[LearningIamOk]

Peony, what great comments. I remember too crying until I threw up. I don't think I have come as far as you have, but I have made great strides. It's so wonderful that you shine so much that others can notice.

BRAVO!!!!!

[osb]

Maybe I'm at the middle of the beginning, maybe the beginning of the middle, who knows... The pain and shock are gone, my mind seems to have expanded to include limbo as a way of living.

There must be something incredibly zen-master like about the ability to find joy in one breath while not knowing what the next breath will bring. I don't think I've quite got the trick of it yet. But as my mother used to say when I was a kid, "bitter is just another taste". And pain is just another feeling, as valid to have experienced as any other. I get a lot of wisdom and calm from reading what you guys have written here.

As for H, I truly don't know what he will do next. What I know now though, is that deep down inside, he was and is a good person and I would be blessed to have another chance to spend the rest of my life with him. I have accepted that that is not in my hands though and I will be happy either way.

I love this, Peony; am seeking this level of detachment. Right now, I don't think I'd be perfectly happy either way... want my H back... but not H as he is right now (so perhaps I've detached somewhat). He is a good person, but he's battling two snakes: resentment and guilt. He has to defeat both of them, or he'll just show up with the remaining one still dangling around his neck, and I'll have to show him the door. Metaphorically speaking.

[Anjae]

If our spouses also feel the need to create some movement? 

I think they need constant movement. At least replayers. They never stop. They are always running, jumping from one thing to another, or from mates to mates, og going places. Maybe this is all just physical movement and it is not the same type of movement we want/need, would like to see…

Do we have any return/reconciliation stories from those who were in a middle for several years?

Good question. I also would like to know. Maybe OP or RCR can answer that…

[Trustandlove]

I have a friend in RL whose H returned after 5+ years, as I said earlier....  she went through a long "middle".  She says she remembers looking at a sign she has in her home that says "nothing is impossible for God", and just asking "when, God?" in despair....  but he did return.

I think again that we hear so few return stories because if and when they do return, the LBS rarely stay on the forums.  They then concentrate on RL. 

So again, we in the "middle", are a self-selecting group.

This is an excellent, thought-provoking discussion; it has stayed in my mind.

I think the middle is where it starts to really dawn on us that we truly can't "do" anything to make our spouses return.  During the earlier part we are concentrating so much on first of all dealing with the shock, then when that calms down a bit we set about seeing what we need to do to work on ourselves, in between trying to understand what the h-e-double toothpicks is going on, then we try out a few ways of 'being' to see what happens (and yes, we try different things to see what kind of response we get from our spouses....) and so on.

In the middle we start to see that this just isn't going to be over quickly, either for them or for us.  It's the point where we have lived on our own, or rather without them, for long enough that we've established a life, we waver between liking that life and worrying that we're moving ever further from having a life with them. 

It's where we move from marking time to living our lives. 

And, like so much of this and actually any major life-changing event, progress is so often only seen in the rear-view mirror. 

[ember]

After reading all the previous comments, I think I am in the minority here. I am no longer standing and don't want to offend anyone. I am now 3yrs and a bit post BD. I separated and divorced fairly quickly to protect myself financially, with a tiny thought in the back of my mind that even though we are divorced, we could still try again one day if he ever decided to come back.  Well, Im not sure when I decided that I was not going to live like that, hoping and praying and waiting for his return. We have very little contact, only what pertains to the kids. We are civil and there has never been any relationship discussion post divorce.  Once I started to GAL and realized that I could function and even thrive on my own, my thoughts of him became fewer and fewer. After 3 years, he has become "someone I used to know" and someone I have to text or email with because of the kids. I guess you could say that I am at the end of the middle or the beginning of the end? I do not want to reconcile. If he asked I would say no. I have started to date and I am enjoying it. My life is so very different and better than it was with him, I can't ever see going back to the way it was. I figure that Life is way too short and I have only so much time to cross the things off my bucket list.
I understand why people stand and everyone's relationships are different. Perhaps my marriage just wasn't worth saving. He obviously thought so and perhaps he was right. 

[What Next]

Ember

I'm just jumping in here to say your post is very welcome and in no way offensive. I believe we need to see all angles of this 'process' for and about ourselves.  Personally I tired very quickly of the 'fake it til you make it' and 'act as if' tactics.  My life has to be lived, not faked or acted. 

I am finding it hard to determine which direction I take from this 'middle' point and while I appreciate the 'time' to heal from the hurt, I need to accept it has happened and find a way to move forward or move on.

Thank you for posting, what you wrote may very well be my reality someday and I found it positive to know that life can be enjoyed again.  I wish you continued healing and joy in your new life.

X

[Mitzpah]

In the middle we start to see that this just isn't going to be over quickly, either for them or for us.  It's the point where we have lived on our own, or rather without them, for long enough that we've established a life, we waver between liking that life and worrying that we're moving ever further from having a life with them. 

It's where we move from marking time to living our lives. 

And, like so much of this and actually any major life-changing event, progress is so often only seen in the rear-view mirror.

I agree wholeheartedly with this T&L!

Although I still haven't established a life, I am moving towards that as I plan for my third Christmas and New Year with MLC and the second without h. Just the beginning of the middle, I suppose.

Last night, I had a moment of despairing and crying out to the Lord as your friend of the 5+ years describes, but today I am much more peaceful and still in this for the long run!

I am following this discussion thread avidly and learning to live in the now.

[OldPilot]

My life is so very different and better than it was with him, I can't ever see going back to the way it was. I figure that Life is way too short and I have only so much time to cross the things off my bucket list.
I understand why people stand and everyone's relationships are different. Perhaps my marriage just wasn't worth saving. He obviously thought so and perhaps he was right.

Thought I would jump in here with my .02

You still need to get to a point where what he does has no effect on you. and you remain in a detached state.

No one here will go back to their marriage the way it was - a new relationship must be formed with anyone.
Whether it is our first marriage or someone new.

I know lots of divorced people that tell me they have great relationships with their ex, even though they have both moved on.

I think that is what we need to strive for that even if right now there is no control over that outcome.
You do have history with this person and no one can take that away.

If you have children then there is all the more reason to get to that spot.

i dont think it means that we pursue, or that we change anything we learn here.
But we are open to forgiveness and healing

[Musica]

Interesting stuff.

I guess I'm in the middle BD Jan 2010 but monster and strange behaviour going on through 2009. My H is a real clinger ... has had 2 OW and lived here for all 2010 apart from 4 days in January when he left then came back. I kicked him out in Feb 2011, he started coming back in December 2011, and moved in June 2012.

He's just gone again about a week ago says he needs to sort himself out. Each time he has gone to MILs house. He doesn't want to live with anyone else he says, he wants freedom ... but wants me and our 2 D's to accept that he will have an OW. I guess he wants and 'open' marriage. And I don't. So I feel like I'm in the middle of the mess he creates, as he is such a clinger.

[Peony2012]

After reading all the previous comments, I think I am in the minority here. I am no longer standing and don't want to offend anyone. I am now 3yrs and a bit post BD. I separated and divorced fairly quickly to protect myself financially, with a tiny thought in the back of my mind that even though we are divorced, we could still try again one day if he ever decided to come back.  Well, Im not sure when I decided that I was not going to live like that, hoping and praying and waiting for his return. We have very little contact, only what pertains to the kids. We are civil and there has never been any relationship discussion post divorce.  Once I started to GAL and realized that I could function and even thrive on my own, my thoughts of him became fewer and fewer. After 3 years, he has become "someone I used to know" and someone I have to text or email with because of the kids. I guess you could say that I am at the end of the middle or the beginning of the end? I do not want to reconcile. If he asked I would say no. I have started to date and I am enjoying it. My life is so very different and better than it was with him, I can't ever see going back to the way it was. I figure that Life is way too short and I have only so much time to cross the things off my bucket list.
I understand why people stand and everyone's relationships are different. Perhaps my marriage just wasn't worth saving. He obviously thought so and perhaps he was right.

Ember, I wanted to comment on your post, too. I agree with WN has written, I am grateful for your post, don't feel offended at all - quite the opposite!
I think it's important that while we travel this road, we find our OWN truths. For me, that was one of the most difficult things to learn and a lot of hard work - NOT to listen to anyone else's opinion, just follow my own instinct and my own gut. God, how many times did I WISH I could divorce and move on like you have. But I had to be true to myself and learn that that wasn't 'me'. The more time goes by, the longer I 'stand' and stay in our house, the more I get people saying: "It's time to move on, it's been too long, yada yada"... but I CAN'T. It's not that I feel sad about it, or stupid, or stuck... I just - it would be against my deepest beliefs to pack up and move out. Where that little voice in my head (very calmly and quietly telling me to just stay where I am right not) comes from, I don't really know.. I just know it's there!
I still feel a massive connection to H too. I have NO idea why - but it's there.

So, you felt you wanted to protect yourself, you wouldn't want to reconcile - I think that's fair! And I think it's great that you've come to a place where you feel your life is better now than it was before. 

I think that's what everyone on here wants and deserves... whatever the outcome.

LOVE
peony xxx