[MarkedandHealed]

None of them do, Seaturtle. They all justify their sins.
My H's OW is 43 like him, a barfly, drinks a lot, not entirely ugly but definitely not as attractive as I am (not being stuck up, just honest) - and is definitely playing the innocent, I'm so sweet card. I know my H will wake up to her one day and be disgusted, I've seen him do it before. The last time with his EA he wondered what on earth he ever saw in her. She disgusted him.

Again, I don't worry about her at all, I mostly worry that my H can forgive himself. That is going to be the huge thing that keeps him upset. He will forgive, though, eventually. He's a very guilty person in general, never mind the MLC monster.

[stillhere]

Here is what I know about OW--Age 47, married, 3 boys (two are VERY close in age to my own--mid/late teens)  H knew her as a friend of cousin in HS.  They reconnected on FB (I know now cousin set this up as she tried to bring her "friends" out to our house last summer) and began to talk about their disillusionment with marriages.  I know she is a bit materialistic from things I have seen about her.  Appearance wise she is much the opposite of me.  She is overweight and just seems to have a "loud" personality and appearance.   Seems to like to be the center of attention and self-centered.  For lack of a better word--a bit of a "diva."   H claims she's "nice and sweet" and Not my enemy.  Also she is apparently stupid as she has things about her family and photos posted online.  Her stupidity to me is the biggest indicator that she is in MLC, as my H is also stupid or has at least forgotten he married a fairly intelligent woman. 

Yes, I know this was a bit venomous.  Better for me to get it out here. 

[Buggy31]

Again, I don't worry about her at all, I mostly worry that my H can forgive himself. That is going to be the huge thing that keeps him upset. He will forgive, though, eventually. He's a very guilty person in general, never mind the MLC monster.

I feel the same way M&H.  I am not worried about the relationship.  I know where it's going.  I do worry about how my husband will deal with the guilt. He also can't handle guilt.  He does his darndest to escape it which is why I think he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.  Whenever I see the depression come up then I feel his escapism and anger. 

[Trustandlove]

The woman who was the catalyst for H leaving was a complete nutter; a new age practitioner, much younger, bad breath (I knew her) and that didn't last long. 

Since then what little I know has been that there has been quite a variety of "types" -- from someone with traits similar to me to long-hair flicking good-time party girls, none of whom has seemed to have been "the one".

I've actually thought that it's better if there is just one alienator, so that can just burn itself out.  In my case he was/is? searching....   I'm just hoping that he finally realises that what he really wants has been right here all along.   

At the beginning I know he wanted someone "lighthearted" -- he told me that I was too serious, that he wanted to live lightheartedly, not taking anything seriously.  But since he's said that he doesn't want to be a father to anyone else's children, that others "have their own issues"....  so slowly he is seeing that the grass isn't greener, but so far it hasn't made any difference to his stance.   Even though he sees many positives about me, he says he "isn't one to go back". 

Yikes -- writing that out was quite painful....  but I'll leave it, as it illustrates a very different situation from many here. 

[LIVINSTRONG]

ow is 40 has been married at least 3 times , one son in his early 20's, 1 grandchild that she has not been allowed to see very much .
She smokes and drinks ( not that i think that is terrible as I like to do that sometimes myself) her language is very foul, f this f that  I have been told the she tells him to shut the f up and called him stupid f...er , this mostly occurs when she is drinking, the name calling that is.
H told me she is very outspoken, I asked him if that is what he liked about her , he said no it's overkill most of the time. When she is sober i am sure she treats him good. He has told me that she is tolerable, it's a free place to stay. He does think about getting his own place just trying to get his business established. I hate that it makes him sound like such a user and jerk totally not the kind of person he was.
All the things I mentioned are things he hates about people in general and worse whne a woman has a foul mouth he always hated that. Really dislikes a drunk because his father is a bad drunk and was violent when they where young and H can't stand to be around a drunk ....but now he lives with one ....wtf (excuse my lang.)

[leftylulu]

OW is 29, last I heard unemployed, lives with her parents, heart condition, can't have kids, drug and alcohol addiction, gets wasted and craps all over her self. He can't have an intelligent conversation with her, he liked that I made him think. If it is true that they break up and go back he is with this again but he stays with her so she must have a place of her own or maybe he pays rent on his house and hers who knows. If he's at her house he doesn't have to deal with his world but this alienates him from his son. His son doesn't like her and won't see his dad if he's with her. When he came back for 2 months last December during their break up and we did some serious talking about her, very open very calm. I spent a lot of time just listening and I also made him treat her with decency because I know how it felt when he treated me like crap. He apologized up one side and down the other for hurting me with her. Then poof he left again, I haven't heard from him since Feb. Last summer was the worst, MONSTER was in town. This year is better because I am not going through the drama unless it is self created. Letting go of control is very hard when I have always been a control freak, but it's getting better, the control issue.

[Rollercoasterider]

Sorry for the delayed response but sometimes I don't see all questions--correction, often I don't! 

And  this weekend I am gone as I am at a conference the the rest of today and early tomorrow--it started yesterday, and then I am at a wedding through Sunday. I will be back and start answering my coaching requests upon returning.
 

what is the difference btw an emotion and feeling?

Here is an excerpt from the article about the Contrasexual Complexes in my Shadow series that should help to answer your question.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/shadow-anima-animus.html
Feeling and mood are mutually exclusive; the former is the rational assignment of value to an object or experience and the latter is an emotional temper tantrum or emotion that is overwhelmed and controlled by the anima—the feminine aspect. A mood is unstable and swiftly changing emotion. Emotion, often confused with feeling, lacks the rationality of feeling; it is the amount of energy emitted by an object or experience or the energy within an active complex.
 

Do you have any information and insight about the dynamics of a crisis when both H and OW are in MLC?  Does it make any sort of difference?

I don't have anything specific as this is a perfectly normal situation within MLC.  Female MLCers frequently display Borderline Personality Disorder or Histrionic PErsonality Disorder traits, so I recommend you read the personalit disorders series.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/affairandmidlifecrisispersonalitydynamics_personalitydisorder.html
Male MLCers tend toward Narcissism. But none of that means that those people are BDP, HDP or NPD...rather those traits are part of the MLC.

[Buggy31]

[quoteBut none of that means that those people are BDP, HDP or NPD...rather those traits are part of the MLC.[/color][/font][/size]

[/quote]

Could one of these PD be coming to the surface of an MLCer?  In other words could a mental illness be buried within the Shadow after being hidden for most of their life or expressed to a lesser degree than what is seen in MLC?  Could MLC be a time when such disorders are revealed?  Will the MLC help to heal such things?   It seems like most PDs are the results of emotional wounds.  How would you know the difference btw a true PD and an MLC PD?

[stillhere]

[/quote]

Could one of these PD be coming to the surface of an MLCer?  In other words could a mental illness be buried within the Shadow after being hidden for most of their life or expressed to a lesser degree than what is seen in MLC?  Could MLC be a time when such disorders are revealed?  Will the MLC help to heal such things?   It seems like most PDs are the results of emotional wounds.  How would you know the difference btw a true PD and an MLC PD?
[/quote]

Buggy, I don't have an answer to your questions.  I suspect a psychiatrist would differentiate based upon the number of characteristics an individual displays over a period of time. 

I do know that my therapist, based upon my description of H's behavior, has indicated he is not a narcissit, but certainly is displaying some of those characteristics right now.  (Dead on there RCR!0 

I don't know enough about the OW in this case to fully determine her characteristics, but I suspect she is closer to a HDP.  Pictures, tidbits I've picked up seem to indicate that is the case.  I'll have to give some thought to how a NDP and an HDP might interact.  I know it can't be good in the long term. 

[Buggy31]

I believe my H is displaying NPD and the OW is BPD.  I'm starting to questions if some of those characterisitics were there before, of course to a lesser degree than what we are seeing now.  Also if someone is an Accomadator and good at masks a PD might be hidden or excused for other things.  Just some thoughts I am having.  My husband is still seeing a psychotherapist who uses cog beh therapy so we'll see I guess.