[ddineen]

Just had the perfect example of a vanisher <sigh>:  need him to sign so I can refinance and get his name off.  I could wait till divorce but long story....I called, texted, had bank call.  All to nothing.  Finally, I emailed and got back "sorry. busy. yes".  Hopefully, he will really do it. Oh and nothing on divorce yet.  He has till the first week in May to respond.  I wish things were different and everytime I have to have to contact, even after all this time, I can't help but cry.

[mercury]

ddineen

Contact with a vanisher is always hard, I think because we wait and wait and have such high hopes and when  contact is made it is such a let down, the disappoint to find they are still the same, still in replay, still jerks is just horrible.

[good4me]

Having a vanisher is extremely hard. The time I spend wondering how he is bothers me. I shouldn't be worried about him because it seems like H doesn't give a d--- about me. Yet I still do  It is harder to because family tells me H is never coming back-they say just look at his actions-if he was coming back H would be talking to you and seeing you. So not only has H vanished but my family is not supporting me because of the way they interpret H's behaviour.
I check his FB page and am shocked at his friends and the comments on happy hour and plans for trips that cannot be afforded. Not entirely sure about OW-if there is one or not -just think it is a strong possiblity. Not trying to kid myself on that fact. Yet not finding any info regarding that at the moment. But if I did it wouldn't really change anything. Gone is gone, no matter where he is or who he is with -right ? So its 232 am and I am awake again while H is probably sound asleep . I haven't slept good since he left actually near the end when H announced he was leaving the not sleeping began but I would make myself lay there knowing that soon he would be gone .

[mercury]

good4you

Having a vanisher is hard, having any type in MLC is hard. Your family like everyone else they do not understand. Mine still doesn't after 19 months. You need to put all your efforts into you. Doing, trying to find peace within you to heal.

[limitless]

g4y,
I know the feeling well.  I didn't sleep (more than a few hours at a time) for months.  It was a tough, tough time.  Sorry that you have to go through this.  Unfortunately, it is part of our journey.  There is no getting around it or over it.  You have to go through it.
That said, a few 2 x 4's.  Not that you deserve them, but I think you need them (a little).  These will be soft 2 x 4's.
Try to stop projecting how he is feeling, how he is doing, how he is sleeping.  You really have no idea what he is going through.  Replay is Covert Depression.  They mask and avoid their feelings by running, playing, drinking, partying, OW, etc.  That does not mean that they are happy, that does not mean that they are sleeping well.  Try to let go of what he is or is not doing.  It just is crazy making.  (I know, I did the very same thing.  I still do sometimes, but it is much, much less).
Read the post regarding "The Prodigal" - I am copying it below.  I think there is much truth to this.
Hang in there.  It will get better.  Get some exercise (tire yourself out) so that you can sleep. 

It is miserable being a prodigal. It is lonely being a prodigal. It is embarrassing being a prodigal. The only friends we have are those who feel we can do something for them. We are as counterfeit as smeared ink on a new twenty dollar bill, and we know it.

Our spouse thinks it is about sex. We know it is really about shame. Our spouse thinks it is about the good life. We know it is really about the guilty life. Our spouse thinks it is about new friends. We know it is really about lost friends. Our spouse thinks it is about what we left home seeking. We know it is really about what we left home and lost. Our spouse thinks it is about walking away from God. We know it is really about being ashamed and attempting to hide from God.

"But my prodigal is so happy," someone is countering. Yes, your prodigal may appear to be "happy," because that is the front we prodigals must demonstrate to the world. How much happiness can come from being separated from the inseparable, a covenant spouse, walking away from home, family, community, almost everything in a former life, and attempting to start all over with a replacement spouse? Until you can hear your prodigal mate's heart, and not simply their words, you cannot determine their happiness

Hugs,

L

[xyzcf]

G4Y..the difficulty sleeping makes it worse..because when you are tired, you feel worse as well.

I took Benadryl 50 mg for a long time as it helped me to go back to sleep. I find Bach Rescue Sleep...a spray that I use when I wake up and I cannot return to sleep helpful..I keep it at my bedside. Also Valerian tea (Celestial Seasoning Sleepy Time Tea).

I try very hard not to nap at all during the day.

I am lucky..I've explained to my brother and sister what I believe...and I think they get it too because they know what kind of a person he was before and they too cannot imagine that he would do this. Anyway, it doesn't matter what your family believes although it is annoying to be "told"..like we are children somehow.

Heartsblessing referred again..listen to your inner voice...you know this person well....do what your inner voice is telling you to do. Try to find distractions so that at least some of the time you can get a break from the constant broken record going round and round in your head.

It will get a bit easier...at first, for months really, I couldn't even stay in a 60 min exercise class...I would have to leave and walk around the track and eventually I could come back in...I'd just keep telling myself, it'll be ok, it will be ok.

I still do not like the way my life is.....but it is more tolerable and actually there are fun things too... I need to continue to understand the word patient and to trust that God will take care of everything.

[good4me]

Thanks L ,V and X

I feel bad for complaining when I think how long some of you have been here. Finally fell asleep about 6am-sorry offmyrocker -I was really looking forward to our visit . Exhausted from my own crazymaking night. Why do I do this to myself I end up feeling and looking like crap. So I pick myself up dust myself off and wipe my eyes. Today is a new day and I will just have to try harder to focus on me. I thought the AD's would help but it doesn't seem to. Guess I should check with my dr .
Wish me luck I am looking straight ahead now not back because that will only drag me back in to the pit and it's really lonely and sad down there 

[good4me]

I have been on meds since November 2010 . Zoloft once a day and xanax as needed. I have a therapist I see once a week.  My H was mad that I was off work in Dec and two weeks in Jan for a breakdown. He thought I should be working . Got the impression he thought I was weak. All the while he is drinking and staying gone a lot. Getting more distant with each passing day.

[xyzcf]

If you have a health food store nearby, try and get the Bach Rescue Sleep..it really helps e because I can usually fall alseep now but then if I wake up my mind doesn't stop turning and thats 21 months later.

This is not in my control..believe me, I do everything I can to maintain my equilibrium. Our spouses have no idea how this affects us physically. Take care

[mercury]

Good4you

I was under the impression that one should take xanax daily because it needs to remain in your blood at a consistent level. My Mother use to take it and she gave me one to help loosen my back  after I pulled it. Well, all was well until I came off and I just started crying and crying and I had no idea why I was crying or why I was upset.