[jos1.9]

HI
I am trying to find on the internet if a traumatic childhood increases the likelihood of MLC?  So my question to this forum is 'Did your MLCer have a traumatic childhood?'

My MLCer has only recently told me that when he was a small child he would wake up in the night to hear his parents physically fighting and hitting each other.  He has never shared this with me before and we were married for 21 years.

In a recent argument that we had he put his hands up as if to shield his face and begged 'please don't hit me'.  I was shocked and I said to him 'Why would you think that I would hit you, I've not hit you before why do you think that now?' 

Obviously cos he is a MLCer and he doesn't like questions (AKA pressure) he avoided answering me.

Are there any resources anywhere that I can read to see if a traumatic / unhappy childhood increases likelihood of MLC ?

Thnx

[blindsided]

I don't know about likelihood but, my H had a childhood from a storybook. His family was not perfect for sure but he grew up in a mountain town with two parents who loved each other and their kids. They were good parents and he has no complaints in that department. He spent his days playing outside til the street lights came on and he has memories of building rafts and catapults and rubber band guns with his father. So as for me and my particular situation, no it was not really a factor.

[Dontgiveup]

From RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time

In Brief, MLC is about unresolved issues from childhood or adolescence. The MLCer must now resolve these issues and reintegrate the fragmented portions of the Self. Since these are issues of a younger person, they need to be resolved by that younger Self--thus the MLCer will regress in age.

[Superman]

My w had a very traumatic childhood. Parents separated & divorced twice. Her mom I think suffered MLC too the extreme. During this time they bounced around alot(moved 52 times before we met). She was abused at a young age and witnessed her siblings be abused.  I think that part of her has always been waiting for me to hurt her and now is trying to force it to happen because she feels not worth it.  Deep deep wounds and to not be able to help is terrible.

She has said her childhood was fine and has nothing to do with this---ummm ok. Long road ahead for sure.

Interesting topic that I'll follow along too.
If not traumatic childhood then I think the others might be unrealistic expectations growing up (per suit of perfection)
Good topic

[I believe in angels]

HI, i think my h mlc means he has gone back to about 16/17 when he was a teenager.  at that time his dad was so controlling of him and his mother almost ignored him really in favour of his older brother.  NOw he is regresssed teenager controlling (although) not very well, his life and  getting all the attention from his parents. NOt sure what he has to figure out though. x

[TrustingMyHP]

Mr. X's childhood was not something out of d!ckens but there were certainly traumatic aspects to it.

He was very intelligent but had severe dyslexia which made school a horror for him.  He failed his way through elementary and junior high causing his mother, who highly valued academic achievement, to become extremely angry with him.  He would hide his tests with their failing marks on them when he was in elementary school (under his mattress) and when his mother discovered them she beat him black and blue.

His mother returned to college full time when he was about 8 or 9 and she was pretty much unavailable for mothering duties resulting in her son going to school with no lunch, in mismatched shoes and un-ironed shirts (this was the 1950s when such things mattered!)  He would be teased and even shamed by his classmates and, once, one of his teachers, for his appearance.

One of his sisters recently told me he was extremely bullied in the public high school he attended for his freshman year.  I had known it had been a rough year for him, but his sister told me much more than he ever had (she was in the year ahead of him.)  It was so bad she told me she begged her mother to send him to a nearby private school.  His parents ended up doing that and his last 3 years of high school were his best K-12 education experience.

When he was around 12 he began experiencing what he called "night terrors."  He was unable to sleep in his own room because of it (he described them as waking nightmares) and slept on the floor of his parents bedroom instead.  I don't know how long that went on but it was more than just a few occasions according to what he described to me.

I know his parents took him to a therapist at some point during this period.  He only talked to me about it (during our 38 years together) a few times.  He seemed to not remember much about the therapy sessions.

His relationship with his father was distant.  He admired his father and longed for his dad's approval but felt like he never received it.  His father used to tell him he was "the laziest (racial slur) God ever made." 

We met and got married when he was 22.  He went on to become a military aviator, earned a master's in engineering from a prestigious university, became an engineer and very successful entrepreneur, founding two companies.  A big part of his drive, I always felt, was to prove to his parents he was worthy or their love and respect.

His father passed away 28 years ago, his mom 8.  I believe his MLC began after his mom's death.

How sad.

TMHP

[jos1.9]

Well thank you for the replies. 

My H also felt like his relationship with his father was distant as he was growing up and he also longed for his dad's approval and involvement.  My H would always tell me 'My dad would buy me anything I wanted as a kid - bikes, scooters, go-carts but never had time to spend or play with me, however he would always be involved with other peoples kids'.

When our two Ds were born my H continued to have a distant relationship with his dad and would regularly bad-mouth him  to me saying what a crap grandad he is to our two Ds because he never spends any time with them.

Now since my H left he is suddently best friends with his dad.  They see each other regularly now whereas before they rarely saw each other.  In a telephone conversation with my H last month when I raised the possibility of reconciling his response was

H  'We can't get back together now  I just don't trust you anymore'
Me  'Well do you trust anyone at the moment?'
H   'No I don't trust anyone only my dad'
Me  'Really?  you have always bad-mouthed him for the past 21 years for being a   crap dad and grandad'
H No response.

For background information my H's mum and dad were divorced 21 years ago just after my H and I were married.  My H's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the back end of 2012.  This was about the time my H started emotionally withdrawing from me.

Any thoughts ?

[xyzcf]

My H's mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the back end of 2012.  This was about the time my H started emotionally withdrawing from me.

The death of a parent seems to have been the trigger in my husband's MLC as well as others on this site.

Regarding trauma in childhood, I would refer you to Eric Erikson's stages of life development and the developmental tasks that need to be met in order to incorporate as a whole person. During these stages, it doesn't necessarily have to be something "traumatic" to prevent the person from successfully completing the tasks, it could be a hospitalization,  the birth of a sibling anything that may not seem significant to others but somehow, at that point in development was extremely important to the child. Just my honest opinion.

[UKStander]

Ah yes, here we are again with similarities.  I am convinced my H had something happen in his childhood that badly affected him. I am in touch with my BIL still and have had conversations with him. I know they had a very disciplinarian father and my guess is that sometimes he was a little too heavy handed. Also I gather the M was somewhat distant. A toxic combination.

My H once spoke also of having 'left it all behind him' when he left home. Left what behind, is my question?  What went on.  I know this is part of what H will inevitably have to deal with, if he so chooses and if running away from it ceases to work, if he is to end up a happy man . . .

UKS

[Mamma Bear]

  jos

  They have no coping skills and when a trigger like terminal cancer comes along they must rely on a crutch. Alcohol drugs running avoidance....sliding into a chasm of thinking.

   The quicksand has them and we can't help.

   Not now. They have to figure a way to grab a branch and get out themselves!

   Oh and THEY are not known for their speed! 

   My Hs Dad died in a car accident when H was 17. Every other sibling had gone away to prestigious universities. H played rock and roll instead.     When his Mom 95 years old almost died and moved in with us he ran away with the girl from the store.

   Now it's BAD! 30 months later...... been pretty bad all along!

   His Moms good. Hung out with her yesterday.