[underpressure]

A very fine line between withdrawing affection to punish and withdrawing affection to protect oneself and detach. How does one communicate the difference? How is one sure of the difference?

[unbroken]

detaching and no contact are two totally different things.

i strongly recommend against no contact unless absolutely necessary for your sanity.

i recommend you continue to be the lighthouse and pave the way.  read rcr's site.

[calamity]

A very fine line between withdrawing affection to punish and withdrawing affection to protect oneself and detach. How does one communicate the difference? How is one sure of the difference?

For me, withdrawing affection to punish means you are trying to affect him or his crisis.  Withdrawing to protect oneself & detach is protecting yourself from being hurt.  The more emotionally bound you are to him, the more vulnerable you are.

[Stronger]

My H is living with OW just about.I haven't had any contact with him for 3 weeks since he is with her all the time . He hasn't initiated any contact either . I really have no reason to contact him.So basically NC so I don't feel I'm able to do any paving the way while she's around that"s what is confusing to me.

[underpressure]

RCR has recommended No Contact for me. I am trying to implement it but failing. And I am finding that the more we are around each other the better we communicate. He is in the early stages of this, I feel, and I don't want to drive him into the arms of OW. Right now it's a revenge affair, and a band-aid. It's not that crazy. Yet. I want to be lighthouse. I told him about why my affair was such a mistake. I was very forthcoming. I hope it helps.

Detaching...Yes, I can detach better now while with him...It helps to recognize his behavior and view it as HIS not my fault. I can feel my own feelings then...not react to his.

Stronger, I feel it's really clear with this OW that RCR's texts are spot on. The OW is always someone insecure or an affair down. And I think your No Contact serves you well in that she will eventually be the annoying one, and you the safe haven. I don't know what I would do in your position, and frankly I am terrified of being in your position. I have a 5 year old son...I can't not see my H. I can't even think of how terrible it would be for my S if he had to deal with OW living with his dad.

Anyway, I digress. I Would like to explore more the idea that No Contact, maybe even just NO SEX could help my H decide he wants to be with me? I don't have any real assurances of that. My therapist has suggested it all along, but I just haven't intuited that as a likely option. I think helping him see that i am working on myself and changing and growing is better than no contact. That's me as the MLCer. But then him as the MLCer...well, another story.

[StillStanding]

RCR has recommended No Contact for me. I am trying to implement it but failing.

I don't know your story but if RCR suggests No Contact, I would go with that.

And I am finding that the more we are around each other the better we communicate. He is in the early stages of this, I feel, and I don't want to drive him into the arms of OW.

But you can't keep him from going. Whether you are nice or not, if he wants to go he will go. In fact, the more tightly you try to hold on to him, the more likely he is to go. Even without MLC, a spouse who is clingy and desperate is not attractive, and people don't like to feel they are being guilted and manipulated into staying. As contradictory as it sounds, him going is more likely to help in the long run, because he needs to figure out that your marriage is not the source of his crisis.

Anyway, I digress. I Would like to explore more the idea that No Contact, maybe even just NO SEX could help my H decide he wants to be with me? I don't have any real assurances of that.

There are no assurances. There is always the possibility that your husband is an outlier who reacts atypically. Having said that, in many cases the advice is going to come from people who have tried the things that seem reasonable to you, to have them fail.

You should read the articles and other suggested reading material. Learning more about MLC will help you understand the process and how we do and don't play a role in the crisis.

I think helping him see that i am working on myself and changing and growing is better than no contact.

Like I said, if RCR has read your story and suggests No Contact, there is probably a good reason for it.

[Keepthefaith22]

I think from reading your story your H doesn't live with you right?  My H has been gone this time since Dec. We are NC for the most part. We have had very little contact unless about the house, money, sometimes kids.  Yes we have 3, one who is still a minor so being NC is ridiculous but honestly it seems to be the way he wants it so I have decided to leave him alone. It is very tough. I don't know who the OW is if there still is one and if so what the nature of their r is.  I do know he has gotten into EAs with women at his job but don't know if he slept with them. My hunch is it is very likely. 

I think detachment is for you. I wanted in the beginning to talk to him, see him, etc.  I learned it was painful and he was usually a jerk.  So for now I GAL and wait to see if he contacts me. I just don't see another way at this point. 

[FindingJoJo]

 I will say that the NC I had early on was H's choice but it was the kindest thing he could have done for both of us.  I was able to focus on me alone, detaching is easier because of the NC.  I didn't like it but it did help, listen to RCR.

But you can't keep him from going. Whether you are nice or not, if he wants to go he will go. In fact, the more tightly you try to hold on to him, the more likely he is to go. Even without MLC, a spouse who is clingy and desperate is not attractive, and people don't like to feel they are being guilted and manipulated into staying. As contradictory as it sounds, him going is more likely to help in the long run, because he needs to figure out that your marriage is not the source of his crisis.

I agree with SS.  Start filling your calendar and figure out things to do for yourself, it will make you be less available and more attractive as well as to feel good about yourself after all that is the most important thing you can do - take care of yourself.  The more I pushed away this entire weekend (our first in almost 3 months), and focused on me the more H wanted me and increased his communication without anger. 

[underpressure]

Stillstanding, Keepthefaith and FindingJoJo. Excellent advice.

Here is what RCR's marching orders are for my case:

No Contact (other than necessary for your son) while there is any legal process (on hold or not) that leads to separation or divorce.
He can resume contact by stopping those legal processes. But you need to add more to the out, he must also agree to counseling, but that part of the boundary does not need to be communicated yet. Just the No Contact while there are active legal cases regarding your marriage.

He just had the divorce case dismissed!!! But the day he dismissed it he slept with OW. (or so i believe).

Then the next part, (if the legal proceedings are dismissed):

No Contact (other than necessary for your son) if he is dating other women.
You don’t need to state this one right now, because the legal proceedings cover contact. If he stops those, communicate this boundary—the No Contact is still in place until he stops cheating.

This I have not been able to accomplish. I am still seeing him. He is still seeing her. That's why I am still discussing this stuff. I will probably be seeing a lot of him until we go on our vacation together next week. We will stay at the hotel we were married at. Do disneyland Etc. And then he leaves and S5 and I go stay with my parents for a week. Because he will be on his own for a week while we are out of state, I am going to communicate this boundary when we part, or upon our return.

I am sure this doesn't sound ideal, but for me it seems right, at the moment.

[Stronger]

Under pressure,
 I couldn't imagine being in your position either .My children are grown and will make there own choice's about being around OW.My youngest can't stand her.My oldest well that"s a different story and he has never told me but he is ridden with guilt so I assume some kind of contact.The thought of having small children I 'm sure is a very painful thought for you.I guess indirectly maybe there is contact with me since he is down the road and drives by my house daily and knows what's going on and who is here and when I'm not home .
RCR is the expert keep working her suggestions.I have found ,much wisdom and comfort here on this sites.