[Trustandlove]

This is interesting; I had never thought of my MLCer as low-energy, maybe because I was thinking of how he himself generally is.  Which is a hyper hive of activity. 

But with regards to his MLC it seems to have slid into a low energy mode....  RCR in her coaching post said that he's blank -- just going along with whoever is making the decisions as long as there is no conflict.  He is not Monster.

He was high-energy at first; in full-on Replay.  He wouldn't admit to an OW then; now I know there was one, the typical kind.  But that ended.  Since then he has been drifting a little, keeping on trying one thing after another that turns out not to be the holy grail.

He had a breakdown of sorts after 2 1/2 years; that is when I would say that full-on Replay petered out, but it didn't result in any substantial change....    he is continuing his "new" life.   But OTOH he has never tried to pick up the divorce action that he threatened at at the beginning, while in full-on Replay (and clearly under the influence of that OW, I now know...)

In some ways he is living his fantasy; the designer flat, the great car, the holidays.  But I know other things aren't so good.

With regards to me he just avoids conflict; is actually very cordial, wants to "help".  As long as there isn't any conflict.    I guess it's just easier for him to continue this life rather than to try to change it.  And he isn't afraid of losing me, i.e. doesn't get jealous -- perhaps that is also because he just doesn't have too many feelings over all?

So I'm putting out there that they can switch modes?

[OldPilot]

Sounds like he is in depression/withdrawal stage to me.
I mean all of MLC is depression so is his depression now Overt, or is it still Covert.
To me if he is still in covert depression(masked) then it would not be low-energy.
But that is just my opinion,

[Trustandlove]

I'm not sure of the definitions of low and high energy here.  My H has always had a lot of energy, like Still's H, he puts a huge amount of energy into work and certain other activities, hobbies which have become work.  He still seeks out pleasure, just not the manic way he did in full-on replay.  It seems more like it's "just how it is after all this time".  Like he's used to it. 

Although he did do some major renovation work to the flat last summer; I guess that qualifies as high-energy stuff.  But his actions towards me aren't monster, they are more "covert conflict" rather than overt -- i.e. not telling me about where he is rather than taunting me.

So his depression is still mostly masked, I guess....   but he's being very passive where I am concerned. 

As for him being in depression/withdrawal; well, if he's there, he's been there a long time....    or he's come back to there again.  I think in my case the 'stages' are pretty useless, to tell you the truth.  But I do know that he hasn't made any final decisions either, he's just drifting. 

RCR says, and I think she's right, that he needs to react to some external force.  Trouble is, we have no way of knowing what might do it, and I already know that trying to manufacture that force doesn't work. 

[limitless]

T and L,
Your posts really hit me.
I see my H as just drifting, as well.
There is no Monster, actually there was very little of that - even at the beginning.
Now there is just this deafening silence.
The glimpses that I have had are of a man feeling terribly sorry for himself, unable to communicate/relate to his family (me or the kids).
I also think that something needs to happen to shake him up.  But, I know that it can't be manufactured - especially by me.
On Friday, I guess when he was at our home (waiting for the insurance man) he just sat in the den watching TV.  When my daugher came home from her game - he asked her how practice was.  She said that she had had a game.  She told him that she had two more next week and I guess he replied that he had the schedule and knew when her games where.
Pre BD, my H never missed our D's games.  He is so withdrawn and separated from us - it's like we almost don't even exist anymore.  And yet, he takes care of getting us new insurance and he is doing our taxes - (I suppose - although I haven't heard anything more about that).

I also think that the stages are of little importance.  Based on time - BD is almost 8 months ago - it's Replay.  And I guess his Replay is Avoidance.  As my H has a history of avoiding issues until he has no other choice but to address them - this could be a very loooonnnnggg time.  With his parents supporting all he does - he can avoid until whenever.  There is no pressure for him to do anything, there.

Just some thoughts.

L

[Trustandlove]

I'm glad I was able to articulate a few things for you, L. 

I keep trying to put things into words, and feeling like I'm missing somewhat.  Mine isn't unable to communicate, but it's like he keeps me at an arm's length, sort of as if he's making sure that he doesn't get too close.   He's better with the kids, though, and is affectionate with them. 

Sometimes he sounds like he's purposely trying to be upbeat, and sometimes he almost starts talking like he used to, then catches himself.  Often he puts on what I call his "company voice"; the one we all have that we use when we know we have to be polite, but don't want to engage.   I know I have one; I use it with my sister a lot.....

And about existing; well, I certainly don't exist for him.  With all I have been doing since BD, setting up a business, a website and all that, he hasn't asked one thing about what I'm doing.  He asked if I had looked at his company's website, I said I had and asked if he had looked at mine, he said no. 

I did once e-mail him some photos that eventually went on the site, this was at a point two years ago when we were talking quite a bit and spending some time together, and he did say that they were very good, but he has never looked or asked of his own volition. 

I can't do anything about it if he isn't interested. 

[Faith]

limitless, I can tell by what you write that you are feeling much like I am.  I just want SOMETHING to happen to shake my H up and force him to move in one direction or the other.  A couple meetings with our pastor didn't do it.  His parents also support him in whatever he wants to do.  There is just no end in sight.  I wonder if I just filed for divorce, or moved out with the kids if that would have an impact, but I just can't bring myself to take that step either.

The sermon in church today was about waiting.  The pastor spoke about people who are in pain for extended periods of time and how unfair and hopeless it feels.  But then he reminded us that God is doing work that we can't always see, and our job is to take our focus off our circumstances, focus on Him and how he is changing us (in good ways) through our difficult situations.  A quote I took away is "God doesn't waste pain".  It did encourage me to hang in for a while longer when everything in me wants this to end.

My H still goes to church with us when he's not snowmobiling, but sits hunched over with his face down most of the time.  He picks at his fingers, rubs his eyes a lot, anything to distract himself and tune out.  He is obviously uncomfortable.  Anyway, I guess I have to choose to believe that my pain isn't wasted and there is a greater purpose unfolding.  I hope that's true for all of us.

[Still]

I wonder if I just filed for divorce, or moved out with the kids if that would have an impact, but I just can't bring myself to take that step either.

Faith,

I would definitely not file for divorce because it may impact your MLC'er. That would likely backfire. They are often wanting the LBS to make that move because they truly are unsure of what they want. Pulling that trigger may go in a direction that you may not be able to stop. So, unless you are 100% positive you are ready to be divorced, I wouldn't suggest using it as a test. Just my thoughts.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Low energy doesn't mean low thinking. Often, they want the LBSer to pull the trigger or force the hand. They then can blame the LBSer for the end of the marriage or being kicked out.

While mine remains a low energy MLCer, I am aware that I could easily create a high energy MLcer if I push her or draw too many lines in the sand. Right now, she is content to stay in the study, sleep on the floor, and do nothing else.

I have learned that the first thing is to maintain my own high energy and can do attitude around my low energy MLCer. Otherwise, she wallows and we wallow in pain. Now, I have noticed little things in how she reacts to us. She has come out to be with us more. She talks with us a little more. Yet, she then scurries back to her cave and will ignores us for hours.

My belief is that the low energy MLCer takes long because they tend to be in denial and refuse to face the demons that haunt them. They are content to hide or avoid all issues.

Of course, I have been thinking about connecting a few wires to an outlet and giving her a jolt. You think 15 seconds, 20 seconds or longer? Is there any research on this? Does someone want to try with me and compare notes? What air freshener works best to cover the smell of burning human flesh?

Have a good evening.

[limitless]

Ready,
You crack me up!
I think you are right about low energy MLCers.
My H doesn't seem to be able to take any action.  I guess walking out the door 6 months ago - pretty much wore him out.
I think a good zap from the electrical outlet COULD actually help.

Well, maybe not!

L

[Butterfly]

Ready

Were u thinking electro shock therapy or an old fashioned shock collar?

Butterfly