have tried harder to meet them and have him change his mind.
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T
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#5: May 09, 2012, 10:24:02 AM
Do you mean could have tried harder, or could NOT have tried harder??
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#6: May 09, 2012, 10:27:00 AM
Quote from: Trustandlove on May 09, 2012, 10:24:02 AM
Do you mean could have tried harder, or could NOT have tried harder??

StillPraying, I had the same question...

Interesting link.
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#7: May 09, 2012, 04:31:57 PM
Sorry folks,  It was very late when I posted and after a very long pre-school committee meeting.....

Yes, I meant I could have tried harder but never fulfill all his needs.  It did feel like a bottomless pit to me.  The more I gave, the more he needed.  I could never make him happy as he was always chasing more.  There was no contentment or peace.

SP
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#8: May 11, 2012, 06:22:57 AM
Quote from: Stillpraying on May 09, 2012, 04:31:57 PM
Yes, I meant I could have tried harder but never fulfill all his needs.  It did feel like a bottomless pit to me.  The more I gave, the more he needed.  I could never make him happy as he was always chasing more.  There was no contentment or peace.

SP

SP, this is how I've felt. Yes I could have tried harder at times and I know there were times when I did things wrong, but I could never fulfill all her needs and she bloody well knew that right from the start. Our life had evolved to a point where some of her needs just couldn't be met, e.g. large social groups to go out with every week like her student days - even now she has her 'freedom' they won't be met. She kept saying she wanted more. More of what? How much more? Like you say, there was no contentment. One of her stock phrases was "I want it all", but woe betide anyone who said she couldn't have it all because that was just being a drain and being negative. I think she'll never be content or truly happy because she lives in a fantasy world.
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What am I supposed to say?
Where are the words to answer you
When you talk that way
What am I supposed to do?
Where are the words that will make you see
What I Believe is true?

Neil Peart, Rush - "Spindrift"
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Re: Cheating and affairs - some helpful info
#9: May 11, 2012, 06:51:21 AM
That is the whole part of the affair and the MLCer viewpoint. They deserve it. Listen to the statements, "You don't meet my needs." But if you ask them what their needs are, "I don't know." OM/OW meets their needs temporarily but it soon wears off and they realize they are stuck with another person trying to meet their needs.

It is all a fantasy and when the fantasy becomes a reality, they then hit the road and run further away or they eventually hit rock bottom and then the transformation to a new identity can begin.
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