[kikki]

H doesnt like to have the girls together

I have noticed through out this whole crisis, that my H cannot handle more than one of our sons at a time either. 
He completely targets one at a time.  At first they found this very confusing and hurtful, but after all of this time, they have zero expectations of him. 

[Mamma Bear]

 Mine can handle both twice a month for 5 hours.
 Comes back and says "I don't know how you do it!" 
 They never slept over at OWs 2 miles away and we used to get really really nervous about him asking.
  D13 ended it beautifully one day. He texted "You are sleeping over this weekend!"
  She texted : No thanks!
  H texted : Why not?
  D13 texted: Because we don't want to.
  H texted : OK I won't ask again.
  D13 is a genius. That was too simple. She answered him like a teenager.

[Thundarr]

My kids were 6, 10 and 18 when XW announced she was leaving us and wanted to live alone.  For the first 3 months after she finally moved out S8 spent not one night with her and D12 only one.  They felt completely abandoned and rightfully so as XW would go almost a week without even calling to check on them after having been a doting and attentive parent for 18 years before that.  Thanks to Rover from LifeTwo and later friends here such as OP and Readytofixmyselffirst among many others I knew I had to take the mantle of fatherhood to a whole other level I had not yet even dreamed of.  My kids needed at least one person they could count on to ensure their safety and look out for their welfare and I knew it had to be me.  Since BD over 2 years ago there have only been 3-4 days that I have not seen the kids, and even on those days I talked to them on the phone at least once.  I got my ducks in a row so-to-speak and prepared for an all-out custody war to ensure my having primary custody was court-ordered and it was without any fight from XW along with garnished support from her.  But, even though I maintain primary custody along with educational and all other rights I have never prevented XW from seeing them nor them from seeing her.  I've laid out pretty strict boundaries that she has so far respected.  They have never seen an OM at her place when they visit her and she reports to me what they have eaten and where they have gone.  I don't need control over XW but I do need to make sure she is taking care of them when they are with her.  She is guaranteed only 6 days a month of seeing them but sees them more than that, although she still goes several days between contacts with them which I would prefer she did not.  If they want to stay with her or she wants to come and see or pick them up I gladly accommodate if possible, and she in turn makes a point to bring the kids by to see me on her weekends so that I'm able to see them every day.  I do think she does this for her own wants at times as she seems drawn to me, and often one or both will opt out of spending the whole weekend with her.  As SP said about her sitch my kids know this is their home and they always have the right to stay here when they want.  I will not force her relationship with them as that is between she and them, but I do think they are happiest and do better when she is in their lives more.  As far as co-parenting, perhaps what I am doing really isn't as I'm calling almost all of the shots but I really do think she is doing the best she can and from what I gather the kids do as well.  I hope they get from me that they should love their mother even though she's not being the mother they want her to be.  I hope this helps.

[Magnite38]

Thanks everyone.  My h has no idea how to parent and I don't think he really wants to but knows he has too.  I really am not happy having to send my kids to stay with h and OW, she is an extreme affair down.  The stories I have hear about her are disgusting but h is determined she will be in his life a long time so the kids need to be introduced.  My older two I am fine but h can't handle the baby and plans on passing her off to OW.  I will fight for baby's rights to stay in a healthy loving home.  The older two I will let dictate how often they stay with H and OW.  I don't trust them with baby though and until I am forced to hand her over I will not.  Especially when h is so absent in the kids lives and does nothing more then take the kids out for dinner once a week.  H has no involvement in the kids activities or doing anything special with them. 

I just got an email from h stating he was not a babysitter during our marriage so I could go out and he didn't want to be a babysitter now.  What? This is called parenting.  H is really messed up.  He is so cold and ugly even around the kids he really doesn't seem to care.  I kind of wish he would just take off and not subject us too this.  The kids can sense he is different and not really interested in them.  He goes 10 days without calling.  Takes off and doesn't let us know when his next visit will be and misses the ones that where scheduled. 

Once we go through the separation process, I will suggest for only one night every two weeks and one day mid week visit and see how this goes. I really thought he would pass on all over night visitation rights, he is so absent now. Regarding baby I'll say never, i know this is not possible but this is my starting point.  . She will never want to go with him, she doesn't know him and he is not trying too. The separation process is going to be a nightmare and i have been trying to hold it off, I am just not ready emotionally to deal with all this.  My h is a nightmare monster. 

[kikki]

Magnite, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.
My kids were all early teens, and my H was also a very out of control monster, and they have all chosen NOT to ever stay over night with him, and they despise the OW, so try to have as little to do with her as possible.

I can't begin to imagine what this must be like with younger children. 
I too would fight tooth and nail not to hand my baby over to those two.  A recipe for disaster.  I would research attachment disorders, and get a lawyer to be your advocate on this if you need one. 

Fingers crossed the novelty of the overnighters wanes with the other two too, and the kids can all remain together.  I know this is tough on you to always have them, but it's preferable to them being mucked around by a temporarily crazy Father, and a woman who you know very little about - and even less about her nurturing abilities. 

[Stillpraying]

. Magnite38, I would recommend getting some professional advice on handing the baby over. Particularly if it os over night. My D was 2 when H left and the mediator told him D may not cope being away from me as long as the boys could. She has since stayed with me an extra night on some weekends.

[Magnite38]

I emailed my lawyer about the baby and visitation.  H can not handle baby and won't take her overnights right now and won't take her if I don't want him too.  It is sad but I don't really want to even enforce day time visits with him and baby.  I will if it is without OW but I don't think he will go for that, he needs the help, he has no idea how to be a father.  He does not want to take the baby because it is to much work and plans on taking her when she is older.  Will she go with him when she is older?  She will never have a strong bond with her and will never really know him.

[kikki]

You're kind of caught between a rock and a hard place with all of this Magnite.
Neither way is ideal. Nothing about a MLC is ideal.
You just have to do what is best for your baby - and sadly, that will mean she will probably never bond with her Father.  That is not your fault. Just part of the awful fallout of this mess.

The way I used to look at it - depending on the day - my H used to emotionally regress anywhere between a two year old and a 17 year old on a good day. 
Would I trust him with my children?  Is he capable of having that responsibility right now?
Babies can't parent babies.  Teens also have a REALLY hard time parenting babies. 
Currently, he is not the man that you knew and trusted.

[Thundarr]

Good evening all!  I was having a long talk with D12 tonight about all the family had been through over the last 2-3 years and the changes in her mother that she is still struggling to come to grips with.  She used to be the closest child to her mother, now she is just the opposite and sometimes even gets left here if she's sleeping when XW comes to pick them up or if she even gives a little resistance.  She also described the way her mother's wardrobe has changed and used less-than-complimentary words.  But, the hardest part for her was XW abandoning the family and taking up with lawyer boy and his as if she prefers them over us.  She said that she has no one to talk to about all she's going through except us and her therapist because no one else understands as they've never been through this, and she brought up the question about where she might find other kids to talk to that would understand and share her experiences.  SO.......I came up with the idea of helping our kids connect with each other in the same way other kids' support groups such as Al-Anon and the various groups for kids whose parents are suffering from terminal illnesses and such.  I'm sure D12 is not the only one who would benefit from connecting with other kids who know what she's going through, and I imagine that many friendships might be borne just as several of us have developed relationships that will last far beyond our MLCers exiting the tunnel.  So, I'm proposing those of us with kids talk to them and gauge their interest and then we can exchange numbers and set up a time that we can monitor their conversations if need be and hopefully help them to heal through shared experiences!!

Thoughts, guys?

[Lost]

Hi Thundarr,

Interested! Not sure about how to in detail, and will be difficult for the next two months (kids just left to stay 3 weeks with my mum, then we will go on holiday together with intention of having little internet contact to really disconnect end resourrce) but after that: yes, I think it can halp. I have a D12, BD was a year ago. I have not talked about MLC, for us it is just 'daddy is a bit confused for the moment and he cannot decide'.... D12 speaks quite well English, but it is not her first language though.

Lost