[kikki]

Forget everything I posted. I was just playing with my 18 month old nephew. He pointed his finger at me and said, "Bad boy".

Out of the mouths of 'Babes' Ready 

Thundar, I was just thinking about what you wrote below, along with having followed your thread and understanding your questioning of these traits in yourself before:

My W would actually describe me as alpha and I've had co-workers describe me as such as well, but in the way that I come across as confident and secure to the point of almost seeming arrogant or idealistic at times.  My W was attracted to the fact that I am outspoken and opinionated and will often throw my hat into a ring knowing that a fight will likely ensue.  She used to say that I stood up for my beliefs and she loved that about me, but expressed disdain for herself in that she was not outspoken and did not have the courage to present her true self to those she was not comfortable with.  Ironically, it seems that she now brags to me when she does or handles things the way she would perceive that I would such as standing up to someone who is being a jerk to her.  In some ways it's almost as if she is using me as a template to emulate.

I didn't hold back on expressing myself as she never indicated she found it UNattractive, but I remember D19 was the one who had a problem with me being emotional.  When she graduated from her middle school she told me if she looked back and saw me crying she would come back there and punch me.  She and W both have always seemed to have difficulty expressing sad emotions, but on the other hand tend to dwell more on them.  I always took W to just be more of an upbeat, happy person but realize now that she may have been avoidant.  Well, she WAS avoidant I should say.

It is a natural part of our processing, to consider what our MLCers said to us at BD and during monster, and to take the kernals of truth and dissect them for ourselves. 
I know I have done the same thing.  Like you, I was the one to express myself, I was the more expressively confident one, and my MLCer was far less so.  What they are hopefully learning is to acknowledge this inability in themselves and heal that. 
Recently my MLCer has acknowledged that he never understood his own emotions and what he was feeling, and apologised to me for never expressing the truth of how he felt. How he always plastered on his 'happy' face instead, even when I was saying that can't be right.
He now knows how destructive that was.  Where to from here?  I'm not sure, but it does show hope. 

It's suggested that we do 180's and become the opposite of what we were, and to consider how we need to change for ourselves.  I do believe this leaves us naturally a little 'lost at sea'.  We need to find our equilibrium again and to eventually find ourselves standing on strong ground once more.

This of course all takes time. At 29mths post BD, I am only relearning to speak my mind again to my H.  (Him occasionally being able to hear it without monstering at me does help of course, but I am no longer feeling guilty for having an opinion.)  Post BD he called me controlling, and so I have had to look at that seriously and learn to express myself without having any expectations of others to follow suit.

I see the above as you trying to make sense of this balance for yourself, and I'm confident that you'll find that balance for yourself too. 

PS- The website didn't impress me either. 

[Stillpraying]

The website didn't impress me either and I feel it is shallow.
I would applaud Ready's comment's.  I'm glad to hear a man stand up and make that statment.
I have recently discovered the 'Pink Cross' foundation.  Look them up.  They reach out to Porn stars to get them out of the business.  Very eye opening and without a doubt proves it is all fantasy and sheer abuse of women and also men.  Using other human's for one's personal gratification without regard for them.

SP

[Phoenix]

Thundarr,
There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to what a woman or a man is looking for in a relationship. Some women like men who may be described as more "Alpha," others like the "Betas." Some men prefer women who are meek and subservient, and others prefer assertive, "take charge" women.  Some people prefer tall, some prefer short. Some prefer a slender frame, others like women with curves and men with a bit more meat on their bones. To each their own.

It seems what most people hope for in a love relationship cannot be reduced to Alpha or Beta, but looks more like: mutual respect, intelligence, humor, fun, a healthy sex life, an equal power balance and sharing of responsibilities, shared or compatible interests and values, good two-way communication, honesty, loyalty, commitment, a dash of romance and spontaneity, validation, compassion, commitment and a mature, lasting love.

Phoenix

P.S. The cruel remark your wife made about you expressing emotions only illustrates the dark miserable place she was in, not a fault in your actions. Pretty much all MLCErs do this to the LBS and/or the children. I've received my share and they do  hurt, but don't hold onto that incident, Thundarr. It will only weigh you down.