[Dagolark]

Attaching. Love that last quote.

[StillStanding]

http://boggletheowl.tumblr.com/post/61998776279

This is a pretty good metaphor for depression, too.

[StillStanding]

https://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/status/479725319155232768

When you aren't making progress in your relationship, don't worry. Sometimes the best thing you can do is NOT make things worse.

[StillStanding]

[Venus]

Wow Stillstanding,I love that about detachment.  I am beginning to feel like that, like a free spirit again.   

Love & Light
Venus x

[stayed]

Love it!  What a great truth!

Hugs Stayed

[StillStanding]

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/healing-infidelity-alone

[...] Going solo in recovery from infidelity happens all too often, but the difficulties of that journey aren’t just caused by one’s mate choosing not to cooperate, often what is just as painful is the lack of support from others who they thought would be there for them. “Did I miss something? Am I to blame? Did I do something wrong?” are often thoughts running through people’s minds. The resulting lack of support makes going it alone in healing from infidelity even more challenging. How does one cope and move forward into health when no one seems to be supportive and is it even possible to create change if you’re the only one doing the work?

Infidelity can polarize people like no other life event. Everyone seems to have predetermined opinions as to how he or she would respond and how others should respond when they discover infidelity in marriage. Those predetermined opinions can create difficult circumstances if your decisions don’t match their preconceived notions. The ensuing disappointment can leave either the injured or the unfaithful spouses on their own when it comes to working on the relationship and healing from infidelity. Tragically those caught in this dilemma find recovery even more challenging due to isolation and the disapproval from their former support system.

Going solo also occurs when either the hurt or unfaithful spouse is unwilling to get help or address the problems created by the infidelity. If someone’s best choices have brought them to a place they never intended to be, why would they think that continuing with the same beliefs and behaviors will now somehow get them out of there? Regardless of the reasons, it’s not uncommon for one spouse in the marriage to refuse help, leaving the other mate alone in their attempts to save the marriage. In that circumstance can one person really make a difference?

The answer is an emphatic yes! In fact in most cases, it’s changes made by just one of the partners that brings about marital change. Marriages don’t change bilaterally they change unilaterally. It takes both husband and wife covertly colluding to continue the same relational patterns to keep the marriage the same. If only one person changes the relational dance the other partner has no choice but to adapt in response to that change. For example, if one partner withdraws and stops engaging their mate they effectively change the dance of the marriage. If one party chooses to adopt healthier response patterns or to eliminate destructive response patterns the marital dance has to change. The person going solo in recovery from infidelity isn’t powerless; rather they’re the only one willing to make a difference.

Going it alone isn’t about trying to control or manipulate one’s mate into change; rather it’s about taking responsibility for their own behavior and choosing to alter their own response patterns to ones which promote health. Attempts at changing one’s mate have little if any effectiveness in improving marriage. However, the person going it alone can certainly explore how to grow into the person they want to be and how to alter their responses to promote health regardless of their mate’s behavior. It’s those positive changes made by the person who is working on their personal recovery that challenge their mate’s perspective and begin to create new hope that things could be different. Without the proof of change why would the disengaged party have hope?

At the very least, those who choose health and choose to address their personal issues grow as a result of what’s happened. My mate is never my problem, but my mate always reveals the problem in me. If at the very least the person going it alone will use the crisis of the infidelity as a catalyst for change, then personal transformation will occur and they will develop a deeper capacity for love and compassion.

[StillStanding]

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/proper-use-of-boundaries-in-marriage

There's more in the article, including an example of how to set and enforce boundaries.

If someone steps on my foot I’ll probably say “ouch”. If they do it time after time I will eventually tell them to stop because they’re hurting me. The process of telling them to stop is where a boundary is set. I’m telling them their actions are hurting me and they need to stop stepping on my foot. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, if they don't stop.

At that point I’ve set the “don’t step on my foot boundary." Notice, my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and I know what I’m going to do in order to protect myself.

Relationships are no different. At times our mate “steps on our foot” and hurts us. We have several ways we can respond:

1.     We can ignore it and just hope it doesn’t happen again. (this may be okay if it's a first offense, but if there's a repetitive pattern more may need to be done before you grow resentful or worse, empower their behavior).

2.     We can say “ouch” and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again.

3.     We can withdraw and make sure they don’t ever have an opportunity to step on us again.

4.     We can stomp on their foot so they’ll know what it feels like and will be more careful next time.

5.     We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is not OK.

6.     After setting the boundary we could also let them know what we’re going to do to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one’s foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. Some are helpful and others aren’t. The goal for boundaries is self-protection and relationship regulation. Within a relationship, the absence of a feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds limits our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate what they appreciate about their mate, what their mate is doing that’s wounding them and they take responsibility for their hurtful actions by making amends for having wounded them. Without these three forms of communication it’s difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them?

Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationship. There are boundaries that define our space as a couple. These boundaries help protect our relationship. They define monogamy for our marriage and our rules of engagement. If others cross these boundaries we feel they are interfering with our lives. If one of the partners crosses that boundary, they betray the agreement they have with their mate.

We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are bumped, out of respect, concern and heartfelt empathy for us, the person violating the boundary will make amends and make it a point to honor our boundaries. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we’ll need to do what is necessary to enforce them.

While boundaries are essential for defining how we’re to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate’s fear of the consequence will get them to stop the destructive behaviors or patterns. While that fear may serve as a short term deterrent, it won’t work as a long term solution.

[StillStanding]

EDIT: Whatever picture I had linked to is gone now.

[StillStanding]

https://twitter.com/DivorceBusting/status/498872449060974593

Are people telling you to quit fighting for your marriage? Never take advice from someone who doesn't have to live with its consequences