[Voyager]

In hindsight i should have called this thread vanishers and off and oners, as it seems to be part of the spectrum, with the completely disappeared at one end and the call in sometimes on the other. Some can start off as vanishers and then change and some can be boomerangs and then disappear. But for some it's a pattern that changes slightly.

I'm not sure if there is a common theme FTT perhaps there is, certainly mine fitted all of your three points. I have started to really heal now, but to be honest until now i couldn't honestly say having a v type helped me to heal faster. i guess i'll never know as i never experienced the other kind. But certainly it means less drama.

I think for my own experience i found it made me look at myself so much more, after all there was nothing else to look at or distract me, so that has been really beneficial.
Downside is that i was guilty of creating my own drama sometimes in the early days and in hindsight it was far better just to have not contacted.

When contact did take place it was laden with feeling on my side and because it was sporadic or by e mail it was difficult to judge how to be. Or it was hard not to get emotional or teary.

I also was reading his e mails, even the friday ones, through my own filter of emotions. So i reacted to how they made me feel, rather than reading them through his eyes so to speak and understanding what was actually been said.

 They didn't say what i wanted them to say so i got upset by them and reacted rather than responded a lot of the time.

So i was perpetually disappointed, but really only had myself to blame for that.

It just occurs to me that in some ways it could be harder to truly detach from a v type. As you're sort of frozen in time as far as understanding your spouse or seeing the behaviours and there was for me for a while that wondering if he could just simply turn up as i didn't know where he was in his journey.

Maybe on a day to day level it is easier of course, but the ability to fully let go?? I've been able to do that finally but it took a lot to get there. Just musing on that one.

Fox

.. I'm tired mentally of giving him head space - how can I find out who I am, until I start trying to figure out who H is?

All i can say is that imho until you are able to put him out of your headspace you can't start to look at yourself. Trying to figure your h out is like trying to catch a blob of mercury, you can't do it.

Only he can, trying to figure him out is almost like trying to fix it. I did a lot of that. Like looking for the magic key to unlock the cabinet. Then once i'd figured it out I could say the right words and phrases to bring him home.

It's so necessary to see yourself as an entirely seperate and individual entity now. You are you, alone. Whatever happens in the future you will always be that.

So don't think about your h's stuff Fox. Just concentrate on your stuff, what you need to think about in order to grow and learn from the experience.

If/when he returns it will not be the same, he will have changed, but more importantly so will you. The past cannot be recreated so you have an opportunity to create something new from the ashes. I can only say that for me self reflection has been key to starting to build a new life.

One of the biggest gifts from looking at yourself will be an even bigger sense of independance and self reliance. And whatever is to come they are fantastic tools to start to use.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Foxberry]

Thank you Voyager, this is a fascinating threat.....I understand more now about vanishing.....

The only thing I can add is that I doubt H will come back :-/   even if he finishes with this present OW - I think he will move on to another....the trouble with H is, full of pride, never used to say sorry before, so I doubt he'll start now.

Since BD he hung around for a few weeks before running off in his car and then coming back for a day or two, etc., etc., over a period of time between the end of September and November 6 - the last time I saw him     

At the beginning of December after not seeing him & H not even trying to contact me in any way for 4 weeks to see if I was alive or dead through one of the hardest coldest winters we've had - I contacted him by text.  He replied in the most bizarre email I've yet to read - I felt like an aged aunt or old friend he'd lost touch with.  There was no emotion at all just him warning me not to "raise my expectations" etc and that he would come back to our hometown soon......I was so angry I rang him and as I knew nothing at all about MLC I probably said the worst thing I could!   Amongst lots of reasoning with him, crying etc.,  I told H he had to make a choice - OW and her family or me and our Son!!!! I couldn't understand how any woman! could compete with me when we'd been married for 28 years, he has a wonderful son and he's only known this Tart for 4 months...the way I saw it - what other choice was there?  Wake up and smell the coffee 

 I thought that by threatening him it would frighten him that I meant business and wasn't going to wait around any longer...... all he could say muttering under his breath was "oh I can't make that choice" etc., etc., I sent him a text just after the conversation saying "straight choice but yours" & then suddenly out of the blue 2 days later he sent me a text that said,

"the choice to come back gets harder which each day that passes, coz the thought that hate of me by everyone we ever knew, grows with each day that passes.  It seems easier (cowardly maybe) not to face anyone, maybe they'll forget I existed"

I couldn't believe it!!!!  after everything he'd done to ME he was thinking all about himself and our
fiends! not about me and our Son!   He wouldn't pick up the phone and only text me 2 hours later - in response to a text I sent "so are you ending our marriage by text" he came straight back and said

"I'm not using a text to end anything, sorry I didn't intend you to think that, I know you've always loved me and never closed the door, I wasn't referring to you hating or forgetting me - I meant our friends.  The future I come back to scares me as much as a future away and I need to find some courage, but also feel that I need to decide this on my own."
I couldn't believe it.....after everything he'd put me through, the lies, deceit, the affair with OW and he seemed to care more about our friends than me!!!!  When I've spoken to mutual friends who work with him apparently he says things like "is everyone talking about me?"  I don't get it.....the two most important people in his life me and his Son seem to have vanished in his mind completely.  I've stopped speaking to our mutual friend as she tells me things that just upset me e.g. his movements etc.  So NC for me ihas, in some ways, been inflicated on me....I just don't think he will every be man enough or find enough courage to  admit he made a dreadful mistake with OW and come and say sorry....

It appears as he said to me in our last conversation in December that "he has made his choice".....

Hugs  Fox xx

[followingbliss]

Hey Fox

our Mlcers emotionally "divorce " us during this process , thats why your H will have expressed more concern for the opinions of friends at this point, we just dont count. Thats also why we will be the last person they reconnect with , maybe starting by reconnecting (if they ever do)with friends, family an finally us.

Take Care

FB

[Dontgiveup]

Foxberry

The thing is, the way the MLCer feels now is likely NOT the way they will feel later.....perhaps much later.  That's the MLC process.  There are a lot of LBS that initially think their MLCer won't change their mind.  It's not so much about them changing their mind as it is allowing the emotional process that is MLC to take it's course.

[Standing in Patience]

Hi, I wonder a couple of things:

1) Guilt - is there more guilt with a vanisher? And thus when they run, they further the distance between themselves and their family.

2) Contemplative - I was always the one in the family that lived in their head (what ifs, if then this happens next, consuming books for knowledge and guideness, etc.) and now it seems to be his turn. Is he taking advantage of the distance to squirrel himself away to work on his issues?

3) OW is histronic - divorcee skank preyed on him doing the "poor me, I have a terrible boyfriend
routine" enough that my husband helped her break things off with him and reeled him in. Rescue the fair maiden. I used to be his fair maiden!

4) Noticed movement toward reconnecting with children by cell, reaching slowly toward but now more regularly w/ his siblings (which is interesting b/c I was the one that stayed in touch with them in the past).

What is the chances/percentages that he will come home or want to reconnect with me and ask for our family to move to the state he is living in now? To reconnect and to be w/ his children full-time?

Can anyone tell me if they've ever reconnected with a vanisher? Are the chances less than with spouses that "touch and go" more frequently.

[Shantilly Lace]

OK just to clarify something.

I WAS a vanisher ok.  When I bolted from H I disappeared from him except with girls and if courts hadn't ordered that....

My personality was full on.  I would fight and get into fights I was not conflict avoidant at all.  I was in your face till this was sorted.
My emotions were there.  I was emotionally immature though well that's what i had been told so I spose it's true.  i was volatile and expressed great joy or great hurt.  my emotions were maybe not under control.

And friends well my friends when I had them were actually mostly the opposite sex.  Had no time for the b!tc#y cliques that seemed to exist.  When I BD'd Dearheart I had hardly any friends being unable to find things in common with people.  Don't get me wrong I had friends but I wasn't able to talk to them about how I felt.  I felt I was going crazy and wouldlose everything I loved.  It was ironic as in not seeking them out was the one thing that had me almost lose everything and in the long run was one of the reasons that had Dearheart BD me.

So I don't know whether those signs really fit.
I was a vanisher total.  Dearheart had no clue that i wanted to reconcile until a year later I approached him.

[leftylulu]

Odds are my vanisher will be back once he's done doing whatever he's doing. I do not have any reason to stand because I'm not married and have only been with him for 4 years and almost 3 of those years have been MLC. What I do know is that there is a connection like no other between us and even 2 days before he vanished he said he was glad we were back together because he thought we were perfect for each other. I feel the same, that's why I stand.

I'm glad I decided to stand because I have been giving a gift and that is "the gift of self". I honestly believe that I wouldn't have changed if I never met him and fell so deeply in love with him. Our connection is great, just our timing was off. I also believe we were brought together so we could show each other what true love felt like. I no longer take it personally I still have my days full of doubt just like everyone else but then I remember everything we shared together and I remain hopeful that he will come home based on those wonderful memories.

It may take him a long time to come home because once he wakes up he will punish himself for doing this to me. He will feel he doesn't deserve me as I am not like the other women he finds. They are all cheaters and beaters and he is a rescuer by nature. He was never selfish toward me or anyone else in his life. He was always giving of himself. He was a true gentleman in every essence of the word. He loved his kids immensely and he walked away from them.

I love the man and I get the opportunity to understand what it means to genuinely love someone flaws and all. I keep reminding myself how I loved my daughter when she was at her worst during the teenage years, I never knew if she was going to live or die during that period. Her drinking, drugs, rebeling and whatever else you can think of she did and I managed to still love her even after all the hell she put me through. I have to look at this as the same type of deal. It's something he has to figure out on his own with my loving support for the man that I knew not his behavior. I love that core man and if HB, RCR, and Stayed all say there husband and marriage became even better I will wait for sure because I have had the most wonderful time with him before all this.

I can see this taking place in others but what is interesting is that I know what it is and I can see why others start to hit crisis levels. The constant being kicked in the face after they are already down. Plus I'm seeing it in both men and women and now I can analyze it from an outsiders perspective instead of being emotionally tied to the person. I can watch their journey. 

Sure there are still times that I wonder what he's doing and want to snoop but I do not because it doesn't do me any good. I want to interfere to find out how he's doing but I don't because it won't do any good. I just have to have faith that this will all resolve itself and in the end he will come back and we will have a better relationship even though I do not believe it could have gotten any better but time will tell on that. I remain on my own journey and feel blessed to discover who I am.

[good4me]

Hi Everyone...

Haven't seen my H since February 23 and last time we spoke  was a disagreement on the phone about him taking our tax refund. Very hurt and aggravated with him. H was very nasty when we spoke saying we could be divorced in 5 minutes because we don't have a house or kids together. I asked if he committed adultery he said no so I told him we have to be separated for one year before we can get divorced. I asked him if that is what he wants and he said he doesn't know. I told him to think about and let me know. This isn't what I want and I told him just that many times.   I wish I could call or see him but I am so afraid at what his response will be . I did get a text from him a few weeks ago saying he put part of the tax refund money in our joint account -I replied OK thanks. One more text came a few days later stating that he had transferred the rest of the refund into our account but I just didn't respond to him. What am I supposed to say "thank you for giving me my half of our tax refund that you were lying about and trying to keep for yourself"? He already has all the good stuff from our apartment and I don't know where he lives because he lied about that too. H told me I need to work on my trust and jealousy issues -which I am seeing a therapist for -but what is he doing to fix his issues and rebuild our marriage ? The way I see it is he is doing absolutely nothing but having a good time drinking and hanging out with his friends. So much for his comment " I hope we work everything outbid if it doesn't I won't kill myself " Really shows me how much I mean to him," Kept telling me I want it too much and was trying too hard BS
'. Any advice on how to handle/cope with this vanishing H will be so appreciated. I spent my day sleeping feel like I am sliding back in to the deep depression I had when H first left January 17 2011.

[mercury]

good4you

Detach and leave him alone, I know how it feels to want to contact him but it best to leave him alone to do whatever he wants. There is no easy advise on how to deal with any type of mlcer just work on yourself and as OP says this is your time, do what you want, read this site and get out of bed and do some GAL work, you will feel better.

[justkeepmoving]

G4Y,
  It's still very early days for you.  You need to be kind and patient with yourself and understand that the change you will see in yourself will not happen overnight but it will happen as long as you are open to the process and do the hard work.  It's been seven months since BD and I am no longer the same person I once was.  I am strong and confident and really don't give a rats a** if my H gets mad at me or not.  What more could I lose ?  He's still gone and still in replay.  I do think and wonder what my H is doing but not like before, not 24/7.  Now it's just fleeting moments or if I see or hear something that reminds me of him or us.  I am living seperately from my H in everyway, physically as well as financially.  I think if I was still dependent on him I would not be where I am today.  Detachment is the key to surviving MLC.  Once you achieve true detachment the feeling of contacting your H will diminish.  This is all very tough stuff and not for the faint of heart.  Keep the faith and "just keep moving" !!