[MyBrainIsBroken]

Come across this article: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11 - Science Says Lasting Relationships come down to 2 basic traits - kindness and generosity

from the article "The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs."

Since most of us here have been married/partnered for decades, what happened to our spouses kindness and generosity? How did it erode? Yes, yes, MLC. 

From the article: We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

My wife was still responding positively to my good news several months after BD and I have treated her with kindness and generosity both before and after BD. Two indicators of a relationship that is going to last. Still I was served with divorce papers six months after BD, 5 days after she enjoyed herself and gave me a nice gift at a family Christmas party at our house. MLC is totally wacky.

[Songanddance]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201408/are-we-being-ruled-our-toddler-brains


Excellent article put on HT's thread by Kikki.

[Songanddance]

Bump for the newbies who have arrived in the last few days.

This thread is an extra resource for you and is in addition to the fantastic articles on the main body of this site.

This might also help too.
http://savethemarriage.com/stmblog/2014/07/5-steps-to-through-midlife-marriage-mess/

[Sunny]

Just wanted to share this, I first saw this on Gimlan's page. I have read RCR's article about distance/pursuer but this seemed to make so much sense to me and clarified for me the real implications for pursuing and what it looks like. I've now stopped being "kind" and replaced with bare bones politeness. Very eye opening.

http://www.joanmarielartin.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/distancer.pdf

[Songanddance]

Thanks Sunny,

Second page in - the above is an excellent article.

Get past the flowery metaphoric first few paragraphs - and it is stunningly accurate and really supports what RCR has written. Really clear. Newbies - this is a must read.

[superdog]

Oh yeah, extremely accurate i would say.

Would like to know what happens when a pursuer meets another pursuer. Any ideas?

I liked how it showed up that the distancer is predominantly lonely and depressed from the start . When i distanced my h did not pursue as such, he went in search of another pursuer instead.

Sd

[Searching4Answers]

That article was a real eye opener. I didn't realize how much of a pursuer I was. I am glad that I am more aware of that behavior now.

I liked how it showed up that the distancer is predominantly lonely and depressed from the start . When i distanced my h did not pursue as such, he went in search of another pursuer instead.

That is exactly what my H did

[Songanddance]

This isn't a link or article but it is probably the best song yet to describe the LBS journey. Jesse J (who is a young woman I admire tremendously as she grafts and earns her accolades) this is her latest song. Read the lyrics - they are possibly the mantra of the month!

So much pressure
Why so loud?
If you don't like my sound
You can turn it down
I got a road
And I walk it alone
Uphill battle
I look good when I climb
I'm ferocious, precocious
I get braggadocios
I'm not gonna stop
I like the view from the top

You talk that blah blah, that la-la, that rah-rah $h!te
And I'm so done, I'm so over it
Sometimes I mess up, I f-up up, I hit and miss
But I'm okay, I'm cool with it

I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't colour inside the lines
'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
And I, I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait
No, you haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece

Those who mind don't matter
Those who matter, don't mind
If you don't catch what I'm throwing
Then I leave you behind

Gone in a flash
And I ain't living like that

They talk that blah blah, that la-la that rah-rah $h!te
Go with the punches, and take the hits
Sometimes I mess up, I f-up up, I swing and miss
But it's okay, I'm cool with it

I still fall on my face sometimes
And I can't colour inside the lines
'Cause I'm perfectly incomplete
I'm still working on my masterpiece
And I, I wanna hang with the greats
Got a way to go, but it's worth the wait
No, you haven't seen the best of me
I'm still working on my masterpiece

[Still Kicking]

This isn't about MLC--it is about Addiction.  But if valid, I thought it had some good points to ponder as it relates to MLC.  It would explain why an extremely unhappy person would become addicted to an OP.  It might also explain why the LBS getting a life and being happy would be an attractive force.   There are some other thoughts I had but I decided to throw it out there and see what others come up with.    Anjae may be able to shed some light as to if what the author says about Portugal is true. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/johann-hari/the-real-cause-of-addicti_b_6506936.html

[Hmmm]

I completely agree and my year of smoking after BD illustrates it.

I used it for comfort and 'me time'. I only crave them when hurt or angry recently.

It's exactly the same with comfort food. After the initial huge weight loss, I now eat nonsense in the evenings when bored or lonely. When I am busy or looking forward to something, I eat healthily.

Food, cigarettes, alcohol and even coffee act like surrogate friends to me!