[OldPilot]

What I think is interesting is even if you are dark therre can be communication though LL. I was dark with my W, my LL is PT and hers is AOS. She kept doing AOS for me, after she got out of replay. Cooking dinner, washing clothes. All things she would not do during replay.
So even though you may be NC/dark/dim, communications thru LL are still possible.

At least thats the way it worked for me.

[MarkedandHealed]

You know what's weird, my H sometimes does AOS for me lately, but he didn't before when he was first becoming monster.

I wonder if that's a clue that he'd accept AOS back from me during those times.

Good food for thought.

[OldPilot]

I don't know about him accepting them from you, but he is sending you a message through AOS.
Now you just need to keep giving him space and let him process through his crisis.

[D Money]

I think my wife has done the same with me in the past. I remember times where she would do things that I was like "Why would she do this for someone she doesn't want to be with?" I always took it as her subconscious telling me that she still loved me.

[MarkedandHealed]

I agree OP and D, sometimes the subconscious speaks to us... but we LBS's need to make sure we are not reading too much into it either. It's a balancing act for sure.

Good posts!

[OldPilot]

I would not take any action on this but file it away with some confidence that they are working their way thru the tunnel.

[Trustandlove]

Now my H has recently gone back to occasionally doing small AOS for me, as I've described in my long, rambling posts.... -- it's his LL, not mine, but still.  He didn't do that for years.  But then he goes off like young free agent again....

[watching and waiting]

Quote


I seem to exist again; just tiny things, most could be construed as just plain politeness rather than anything more.


·         We're talking, meeting occasionally for coffee.

·         When in the house, he stayed to keep me company while I cooked rather than sit in the living room watching TV with the kids.

·         He noticed my haircut.

·         He asked a little about my work.

·         He has been opening up about how he feels -- work things mostly.
Also he gave me hints about his Replay activities and how they might be coming towards an end.
He was really down and I was sad to see him like that.

I have copied the above from the coaching section and edited it to fit my sitch. 
I am seeing all of the above things but I know OW is still around.   It feels so much like reconnection, however I have been told before that if OW is still around, it is still replay. 
I have seen touch and go's in the past.  This seems much more than that.

I am going to remain detached and patient and just see what happens.
I think this could be the beginning of Liminality possibly.
Can you help RCR??

Thankyou so much

[Storm Rider]

Hi Just Asking,

Interesting thread!

My H is one of the big cyclers, he goes back and forth between the stages (noticed by everyone in his life), and also has touch and goes about every three months, as well as being I guess a drop in (he has been in replay over two years). In the last month, for the first time, and after a series of big negative events in his life, he has accepted 100% responsibility for his actions and says none of this is my fault. OW is still around, although his current focus and who he wants to spend most time with are his kids. He is about to move into his own house and we are about to legally separate.

During the three month touch and goes, he also cycles back towards his own family just as much as me.

A different way I look at the MLC process is that during Denial, the decision was made that the old life path was responsible for his unhappiness and a new life path was needed, Anger provided the energy to take action to the new life path, and Replay is trying out that life path, or several paths. The touch and goes are checking out the old life path, but the decision is still made to live the new one. The Awakening is reexamination of the question "has the the new life path provided happiness" and for the first time, objectively "what was my old life path really like?" Once these questions can be answered, then it seems to me that reconnection can occur.

With the touch and goes, and all of H's cycling through the stages, I observe the length and intensity of that activity over a period of months or compared to several of the last events to see if progress has occurred. Having said that, I have also seen him cycle back into Anger, for example, after replay has settled down, so he is moving to the beat of his own drum and there is no way of knowing the stage until looking back with hindsight.

With the current acknowledgement of responsibility , I would see it a positive step, but would want to see it as a dominant action over a period of months before considering it was "on the table" so to speak. This is based on his previous cycle patterns, some MLCers might go straight to another stage.

I could envisage H starting to try to reconnect with me before he broke up with the OW (Yellow Roses H seemed to do that), based on current journey. That is, of course, if he chose to reconnect, which he has never indicated he would since bomb drop. But since in straight forward affairs there is an affair fog that remains for months after a break up, I do not see how he would be in a position objectively consider his old life path until that fog lifts, let alone the MLC fog.

[HeartsBlessing]

It feels so much like reconnection, however I have been told before that if OW is still around, it is still replay. 
I have seen touch and go's in the past.  This seems much more than that.

I'm not RCR, but I will give you my take on this.


It looks like something is happening that is leading toward the awakening process within him...now, they can draw backwards from that, and continue to cycle back and forth, until they are READY to begin that process.  It is not a true reconnection, but close enough that you see "signs" they are coming forward a little more within the tunnel.

When he starts through the awakening process, the OW is usually the first thing to go, as she no longer "fits" in with his life, or he's "finished" with whatever he was trying replay through her, if that is the case...whichever way this goes, OW/OM/OP ends up booted...now, I KNOW each crisis is different, BUT in the ones I have observed personally, including my own, the wrongs begin to be put right as the MLC'er begins the process of ending the affair...and it's NOT easy; the affair itself is addictive...and a lot of pain is gone through on both sides of the MLC'er AND the OW as the ties that literally strangle the life out of the MLC'er are cut apart, and the MLC'er separates themself from the affair/OW.

Most of the time SHE is in hot pursuit..it is much easier if she would break it off, and leave him alone, but alas, it is not always this way...and he has to gather his strength to make the break....and it takes nearly ALL he has to do that.....it is much easier to let things go the way they go, but when the urgency is there within him to make this break, he HAS to make it....he is literally FORCED to do it, and that makes him unhappy, too....but some will obey that urgency, and I'm glad they do; 'cause if they didn't..well, ALL MLC'ers who get mired within an affair would stay there, and no one would come on through the tunnel.

What you're seeing, is him TRYING to come forward, and the best thing to is to let things unfold in the way they should, regardless if he tries once or 50 times to come forward, and falls backward...it is normal to cycle back and forth, as coming forward requires processing/decision at each step....and it can be slow; unless the MLC'er gathers enough strength to do what needs to be done, coming forward more quickly.

He was really down and I was sad to see him like that.

Don't be sad; he must needs to do this for himself, and the depression he goes into; first the OW Withdrawal, and the true stage of Depression are necessary for him to continue to come forward and grow within himself.

This can be a slow process as it goes, so you'll need to dig deeper for patience, and do NOT show him pity..he doesn't want that, especially from you...this popped into my head for no reason I can understand...be understanding, show him love and care, but no pity.  Validate his feelings, be there for him...and I pray that when he dumps OW, he doesn't look back.....it causes a serious setback when someone "cycles" within the affair, going back and forth between the LBS and the OW, mostly because of the addiction that is felt, and the MLC'er really has it hard because he feels somewhat responsible for OW...in a way, he WAS responsible for the position they are both in, but she has her part, too.

The frustrating thing is the fact that the LBS can do NOTHING for the MLC'er as he is breaking down the affair...he has to do this himself; and the LBS wants nothing more than to give the OW notice, but it can't be done that way.

Wait and watch the situation as it goes, patience and prayer is all that's needed here.