[toughtimes]

This is just what I was wondering? Why am I standing for a man who has cheated, lied and betrayed me and my children? I am pretty angry today and keep wondering if my stand shows a lack of self respect.
Truth is I agree with truly. But above all I feel like my H is a different person. Not sure how lOng I will last, not sure I can do this for years. Sometimes I wonder if I will meet someone new and fall in love, I don't want that for me or my kids, but I am open to it in a kind of fairy tale way. And we all know fairy tales are fiction. It seems to have happened for my H so why not me !!!!!!!!
Aaaaargh this is such a confusing and devastating part of my life but I am surviving and growing and beginning to thrive. I have compassion for my H but I am also pretty angry at times. It's my kids I am angry with him for, but if he's not himself I can empathise and understand.
I don't think I will last years like many here but I will take each day as it comes. It's all so weird!

[forthetrees]

I wavered for a long time and did Stayed´s 3 month rule- it takes nine months of asking yourself every three months whether you´re in or out. For me, having h´s newly adopted stray rip off a part of my lip, having h make anti-semitic remarks, being ditched in the ER, and having h refuse to put me back on his insurance with a likely and then confirmed MS dx, all that, finally, allowed me to let go. Maybe all that was a "gift" in actually allowing me to let go.

The further you get from the initial craziness, the more you realize that you are not the cause and that you deserve to have your needs met in a R. My h does not see himself as having any sort of mental issue and has left his former life behind. I "honor" his request to be treated as if he has no illness in how I interact- now only via email. I realize now, that he will always lie to tell people what they want to hear and the odds of him doing the work to ditch the passive aggressive conflict avoiding behaviors are about nil- too much work.

I stand and stood for me, to heal from the inside out, to regain the ability to trust and love and with an open heart. Yea, I´ve got scars- if I wore them on my face, I´d look like one of those tribal people in Natl. Geographic, but hey, in their culture, those scars are considered beautiful. We all have been through the MOST painful experience and we keep on going. Yes, as Ready says, it makes you more empathetic and less judgmental. That´s a silver lining as well as meeting the amazing people on this site. I still come here b/c of you all. I realize that without kids, it changes things a lot and I am thankful not to have to see the damage inflicted on kids. That would make me very angry. I have stuck to my "better, not bitter" mantra and it results in a healthier me.

Whether you like it or not, every day past BD you are moving on in a sense, ´cause if you´re not, you are wallowing.

FTT

[kikki]

Thirdly - my children. I don't know how to give them focus, look after my home, and my job and also build a relationship with someone else. How on earth do these MLCers do it? Where do they find people happy to be part of that? It's juggling too much. I don't know how I feel about introducing another person into their lives, or how I would be with a partner's children.

BNW - I'm always amazed at the MLCers who do still have the children in their lives, because my H managed this by ditching all parental responsibility (apart from financial), so that he had plenty of time for his new life with the new people in it. 

He has popped in and out of their lives at his leisure, when it suits him.  They definitely are coming off a very poor fourth after his work, the OW, and his new 'mates'.

There is no way I could do the same thing to them.  They do not deserve to be emotionally abandoned by both parents. 
Plus, as I have the sole responsibility for my kids, I can't imagine inflicting yet more damage onto them - as I'm the one who would have to deal with it. 
Wouldn't want that for either them or myself.

I guess I'm doing this because it just feels like the right thing to be doing for now. 

[toughtimes]

Thirdly - my children. I don't know how to give them focus, look after my home, and my job and also build a relationship with someone else. How on earth do these MLCers do it? Where do they find people happy to be part of that? It's juggling too much. I don't know how I feel about introducing another person into their lives, or how I would be with a partner's children.

BNW - I'm always amazed at the MLCers who do still have the children in their lives, because my H managed this by ditching all parental responsibility (apart from financial), so that he had plenty of time for his new life with the new people in it. 

He has popped in and out of their lives at his leisure, when it suits him.  They definitely are coming off a very poor fourth after his work, the OW, and his new 'mates'.

There is no way I could do the same thing to them.  They do not deserve to be emotionally abandoned by both parents. 
Plus, as I have the sole responsibility for my kids, I can't imagine inflicting yet more damage onto them - as I'm the one who would have to deal with it. 
Wouldn't want that for either them or myself.

I guess I'm doing this because it just feels like the right thing to be doing for now.

Kikki I agree, my H seems to have found a little bit of responsibility to kids but sine BD been acting like the fun uncle breezing in and out if he hasn't any work commitments or holidays planned with ow! I am so happy I cannot begin to think like this, my kids come first and I'm proud of that in me and you.

[Stillpraying]

This is just what I was wondering? Why am I standing for a man who has cheated, lied and betrayed me and my children? I am pretty angry today and keep wondering if my stand shows a lack of self respect.
Truth is I agree with truly. But above all I feel like my H is a different person.........
.................Aaaaargh this is such a confusing and devastating part of my life but I am surviving and growing and beginning to thrive. I have compassion for my H but I am also pretty angry at times. It's my kids I am angry with him for,

DITTO!

...........I stand and stood for me, to heal from the inside out, to regain the ability to trust and love and with an open heart. Yea, I´ve got scars- if I wore them on my face, I´d look like one of those tribal people in Natl. Geographic, but hey, in their culture, those scars are considered beautiful. We all have been through the MOST painful experience and we keep on going. Yes, as Ready says, it makes you more empathetic and less judgmental. That´s a silver lining as well as meeting the amazing people on this site. I still come here b/c of you all. I realize that without kids, it changes things a lot and I am thankful not to have to see the damage inflicted on kids. That would make me very angry. I have stuck to my "better, not bitter" mantra and it results in a healthier me.

Whether you like it or not, every day past BD you are moving on in a sense, ´cause if you´re not, you are wallowing.

FTT, i just heard pastor this morning on the radio preach from James and the message was titled "Better, not bitter"

[In this for ME]

Yeah my D16 yelled at me the other day "He destroyed this family and now you're thinking about having sex with him!!" She got out of the car and slammed the door. D19 just sat there and said it wasn't fair what her sister had said.

D16 did a turn around and I haven't asked her about it yet...in July she was wondering if we had...with a smile on her face....2 months later she's all ticked off about it.

I have to ask her sometime soon what she's feeling. I don't want them to feel betrayed by me...that they think that I think that everything he's done to them or me is just a-okay so now we can have sex..it's not ok with me what happened to them and what I watched.

He only knows about thier pain through me and not what they expressed themselves. These are young women I'm raising and I have to be clear on what is going on as I can see right now. HE'S the one that brought sex into the forefront by moving the B!tch in here. So now I have to deal with it with the girls. 

[onedayatatime]

Hi,

BD was 2/2010 and I continue to stand because it feels right.  I agree with Limitless comments.  Think it is more for my benefit of healing, growth
and self reflection.  My family and friends want me to move on b/c in their minds that would indicate I am over h(x), but I want my heart to be whole and healthy before I enter into another relationship whether it is my h(x) or another man. 

ODAAT

[In this for ME]

One Day-
Take a serious look at what mistakes you may have made for yourself- not in regards to him but your own possible contribution to the breakdown of the relationship.

Learn from it ..recognize it.. and don't make the same mistakes again.

Your next relationship whether with him or someone else will be better for it. Don't try to be something you think someone else might want.  This is what I've learned.

For me the differance between standing and waiting became a blurry line.

[Returned]

Bomb drop was 10 months ago and I am seriously asking myself this question. Today I feel like I should move on. i have given him every opportunity, been charitable, kind, polite, unquestioning, in short I feel like I have been on model behavior. However his willingness to trample on my feelings, to say things which are cruel, and to abandon his children has led me to question my stand.

Not that I am about to divorce him. No he will have to do that, I won't. I will take no part in his nonsense.

From what I know of his OW she will boot him out as soon as he no longer has a good job.

[kikki]

Yeah my D16 yelled at me the other day "He destroyed this family and now you're thinking about having sex with him!!" She got out of the car and slammed the door. D19 just sat there and said it wasn't fair what her sister had said.

I guess we'd all have to admit, that at a grass roots level, your D16 is absolutely correct InThis.
I too sometimes wonder about this, and I have sons.   Will they be disgusted at my 'lack of self worth' (in their eyes), if my H and I ever reconcile. 
With daughters - I can't even begin to imagine the turmoil that they will feel about it all.

I think I'm just cycling myself today.  Usually I am without question - I stand for me first and foremost - to heal from this disaster, and then for the good of the family unit.  And because I thought the man I married was a good man (not perfect, but a good man none the less) - a complete contrast to this narcissistic creature.