[Anjae]

Honestly, I believe the reconcilitation has more to do with the LBS than the MLC'er. 

It does. Most people don't stand. Most people divorce a normal (non MLC) cheater at once. I think it is up to each person to do what is better for them.

Bottom line, very few marriages survive a MLC, LBS standing or not. If the LBS stands, in most cases the stand ends up being for ourselves. A LBS that has stand may be more balanced than one who has not but stading does not equal having the marriage back.

[Filled with faith and hope]

Standing certainly not the easiest thing in the world.I stand not base on my spouse action but because standing is for me and I stand for my children when they are too young to stand. Almost everyone – family, friends, society, even my own ego and sense of dignity – seems to be against this.However, I choose to stand because I loved the man and I meant my vows and I stand by the Word of God.

Does it hurt? Of course, we all know that. Pain is our constant companion..even when we are "happy and healthy", its there. . Not only do I have to deal with my own pain, but also my kids’.Just thinking about it makes me want to howl at the injustice of it all.

 I have to fight myself every day from just giving in and “freeing” myself from this untenable situation. Surely it would be easier to just move on with my life.However, I’m not leaving it like that.
To be honest, I don’t even want him back in the state he’s in now. I deserve a man who loves me and who keeps his word. Were he to come back now it would only be a matter of time before he’s back to his old ways again, and who wants that?

I stand because I choose to believe God. He alone can restore my marriage. I am wholly prepared to do WHATEVER He tells me to. I don’t even ask anymore if standing for my marriage is His will. How can it not be!It therefore, stands to reason that He will do what is necessary to save and completely transform my marriage. He’ll make it even better than the best of before. I wholeheartedly believe that!

[Dontgiveup]

I believe this is good insight.  I've discussed this previously with other LBS and my friend.

Regardless of the general rate, it makes sense that it would be higher for Standers who are Paving the Way with the Unconditionals.

[riverbirch]

My H and I D for financial reasons last March. There were only two reasons I did the D. One was we needed to get his retirement money to pay off major debt and the other was because HE said we could always remarry.
I did not want a D. I believe after all the crap we had been through for many years, I would stay married no matter what. I believed marriages all go through rough patches and we would get through everything.

So, he and I are D.I stand because I still love the man I had been with since I was a teen. He broke. He fell apart. I had been in that situation at one point myself. I didn't leave home though. I didn't take off.

He was a vanisher at first. He would not speak to me and I truly believed I was at fault for everything. I would text and get nothing. I would call and get nothing. I didn't see him for about 6 weeks. He then started coming around at xmas til St.Patty's then took off again.
He started coming around again. He comes here once or twice a week. I am blocked from FB and his phone. There is NC until he comes here.

Maybe standing is just so I can adjust to him no longer being in my life as a H. I don't know if I will want him back, if that's what he wants. I know there will be no texting or FB if he comes home. Twitter and all other media will be gone. I'm done being second best. I'm done being his doormat. I count as much as he does.
He will NOT be coming home unless he gets some kind of help and will not be sweeping this under the rug. There are changes he will need to make. At this time I have not found another woman like most of you on here. I believe there was an infatuation with someone younger. He had also contacted  his ex GF (FB) from before me when he was like 15 or 16. The woman has been a thorn in my side from day one.

So today I am still standing. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I take it one day at a time.

[Anjae]

I believe this is good insight.  I've discussed this previously with other LBS and my friend.

Regardless of the general rate, it makes sense that it would be higher for Standers who are Paving the Way with the Unconditionals.

I still think it has more to do with how long the MLCer crisis will take and the LBS individual situation. I can apply all the Unconditionals I want it will not lead to a reconciled marriage.

Most here have not been married to an MLCer for more than 5 years so you don't know how that is. But I know how much a LBS changes in nearly 7 years. The changes become so big that a point will come when the MLCer is nothing but a fading memory (I'm taking about an MLCer that is not present in our life).

RCR wrote it herself: "We say that the old marriage is dead at Bomb Drop and a new marriage must be built, but that new marriage is still founded on the foundation of what was built previously. Chuck and I were together throughout his MLC even though he was in and out 8 times. Sure, our relationship has matured and become stronger, but it was not completely destroyed through his MLC. This may be different for Distant Contacters. The old marriage is gone in part because contact drops off almost completely. A couple may reunite many years later after having built new lives without each other. I built a different life, but Chuck was always in it and I was in his; there was no building of our lives without each other."

[Dontgiveup]

I still think it has more to do with how long the MLCer crisis will take and the LBS individual situation.

I'm not sure what you mean by "the LBS individual situation".

I can apply all the Unconditionals I want it will not lead to a reconciled marriage.

I guess I'd say not applying them could easily lead to a non-reconciled marriage.  I'd be the first to say some of my views are influenced by my friend's situation.  I watched how he paved the way and applied the unconditionals.

[Anjae]

It means that if you’re divorced and your financial situation is sorted out = the LBS is in no financial dire straits because of the MLC; or you’re married but you’re also ok financial wise, it is very different than remain married to the MLCer for years on end with financial troubles.

At least for me it makes a big, big difference. I may be more inclined to reconcile had I been divorce, or married with good financial situation, than the way things turned out. Would say that, normally, a person will not have much wish of reconcile with someone that ruined the finances. Let alone with someone that does not allow us to divorce even if we want to. That is hardly a promising future…

Yes, not applying the Unconditionals can lead to a non-reconciled marriage. But apllying them will not lead to a reconciled marriage. I’m glad things worked for your friend and his wife but I think most marriages never reconcile.  Eeven if the Unconditionals are applied.

I  believe in the process but I also think a point comes when the LBS moves on and no more chances. If anything I’ve left the door open for too long. A thing I regret.

[misdiz]

Does it hurt? Of course, we all know that. Pain is our constant companion..even when we are "happy and healthy", its there. . Not only do I have to deal with my own pain, but also my kid's.Just thinking about it makes me want to howl at the injustice of it all.

Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!

I still think it has more to do with how long the MLCer crisis will take and the LBS individual situation. I can apply all the Unconditionals I want it will not lead to a reconciled marriage.

Most definitely.  We have no control in their actions!  However, there is no chance in a reconciliation if we closed that door at BD.  I feel way too many people (mlc or not) simply end a marriage because that has become the norm.  It was too acceptable to divorce.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.

I believe MLC has been here forever but divorce was not a solution.  They stuck it out!  Divorce is now taken as soon as things get a little bumpy.  I think divorce laws need to become stricter in order to force people to face their problems and not just run from them. 

How many of us have heard "everyone gets divorce!"  Or "don't act like we are the only ones getting divorced"!  I truly think that if divorce became taboo MLC would take on a whole new light!

Just my opinion

[Dontgiveup]

Would say that, normally, a person will not have much wish of reconcile with someone that ruined the finances.

This could well be true.  I don't know as it hasn't been something I've experienced from my MLCer, nor did my friend.

I’m glad things worked for your friend and his wife but I think most marriages never reconcile.

I'm glad for them too and hope things keep moving along

[Anjae]

If divorce becomes taboo most LBS would be like me, legally married but with no spouse or marriage for years on end. The MLC would still happen, the MLCer would still live with OW/OM and the LBS would have no way out, even if they need to (for finances or other reason)

It is not so simple to divorce here (Portugal) unless it is an amicable divorce. Our courts are very slow and, since late 2008, we have a weird divorce law. It not totally no fault but it is also not fault.

Mr J filled for his second court divorce (1st was closed because he had no grounds for it) on early 2011. So far there was not a single hearing on this second court case.

Yes, if we closed the door on BD there would be less reconciliation. Or maybe not. Maybe some MLCers really need the door to be closed to move through the crisis. And the faster they move through the crisis the bigger the chances of reconciliation.

True, divorce is now taken for every little bump in the road but MLC is a more than a little bump in the road. And, in the end, most of us will be divorce. Because we have to do for the finances, because too many years went by, because we meet someone else.

Divorce can, in my opinion, in some situations, provide a better chance for reconciliation. 

If I could go back I would had divorce right after OW1 was made public. No idea if it would bring a reconciliation or not but current situation will not and remaining married was a loss (in many ways) to be. Of course I'm saying this in hindsight. Things were not so simple at the time. Emotions were raw, everything was confusing. But that long, long ago.

DGU, I know you and your friend did not experienced financial loss with your MLCer. For me it makes it very different. Also, if you or your friend would choose to/wanted to remarry, you could. You had that choice. I don't. It does make a difference.

And before you tell me that anger does not do, I'm not angry at Mr J. Not even with myself. But I was a bit silly in not divorce rather quick.