[limitless]

MB,
So sorry that you are feeling so low.
I can't imagine how difficult it is to live with your MLCer.

It is difficult for the MLCer to leave, as well...but I don't have him in my face everyday.....

Hugs.....try to be kind to yourself today....let MLC and the issues just go for today.
There is nothing that you can do today to resolve it.....

Hugs,

L

[Mamma Bear]

Good thread. I think that as a textbook case I get it. My H is a picture postcard of fear and panic frosted with substance abuse and a Fantasy Affair Down. Ok so if it's like a college course I know what to do.  Keep on being who I am. Who I've always been. While letting my H twist in the wind bc God told me Trust Him. He's got this one.
  I have little index cards with sayings on the dashboard of my minivan.  When I get pulled in to a point where I might get teary..I put it back in the context of a college course.  A college course that is like a Probation Sentence from the court.   If 2 years will bring a new scenario, count me in. I wasn't doing anything else this year anyway    besides raising my Ds and running a pharmacy.   I will conitnue to treat my H like he's in a scientific terrarium. I can look in but don't meddle. 

[growing every day]

There are days I am more detached than others. Today is one of those days, that I am "just." Not sad, not angry, not happy... 'just'.  But that is ok. I have had a very stressful week at work. I've been on autopilot at high speed all week. I've got some external issues with my S17 and S21, and things at home, but all I can do is take it minute by minute.

I am doing my best to stay detached from my H. He sent an email to me this week about our dog that he has. My reply was simply "Ok" Before I would have asked questions, added commentary etc. Not this time. the one thing it did confirm for me is that he has kept my emails. He used an email that I sent to him in August about the dogs and cats that I have at home and forwarded that back to me to tell me about his dog. Funny, not in a ha ha way, just weird.

At least the sun is shining, my grandaughter is here ( napping  ) and I'm getting laundry done. So today is one of those days the GED will be happy that she is not feeling too much. All the drama of the past week took it out of me.

I think detaching is the hardest part of this. And I understand why people who have been at it like me for a year, give up. It's tough to keep it up and stay detached without allowing the fears and expectations creep in. I had a complete melt down a few weeks ago. And since then I have made a concerted effort to remember the feeling of laying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor sobbing. I never want to feel that again. So I have to stay detached, as hard as it is.

[Mamma Bear]

 GED,  Please I hear ya!  From what my returned BIL told me THEY"LL BE THE ONES CURLED UP IN THE FETAL POSITION.....ONE DAY!  Hard to imagine at this point but that's why we trust in the MLC process. What's the worst case scenario? : My H lives happily ever after drug free with ugly Bowser and all the crap he's buying for them at the Salvation Army?    That he spends the rest of his life seeing his Ds once in a while and his 94 year old Mom never?  Doesn't even call brothers and sisters? (They used to be close.)  Ok so say he does all this and is Happy in his new life(worst case scenario) Then  and only then will I NOT TRUST IN THE MLC PROCESS!!!   LOL! LOL!

[Silmarion]

Sometimes I find it hard to attach rather than detach.  In some ways, being on a forum for me, counts as a distant attachment so for all you know, I could be typing but crying too (but I'm not today    )

I went for a walk today and the isolation of the whole thing suddenly overwhelmed me.  I love walking but on occasion, it aint helpful.  GALing is good, but even this can be overdone and rather than detaching I think I overcompensate and then it kinda hits me, hence today.

Sil x

[Anjae]

GALing is good, but even this can be overdone and rather than detaching I think I overcompensate and then it kinda hits me, ...

Yep, sometimes, and at a certain stage in the process, we GAL to much to overcompensate. But, at least in my experience, the day will come when it will be leveled. We will GAL only because we want to GAL and are no longer compensating.

From year 3 onwards it becomes much easier to detach and GAL is no longer for overcompensation. Year 4 onwards everything becomes even more balanced. At the begining of year 6, well, it is a new life. Husband's life looks like THE HORROR to me.

[Silmarion]

It's funny you say that AJ,

I have noticed the more GALing I do, the less GAL stuff he appears to do!



 



Sil x

[Anjae]

Sil,

Can't say if the more GAL I do, less GAL husband does. All I can say is, lloking back, and looking at what I know of his current life (pretty much the same stuff he was into since he left), it all looks dreadful. Never a second of rest, always busy, always making sure he does not stop. Out and about until the early ours, clubbing, more clubbing. I get tires just of think how he lives. Glad he is with OW2 and not with that endless electric dynamo. I get to rest, read, walk, be with my family, look at the sea.

If the man won't slow down, sorry, even if he wantI can't have hin back. All that never ending doing things will leave me dead.

[summer progress]

Sounds like running, running, and more running...

If they would just SIT and FEEL. Again... nothing we can do about it. This time we can't even lead the horse to water.

Detachment is hard. I find it easier when H contacts me less (I have not talked to him since last Tuesday in person and only in a tiny email on Wednesday).

I cycle less when there is very little contact. I find myself forcing myself to stop thinking about him and talking about him. Friends ask how he is or how "we" are doing and I find I don't want to talk about it because it makes it harder to detach. I do worry about him, but I guess that is normal at this point since he has only been gone since Sept. 11.

I need to detach more and I hope it will get easier as time goes on.

Summer

[Mamma Bear]

Summer, Hi, I find detachment comes after H starts acting nice. Monster left after BD so did H.......now he seems curious about me. Last few times I saw him he acts like he loves me but he lives with another woman.
   I act like 'take all the space you need I am too tired to pursue you and you know I love you so what?'
  Last night my intuition clearly told me not to worry. H would be back I shouldn't think on it anymore.
  Since then I smile when I think about. I love God and intuition. It's so important to listen to your inner voice. 
  Always make sure to keep that STOP sign Stayed recommends handy. When driving along and thinking too much of H or OW pull out the STOP sign in your brain. Say STOP I'll think of him later for 20 minutes but not now.   Stayed's stop sign technique helped me detach.