[Snowdrop]

TT

I have been told by H that it needs to stop

[toughtimes]

This is so good for us to share our experiences, what works and what doesn't. Thanks so much everyone.
I am with my friend and her two boys, her H left long time ago, MLC as we now know! We are just talking of pros and cons being alone ... Of course mostly cons but there are a few pros, no bickering, nagging and we can do things our own way! No consolation in any way, but after a couple of glasses of wine our natural instinct is to look on the bright side! ;-)

Hugs to all you wonderful mums you are all gorgeous!

[in it]

  As they get older their understanding will change and hopefully I can explain and help these kids to become healthy well adjusted adults with little FOO issues.

Mine are a little older and I am concerned with the psychological damage they are absorbing being with him for the last few months.

Well if and when I see them again I'll be able to tell. And hopefully be able to show them what a healthy EMOTIONALLY and MENTALLY person I am compared to him. Again I didn't do this for THEM. It just happened and NO CONTACT was the answer in order for me to heal and that was MY idea believe me.

 He wanted to play more games? I stopped that IN IT'S TRACKS.

[Moving Forward]

Hey TT,
You know this issue is something so very close to my heart. I have put my kids best interests at the heart of every decision I have made during the last 4 years. My exH is an MLCer to the 't' and his behaviour is still out there and weird even 4 years later!

I have an amazing friend who gave me some very good advice at the start of this in that she told me that as long as I was ok and that my kids see their Dad 'regularly and consistently' then they will be ok. MLCer's are right when they say that kids are resilient but this statement is only true as long as lots of other things are in place to support them during a time of great change. My exH uses this kind of statement to justify his behaviour and also I believe in some stupid way he believes it - he sees two well adjusted kids who are in touch with all of their family and he firmly believes that he is the one who has made this happen. This belief is very frustrating from my perspective but it is further proof my his delusional thinking in my view. The thinking he clings to for dear life because to think anything else at this stage would open up a Pandora's box.

These books might not be exactly what you're looking for but I mention them because the impact of divorce on children hurts for generations, anything I do today will reap dividends for generations in my view. I read Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages - all of them!! and they have been amazingly helpful and practical to ensure my kids feel loved by me.

I also read Silent Sons and Terence Real's books on depression, these were invaluable in spurring me on to ensure I behaved in a consistent way with my children day in day out, when I was tired and fed and when I was happy! I have read books about passive aggression and how to spot it in people and how to avoid it as a coping strategy - as well as books on dealing with manipulative people - these helped me model my behaviour towards my exH and other situations so that I showed my children there are many ways of dealing with adversity and hard situations.

updated with these 2 after original post:-

I also read 'They F*** You Up' by Oliver James, this is well worth the read - he is a UK psychologist and describes how we have been raised and the impact on our children. It is physically impossible to raise two siblings in exactly the same way, which helped me not only understand the dynamic between my 2 children but also between me and my sister a bit more! Philip Larkin wrote a very simple poem by the same name and is worth looking up - but it does have swear words!!

I also downloaded a document by Judith S Wallerstein PhD and Julia M Lewis PhD, called 'The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce' which was a 25 year study. Hard work but shows what we do today can make a very real difference to how our children navigate their parent's split.

I remain uber vigilant about maintaining good communications with my kids because they are growing up quickly and being a teen is not an easy ride. I have to say one of the most significant things I did was 'stand' - this gave me a healing period and also showed my kids that I wasn't going to abandon them too.

This is a great discussion because we often focus on the MLCer and our hurt in the context of the breakdown of our relationship. Children are victims in all of this too and discussions like this share choices which we can use to help our kids.

((Hugs))

P
xx

[in it]

I believe in some stupid way he believes it - he sees two well adjusted kids who are in touch with all of their family and he firmly believes that he is the one who has made this happen. This belief is very frustrating from my perspective but it is further proof my his delusional thinking in my view.

The former mlcer used to say what a good job we did with them...well that was almost true... until he went down the rabbit hole BIG TIME.

 When you do a good job I've found out someone else will claim the credit..but if something isn't right you're the one to blame.

Keep those kids in the forefront for as long as possible.

[in it]

I was on page one when I read this:

Obviously I'm not the best judge of character lately when it comes to men

Thanks for the chuckle this morning..I wonder about mine also....

[iamnottheenemy]

Hi TT,

What a good thread!  Here are some articles I probably found on here a while back:

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/meetingyourchildsneeds/f/Should-You-Tell-Your-Child-About-The-Affair.htm

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700140213/Its-not-just-about-the-couple-infidelity-can-cause-lasting-damage-to-children.html?pg=all

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/05/28/arnold-schwarzeneggers-affair-how-infidelity-affects-the-kids.html

[iamnottheenemy]

Here's three more:

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html

http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2011-10-20/opinions/35278848_1_divorce-rate-divorce-process-divorce-cases

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/dont-even-think-divorcing-until-220600180.html

[iamnottheenemy]

TT,

Now I've finished going through my 150+ pages of MLC documentation.  Here's the most recent on divorce and kids, from yesterday's Daily Mail:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2417816/D-I-V-O-R-C-E-The-kids-arent-alright--Grown-children-divorced-families-say-effects-parents-split.html

[Snowdrop]

Mentioned on here before when I took kids to see psychologist, he asked me to get them to draw a picture of their family at Christmas time, then a few days later, I was to ask them to draw a picture of their family today. 

I thought he would be looking for smiles, etc in the drawings, but not at all, he was looking for any symbol of their dad.  He said that often, children will put the spouse who left, somewhere in the picture if they are still not quite understanding the parent has left, or their role.  He said sometimes it might be a big part of the drawing, but sometimes just a little something resembling them in a corner.

Interesting.

My kids did all of us plus pets, and not a single symbol of H.  Phew!