[Dontgiveup]

This is not like him.

Midlife crisis is a crisis of identity.

Here is something RCR wrote that may be helpful.

He’s regressed to adolescence when he experimented with various identities. But remember none are real yet, though all contain bits of validity because they are pieces of him. Those pieces are often the bits and pieces he is rediscovering from his Shadow. When he gets to Liminality he will sort through them and decide which ones to keep.

[trusting]

LWH, I will also concur with Ready. It seems to be quite common that around the two year mark the MLCer will distance themselves further.  Many of us have experienced that.  My H indeed distanced himself incredibly around that time and it continued for about two years before he started un-distancing noticeably. Just hang tight. As Ready says, he will stick his head out to check in again. It is very difficult but hopefully it will help to know it is all part of MLC.

[living with Hope]

Difficult, devastating and destroying.

[Poppy]

New question......

Why do they seem to distance themselves around the two year mark?

What changes?

Nearly 32 months post BD....he's further away than ever...distanced himself from  me and now our two Ss are feeling it too.

He's not seen our Ss since fathers day....he calls them once a week on a Fri....the calls are now coming quite late in the evening..after 10pm and only lasting 5/10mins max.

The longest he's gone without seeing our Ss was at the one year post BD mark, he never came near them for fifteen weeks.

Thank you in advance ...poppy x

[Ready2Transform]

New question......

Why do they seem to distance themselves around the two year mark?

What changes?

Nearly 32 months post BD....he's further away than ever...distanced himself from  me and now our two Ss are feeling it too.

He's not seen our Ss since fathers day....he calls them once a week on a Fri....the calls are now coming quite late in the evening..after 10pm and only lasting 5/10mins max.

The longest he's gone without seeing our Ss was at the one year post BD mark, he never came near them for fifteen weeks.

Thank you in advance ...poppy x

From the articles:  MLCers may move on the spectrum--though they remain relatively static most of the time. When they move, they usually stay in a contact type for long periods. Some are Boomerangs in early and even late MLC but may Vanish once things seem finished--the divorce is final and either of you may have a new relationship. This may include vanishing from your children's lives.   http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html

This crisis is built on its need for separation, and they do seem to reach a point where they need to go farther to test their choices.  They are in denial of the life they had before, and for whatever reason (I think the big "why" is the million dollar question), they need to be without our judgment, accountability, or responsibility.  Like a teen out on their own!  This unfortunately creates an unstable environment for your kids, but you already know that he can't really be counted on.  That's the one thing the earlier stages prepare you for.

He probably also has a lot of shame and guilt that is manifesting as this wall he is building to keep people from seeing him, and to keep his responsibilities low.  It is not fair, but if it serves a purpose of showing him how awful life would be without you all (and gives you all an opportunity to learn you could truly survive and thrive without him), then it has done some sort of job in all of this. 

[Poppy]

I have a better understanding now....

Thank you

Thinking back to the 15weeks he disappeared at the 1yr post BD.....perhaps he felt he'd survived a whole year without us....therefore he didn't need us??

Plus he'd found a new supply of money.....so maybe that had more to do with it!


Well we are certainly surviving and thriving......so much has changed since he's been gone....ive changed....the boys have changed....our lives are moving forward without him....even our home has changed....nearly every room is completely different.....I'm unsure he would ever fit back into our family unit again.....

Thank you x

[holdinon2hope]

New Question..

What usually happens around the 6-7 month post BD?  H is saying its my fault he left. That the 1 affair I had was nothing compared to his 5 plus getting 1 woman pregnant and having an abortion..how Ia it my fault?  My dad passed away in 2010 and things changed for the both of us..he withdrew, I left him then came back and he talks about the pain I caused him when I left him alone.  Ik I hurt him n I have appologized for it.  I came back because i loved him..lil over a yr later he leaves me.  H was talking about revenge for what I did..that he never got his revenge on me or the guy.  How do I talk to him or can I talk to him now?  Ow has H so wound around her finger yet ik hr still thinks about our marriage cause H says if a lot.  So Ik he thinks about it, I just wish I could get him to understand I didn't leave him for another man as he thinks I did, do to the fact he seen my pic on a dating site.  I was done and I was moving on..or maybe u was just so confused i didnt know what to do?  Idk, but I do know I love this man my H and I want him to know he is the only one for me..even tjough he has treated me like $h!te n cheated for yrs.  Help please?!?!

[Ready2Transform]

There isn't a hard and fast 'schedule' - just some general time frames that you can usually align as you look back.  For MLC, 6-7 months is very, very early.  Probably lots of Replay, the infatuation with the OP, and the kind of Monster antics you're talking about where you are still blamed for most things. 

All you can really do is turn the attention toward yourself, securing your finances, and deciding the best course of action.  There is a lot of unhealthy stuff here to heal from, and this can be a real opportunity for you to check out of his drama and find yourself.  We all learn that at BD, our marriages are over.  That doesn't mean we won't get an opportunity for a new relationship with the same person, based on a solid foundation we've laid with our shared past, but the quicker we can accept that there really isn't a 'going back' at this point, the better chance we will have to reconcile all that has happened to us amidst this. 

His choices are his - you are not responsible for them, nor for his happiness or lack thereof.  No marriage is perfect, even though some of us thought we were pretty close.  I can promise you that if you let it, this pain you feel now will subside, and you WILL feel healthier, more powerful, and more *yourself* sooner than you think.  That doesn't mean he isn't the one for you at all - I truly don't know what the story's end will be for you.  But I know that through acceptance, I have created a more stable life for myself that may ultimately be the lighthouse my true love is drawn to (whoever that true love is - but I'd like to think it's the man I married). 

{{{hugs}}}  These are the hardest days, friend.  It gets better.

[Broken Open]

Great explanation R2T for all of us still walking around in the "dazed and confused wondering what hit us mode". Thank you. 

[trusting]

Another explanation of the distancing at the two year mark is that it is the darkest part of the tunnel.  They cycle waaaaay more at the beginning and at the end of the crisis as they can see light at the end of the tunnel.  I think they are not as sure about what they want (they feel the need to escape and avoid but yet I think there is a part of them that knows they shouldn't) and they show their confusion more at both ends of the tunnel, so they tend to not be as distant.  In the middle of the tunnel they are so sure that this is what they want, don't want to be part of the family, etc., that they distance more then.  All they see is the darkness in the tunnel  Two years post BD is what RCR refers to as the "end of the beginning" of the crisis.