[Trustandlove]

I decided to put this here even if it isn't entirely relevant; it's not about the same woman.

Oh -- before I go further, I'll just say that the woman I've been talking about in this thread HAS contacted me again and asked to meet; not sure if I'll be able to right now, but it's interesting that she asks. 

Anyway, what I wanted to write about was someone I've mentioned every now and again -- I might have put it in some MLC stories, but I can't remember now.  It's a woman I know who was/is OW -- she took her man from his family with three children now many years ago.  It's been rocky, as we'd expect.  She's had 3 children, the oldest is something like 15.  From what I can gather he never really wanted them, he wanted to be her baby.

At any rate, she just today told me that they have separated.  She is paying for being OW, in a big way.  From what I know he never divorced his wife; I don't know if he's tried to go back but have a sneaking suspicion that that door is closed. 

I'm only writing this as an example of how life isn't great and wonderful for these OW, even if they have the baby (or more...).    She's had to do the earning as well as the child-rearing, not fun.  And that was even while he was still with her. 

I can't bring myself to be friends with this woman, although I am cordial, and as her children aren't at fault and one of her is friends with one of mine, I have contact occasionally. 

[Gallagher]

My H now was my "quick fix"  I was engaged to him before my first marriage was finalized.  They make you wait 3 months for a D (cool down period I believe) in our state.  First H was a college boyfriend who was beautiful, but had sex with many, many, many women.  As you may guess, he cheated on me (with his assistant manager who was my friend too).  We were only married 16 months but engaged 2 years and dated in college.  No kids, thank goodness.   He never remarried but had children with a woman in TX and come home to WA to sleep with another one for a long time. 

If I had to do it over again I would have made myself take a solid year and just work on me.  Instead I rescued my current H from a $hitty relationship right away.  I worked with my current H and EVERYONE loved him.  He was so quite, shy, tall, smart.  We had been friendly and flirty (as everyone was in this young software com).  I jumped right from the fire to the flames.  And I'm paying for it 18 years and 3 kids later.  It all catches up to us I guess.

[Anjae]

Being OW/OM will never be easy on the mid-long run. They have separate and/or divorce from us, no reason why they would not separate/divorce from OW/OM.

Makes sense that man first wife (or still wife) as closed her door.

Well, I was 18 when I meet my husband, then boyfriend and he was 17. So, not sure what I’m paying for… but if I knew what I know now, that he was going to have a MLC, I would had not married him. 

[trusting]

Well, I was 18 when I meet my husband, then boyfriend and he was 17. So, not sure what I’m paying for… but if I knew what I know now, that he was going to have a MLC, I would had not married him.

We were barely 19 when we met.  I struggle a lot with that question - would I have married him had I known?  Of course, it is a moot point since I had no idea he was capable of this.  We had many great years together but the pain of the last 3.5-4 has made that so hard to remember.

[Anjae]

We did not knew they were going to have a MLC. We've has some great 20 years together and 10 of marriage. If I knew he was going to have the crisis I would be fine with the 7 years of dating and the 3 of coabitation. No marriage.

Also, if I knew it was going to be as it has been has soon as OW1 was a certanty I would had divorced him at once. Would not have done what I did, thinking rushing into divorce when you're on a huge emotional turmoil is not a good think. It is not a good thing but not have done it was much worst for me.

So, maybe that is what I'm paying for, not had divorced him pretty fast.

[superdog]

Hey, just wanted to say I was 19 and he was 22 and if I knew then what I know now I don't think I would have married him either.  Whatever great things that went before have all been tarnished for life now. It would take a miracle for me to be able to see things how I saw them before.

Only in hindsight can you equate the niggly things that used to get to you about the mlc'er to the mask they have been wearing to hide who they really were. I know it was a self preservation thing but I feel it was deception all the same. Did we really know who we married?

Sad but true.

Sd
X

[Anjae]

superdog, we knew them as well as it is possible to know someone. 20 or more years is a lot of time. No one can hide their true self for that long, let alone in intimacy.

The crisis changed them. And, yes, it tarnished what was before. Even if I know we were happy and things were, overall, good. But that was long, long ago.

And whatever fantastic times may be ahead I don't think they erase the crisis ones. Of course this depends of how deep their crisis was and of how much damage they caused.

[superdog]

I may just be referencing my own h. He said to me not so long ago that he never let me see who he was and the -ve things I saw were a slip and mistake on his part and that I was never meant to see that.

This is the reason my h is having such a hard internal crisis because he lived so far away from who he really is. He has lived a stressful existence up till now trying to be mr lovable and used some guy he created who was fun and bubbly. He said he used to cry when he was alone. Never once did I see him cry or did he mention or show he was affected by anything. So did I know him, no not the real guy. I fell in love with the persona he created.

My h is PA and avoids true intimacy. So I feel a bit cheated to be honest.

I know why he did this, he knows too and this crisis can only be a good thing for my h in this respect IF he recognises the real cure.

How can someone return to a self confessed fake persona?

Sd
X

[Ready2Transform]

With mine, he also claims I "never really knew him" in our 21 years, which is b.s.  It's MLC speak.  One of the things he left behind were years worth of journals.  I even told him I was reading them, and he didn't care.  In them he is the man I met and married, loved forever, always will.  Telling us we didn't know them is trying to incite distance.  They're trying to motivate us to be the ones to make the moves, to be so angered by the 'big lie' that we run away, leaving them blameless.

But it's true, we didn't know Monster (whether it's Monster, Puppy Monster, or Charming Monster, from the articles).  It's no different than if the Incredible Hulk told Bruce Banner's wife, "You never knew me!".  Same blood coursing through the veins...but that's a different being talking.  And Monster would tell us anything to keep possession of our spouses. 

[Anjae]

Mine never said I did not knew him instead that “I have never understood him”. Rubbish. Not only I know I did but I have tons of letters and e-mails that prove I did. Plus, if I did not understand him how did we manage to do creative/artistic joint projects that depend of full understandment for 20 years? We had got to the point when no words were need, we understand each other just with a look, a smile, a gesture.

I have seen mine being frail and cry many times since we meet. Oddly I never saw him cry during the months pre-BD when he was already involved with OW1. He keep writing her how he was crying when he read her letters but I think he was crying of despair and depression. And mine knew he was depressed. He told me so pre and post BD.