[OldPilot]

Honour, menopausal hormonal release only could only apply to women in menopause or peri-menopause. It could not apply for a man or a woman who is not near/or menopause.

Hormones are part of every MLC.
Men go through menopause starting at age 20 and lasting until 70
Women also have post partum  at earlier ages and perimenopause can last for years.
For some people this is all just a blip on the MAP.
Others go into crisis.
So I believe Honour is correct.

[Doc Hudson]

Honour is absolutely spot on.

[Anjae]

OP, unbalanced hormones are part of MLC, but I’m not certain if it is the hormones on themselves, or just the hormones that cause the crisis. I think it is hormones, several of them, not menopausal hormonal in particular, or just that hormone. If I’m not mistaken men have andropause… Ok, I’m being picky here…

Also, if the crisis was just a matter of hormones it would be easy to treat, all it was needed was to balance the hormones.

Trust, on some of his lucidity periods husband have said, several times, that he could not stop, otherwise he would start thinking and that, if he start thinking, he could not carry on, he would not be able to do what he is doing. So I know why he can’t stop keep himself busy, he will start to think. And when he will start to think… well…

Not certain if they always, and at every point in the crisis, express guilt. I have not seem my husband express guilt (or what I identify as guilt) in a long, long time. Maybe in over 4 years. He did express a lot of guilt in the beginning and right after OW1 was no more. Since OW2 turned up he never did it again.

You’re right, you are seeing what your friend lets you see so she can look “mild” when she is with you and not being mild at all with her husband. My husband is not so good at compartmentalising. He has meshed is professional & social & OW2. Everything is connected with the clubbing world. Not sure if he is able to tell things apart…

But your friends husband was not a super academic before, was he’ So he already did not measure up… Or he was, by then, the right balance to her over academic self…

Not all children are alike and not all can be brilliantly in academic terms. Also, some children cannot work more or more they work they will never be academically brilliant. Loosk like your friend wants all her children to her carbon copies…

Probably your friend is not seeing the light just like our husbands are not seeing the light. Some MCLers take many, many years to see the light. Your friend may end up finding herself husband less. He has a girlfriend. Not saying he will be with this girlfriend but if he founds someone he likes he may decide to keep her and when your friend’s crisis end it may be too late.

But the husband has been himself for ages, it was never that much of a problem, until the crisis broke. Like with all MCLers there is always something that the LBS always have/was that was never a problem until the crisis broke.

She goes doing whatever she wants just like all other MCLers, we have to deal with it and the children, finances, LBS health suffer with it. They’re really, really, selfish. Wish there was a way of sorting the crisis out or shorten it … But there is none we know of…

[Trustandlove]

Dug up this thread again; I recently met a friend who knows this family very well, and to whom their d's often turn for comfort and advice.

Apparently this MLCer keeps getting worse in her behaviour; from what I've been told even her daughters now think she's nuts.  One example was her excitedly telling her D18 about new men she had met, and so on.  That D18 wailed that it should be HER telling her mother things like that, not the other way around. 

Of course she presented to me a fairly "normal" face, even while I was hearing all of what I recounted.  But what her family sees is very different. 

What is sad here is that her H seems to be in a new relationship, and I don't think their d's are that happy about it, even if the new woman isn't a terribly harpy.  Of course, the girls either don't express their feelings, or they get dismissed as "normal when these things happen".  This friend of the family is very concerned that this new woman is going to get hurt, because she doesn't think that the H is really healed, and that he's just looking for his own type of band-aid. 

This to me highlights the importance of one parent remaining sane throughout this, and being a rock for the children.  And that lot falls to us, the LBS.... 

[honour]

Apparently this MLCer keeps getting worse in her behaviour; from what I've been told even her daughters now think she's nuts.  One example was her excitedly telling her D18 about new men she had met, and so on.  That D18 wailed that it should be HER telling her mother things like that, not the other way around. 

Of course she presented to me a fairly "normal" face, even while I was hearing all of what I recounted.  But what her family sees is very different. 

What is sad here is that her H seems to be in a new relationship, and I don't think their d's are that happy about it, even if the new woman isn't a terribly harpy.  Of course, the girls either don't express their feelings, or they get dismissed as "normal when these things happen".  This friend of the family is very concerned that this new woman is going to get hurt, because she doesn't think that the H is really healed, and that he's just looking for his own type of band-aid. 

Thanks for these insights T&L.

It always seems to be the family, the ones who love them the most who bear the brunt of the MLCer's madness. The MLCer somehow put on "a fairly "normal" face" for everyone else.

This to me highlights the importance of one parent remaining sane throughout this, and being a rock for the children.  And that lot falls to us, the LBS....

Even with my children at the ages they are I feel they are content that I haven't gone looking for a bandaid. The parents breaking up is a shock for the children at any age. They need time to come to terms the new family landscape. The LBS finding a new partner too soon after the break up compounds the children's shock.

honour

[bjc]

 
The LBS finding a new partner too soon after the break up compounds the children's shock.

honour

100 % in agreement here my friend.

[keepingthepeace]

Do you think maybe the people who were in denial about there past have the the hard time with it at midlife?  I know my husband was.  I knew mine wasnt functional.

[stayed]

 
The LBS finding a new partner too soon after the break up compounds the children's shock.

honour

100 % in agreement here my friend.

Hell, I will go further then that.  Finding a new partner too soon after the break up, compounds our OWN PERSONAL PROBLEMS as well.  WE are simply not HEALED enough to become a PARTNER to anybody.  Something like this, does unbelievable damage, damage that if not treated and handled with great care can plague and haunt one FOREVER! 

Sorry, I was not willing to risk that.  I did not want to destroy/hurt/effect anybody else.  I did not want to cause any more damage then had already been done.  For me, I definitely had to feel that I was healed and recovered from this, before I would have EVEN considered having another serious or heck even "casual" relationship. 

In my very soul, I knew this... I STILL DO!  In my opinion...we have choices too... so choose very, very wisely!

hugs Stayed

[arp1]

 
The LBS finding a new partner too soon after the break up compounds the children's shock.

honour

100 % in agreement here my friend.

Hell, I will go further then that.  Finding a new partner too soon after the break up, compounds our OWN PERSONAL PROBLEMS as well.  WE are simply not HEALED enough to become a PARTNER to anybody.  Something like this, does unbelievable damage, damage that if not treated and handled with great care can plague and haunt one FOREVER! 

Sorry, I was not willing to risk that.  I did not want to destroy/hurt/effect anybody else.  I did not want to cause any more damage then had already been done.  For me, I definitely had to feel that I was healed and recovered from this, before I would have EVEN considered having another serious or heck even "casual" relationship. 

In my very soul, I knew this... I STILL DO!  In my opinion...we have choices too... so choose very, very wisely!

hugs Stayed

I have to 'fess up' here and say that I did exactly this. While I think the kids were/are OK, it was a big mistake for me personally. It was a sticking plaster on an open wound, but I didn't see it that way to begin with. It took a couple of months to realise the mistake. I'm pretty ashamed of it to be honest.

[stayed]

I have to 'fess up' here and say that I did exactly this. While I think the kids were/are OK, it was a big mistake for me personally. It was a sticking plaster on an open wound, but I didn't see it that way to begin with. It took a couple of months to realise the mistake. I'm pretty ashamed of it to be honest.

My dear arp1, you deserve a MEDAL for volunteering that information.  You have totally validated something that I feel "CAN NOT BE STRESSED ENOUGH"... do not become involved until you FEEL you are recovered and healthy enough to seek out a new relationship. 

A bandaid won't fix our problems, probably the 6 million dollar rebuild wouldn't do the job.  Time is our friend.  As OP has stressed over and over and over again... we have been GIVEN a gift of time.  Squander it, at your own risk!

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience arp1.  Hugs, hugs and more hugs... Stayed