[Mermaid]

It sounds like your H is still growing up, Hyper.

Chickpea, like a lot of MLC behaviour, it's probably got nothing to do with getting rid of you, and a lot to do with finding his inner space. The LBS is collateral damage.

[I believe in angels]

Hi my h is a classic passive aggressive personality and I agree he probably did have these traits before but they have been worse since his MLc. A good book I have is 'overcoming passive aggression' a real eye opener. Gives you some tips of handling yourself against the anger and also what not to do with the passive aggressive, such as enabling. I would recommend anyone to read this, my h just really needs and probably needed to know and be confident in himself that he could say no and also that he could be independent, he is showing some signs of improvement but us still very dependent on others to make him happy.

[hyperglad]

It sounds like your H is still growing up, Hyper.

Agreed Mermaid, but aren't most of them...they are like spoilt children, I want this and i don't really care about you or the kids....although they don't see it like that , they see themselves as self sacrificing  my H said many times (earlier on) how he had been so unselfish and this was now his time 

Hi my h is a classic passive aggressive personality and I agree he probably did have these traits before but they have been worse since his MLC.

Mine too    I didn't realise.

Thanks for the book tip GH I will download it onto my new kindle...Great as they cant see what you are reading 

my h just really needs and probably needed to know and be confident in himself that he could say no and also that he could be independent

Yes my H told me this before he moved out...the only problem was because he never really went far i don't think he did all the work he should have and now thinks everything is fixed  and when i tell him I don't feel it is...he wants to run again 

[Mermaid]

It sounds like your H is still growing up, Hyper.

Agreed Mermaid, but aren't most of them...they are like spoilt children, I want this and i don't really care about you or the kids....although they don't see it like that , they see themselves as self sacrificing  my H said many times (earlier on) how he had been so unselfish and this was now his time 

Many of them are. I suppose your H is like mine in that his CB behaviour and even his passive aggressivity show that they have a hidden need for love and acceptance, but that they are inept in how the deal with intimate relationships.

We tolerated this for years (I labelled it as stress/ introversion), and there must be a reason for this. I often get to points now that I never expected to get to, when I question whether this R is what I want for the rest of my life. I realise that H filled a void in my life, and I loved the security he gave me. Now he has shown himself to be so unstable, showing such disregard for me, and come back home again, I am much less tolerant of his emotional ineptness, and much more independent of him. I suppose something similar is happening to you.

My H has made changes, but withdraws into his shell, more so when I feel angry with him. He needs me, but fears being absorbed by me, or controlled by anyone, which relate to his R with his domineering mother/absent father. I get very down trying to have a R with someone who won't discuss what's wrong, refuses to compromise, and who is focussed on himself. This weekend (after consulting the iChing), I made just small in-roads. I practiced direct, assertive techniques, but with a light touch. It seemed to make a difference. H eventually washed the dishes he'd been promising to do since lunchtime, and apologised for overreacting to me at one point.

Meanwhile, I'm still working on myslef, detaching (again), GALing (again), and meditating. I've been reading a book called Gamma Healing, and using its TAPPING exercises to help me. (I'll do a book review when I've finished it).

[hyperglad]

I get very down trying to have a R with someone who won't discuss what's wrong, refuses to compromise, and who is focused on himself.

] Amen Sista 

We had an almighty fight and i told him to leave i had had enough , go and let me find some peace...he sulked for days, but once i let it go he is back to his happy self. During the fight he told me he was unhappy. I said no you are confused....its me who's UNHAPPY you are just unhappy i want to talk about it. I am letting it go for a bit, doing my own thing, but like you I think I may be nearing the end of my R with my H...sad...but maybe the only way for me to be truly happy again.

 

[I believe in angels]

Hi again I know what you mean about wanting your life back, this shy you do hzvrvto concentrate on yourself a bit and be a little bit selfish. Once in a while is ok. Although the book 'overcoming passive ahgression' is good, I read 'the angry child' first and it does explain a great deal as well about anger and why people get angry. Again it has helped me understand and to be honest has helped my relationship with my growing boys, one who us a year off 13 but already showing teenage angst. Fantastic insight to the ways of a child that can be used on the 'childlike' minds of our MLc ers a bit.

[Mermaid]

We must also realise why we get angry.

I actually get furious with H when he says that, because he thinks that my anger comes from within me and has nothing to do with what he says or does. Of course I will get furious when he spends all weekend with his headphones in, listening to music and making jokes with FB friends. Of course I will get mad when he tells me what to do all the time, but stonewalls if I make a comment. I get mad at his lack of ability to acknowledge his own mistakes, to say sorry, pay a compliment...

On the other hand, he's got a point. Just one. Our reactions always belong to us, even if they are justified. Our anger isn't their anger. We feel angry because we want them to behave in a different way. And somewhere, deep down inside, is our own angry child. We are subconsciously replaying something from our own past, too.

We need to detach, GAL, and set boundaries (different to those we set when they were in replay). We need work on our own inner calm (I'm not so good at that), and be prepared to let them be who they are, or let them go, without being angry. If we are angry, it's because we still want something from them, something they are (for now) unable to give. So if we tell them to go in a moment of anger, it's because we are not done yet. See what I mean? I've also got to that point.

It's a hard path, this reconciliation business.

[hyperglad]

If we are angry, it's because we still want something from them, something they are (for now) unable to give. So if we tell them to go in a moment of anger, it's because we are not done yet. See what I mean? I've also got to that point.

Yes this is very true...and since i have decided i want nothing from him at the moment (and totally detached) I have a far greater peace inside me (I don't feel down at all) and he is resonating towards me....I am just being polite, he, as i said before is calling me, sitting with me, coming to bed earlier   chit chatting. As you say because i am not angry with him he can tell.


I have to remember there is no OW, he is home with me each night...he is just not moving at the pace i want...I guess i need to have a bit more patience before i make any rash decisions. 

[Mermaid]

I have to remember there is no OW, he is home with me each night...he is just not moving at the pace i want...I guess i need to have a bit more patience before i make any rash decisions. 

That was good when they first came back, but it's good to remember (although it's not enough). We waited, accepted them back, and there was a reason for that. Now we are wondering why.

There are reasons, though, aren't there? Can you rerember them?

The only way this can work is to detach, not be angry, but set firm boundaries: no passive aggressive abuse. Once again, I take my cues from you, Hyper. You detach well.