[Still]

I think the hugging and touching of the kids is wonderful.

My H has always been a very good father. He is very hands-on and involved in all their interests.

He was always a very affectionate H to me, prior to MLC. For some reason, after he gave me the speech, he stopped being affectionate completely. It really hurt that he would jump back if I got too close to him. I finally stopped trying to be affectionate completely.

However, where the kids are concerned, he has become very huggy and affectionate with them. It is almost like he transferred the love he once had for me to increase his love for them. It is wonderful for them.

I wish I could understand some of these things.

[Trustandlove]

My H was always the most affectionate man alive to me -- that is one of the things that I miss most.  Even a few days before he left he was stressing the importance of family, and we were having 'family hugs'.  He is still very affectionate to the children, always has been.  It's just me that he won't touch.  Although I did get a hug (first in about 18 months...) a few weeks ago.

One of his primary love languages is physical touch, and it hurts me to know that he won't let me show him that. 

[Still]

Although I did get a hug (first in about 18 months...) a few weeks ago.

I think that is big. I know many MLC'ers continue to be affectionate with their spouses. My H has not been like that. I tried to hug him at Thanksgiving and he was stiff and non-responsive. I don't know why really. It hurt me enough that I have never attempted it since.

[rdy2livagn]

H will sometimes hug me. If I touch him first he usually moves away so I don't touch him. That keeps me from feeling rejected. I also feel that he has replaced me with D. Great for her because she gets attention and feels loved. Sucks for me. Physical touch is my love language. When I see him and we are getting along I really want to be affectionate with him but I keep my distance. Guess I am not alone in this.....

[Still]

Physical touch is my love language. When I see him and we are getting along I really want to be affectionate with him but I keep my distance. Guess I am not alone in this.....

Definitely not. Physical touch is my love language, too. In fact, so many times I have thought if my H would just hug me I would just melt and all would be okay. I think he knows how important physical touch is to me and he "doesn't want to give me hope" for a future. Ouch!

[rdy2livagn]

Same here Still. H knows physical touch is my love language. I read the book a few months ago and shared it with him. He agrees that physical touch is my language and does not want to give me any sense of hope. Says without a doubt he is done. Yep I could melt with a hug too.

[MarkedandHealed]

Ditto ditto ditto... pt for me also, and H will not let me touch him for the world.

[rdy2livagn]

Last summer I told H that ALL that I wanted was for him to come to bed at some point in the night and hold me. If he would do that I would not complain about anything. Lasted about a week. I gave up and quit complaining any way. Figured there was no point since he already knew. Hard to understand because it just seems so simple. Not really asking for much....

(((Hugs))) Still & M&H

[Trustandlove]

Interesting.  My H also read the love languages book; his two are physical touch and acts of service, and he's not sure in which order.  Mine are words and time, again, I'm not always sure in which order -- with touch right up there as well.  When he read the book he said he thought mine was time (this was nearly 2 years ago now....) but he didn't spend a lot of time thinking about my side of it. 

Some of that book made me think what a dolt I had been -- for example I would almost on principle never iron his shirts (my feminist upbringing....not wanting to be his mother...  I could groan at how misguided that idea was) -- it truly hadn't occurred to me that that could be an act of love.  I was always very free with the physical affection, though. 

Even H said at the time that "it's not rocket science" -- thought it made a lot of sense. 

So now I could do some acts of service, although I'd risk the martyr thing, but he's not letting me near the physical. 

This also brought up the pursuer vs. the pursued that HB talks about in her lesson on 'becoming the opposite'.  If that applies to me, then previously during our marriage I was the pursued -- would that mean that now I need to become the pursuer? 

Would initiating contact/ideas on what to do be the thing to do in his current state, i.e. if this really is some kind of reconnection, would it be seen as an act of service, a show of not rejecting him, or would it be the wrong kind of pursuit? 

[MarkedandHealed]

If you want to try some acts of service, do so. Then watch and see what happens. Everyone is different. My H's LL is acts, and he will not let me do anything for him now. He knows I do them deliberately as mine is PT and he doesn't want to lead me on by allowing me to do acts for him... or perhaps he doesn't want me to suck him back in or something else just as silly.

Give it a try, wait, see the results, and then decide if it was a good or bad thing.